God's Gift To Me

I am a 34 year old woman and all my life I have felt like there has been something different about me. The very first funeral that I ever attended was my own Mothers. I was 9 years old and my mother was just a young 37 years of age. This experience and part of my life has been very traumatizing to me. I have flashbacks of that day all the time. I was sitting in the front row of the seating when my mothers funeral service began trying to come to terms with the reality that my mom was laying there lifeless. I will never forget the moment when I swear I saw her sit up from the casket, wave to me, smile and tell me it was all going to be ok and she laid back down. Weeks following her funeral, I had another experience where I swear I saw her taking a bath in what was the "kids" bathroom in the house we had just built and moved into. We were in the process of building this dream house, the one that my mother designed herself all the while she was fighting for her life with Breast Cancer.

The loss in my life didn't stop there. I went through what seemed like a long string of deaths. I was able to say goodbye to my Grandpa before he passed, how strange is it that I was in the car following the ambulance that morning as it headed towards his home when I was just coming home from vacation bible school that day? Life just continued to run its course and it seemed like all the people I would love or feel close with would die. I lost Grandparents, a great-Aunt, a close friend in high school, a father figure. I even have had a friend that was murdered by an ex boyfriend and I was supposed to be there that night. I had talked to her just a day before her death and both of our plans had changed. I didn't end up being there and if I was, I would have been murdered too.

I have battled with addiction and depression for all of my adult life. I have been on meds, changed meds, been in all kinds of counseling and nothing seems to change. I have had family members tell me I am crazy, or bi polar, when as I read more and more of these stories, I think I have a gift.

My godfather passed away about 3 years ago. He often would joke about how when he used to babysit me on New Years Eve when my parents would go out about how he would turn the clocks forward so he could put my brother, sister and I to bed. Shortly after he died, I had an experience with a clock in my house that was moved exactly an hour ahead. My fiancé at the time had absolutely no explanation. We left the house that day with the clock being ahead, and when we returned that evening the clock read the correct time again.

I have a very strong faith in something Greater than myself because it is by the grace of that power that I am still alive today through all I have been through. I have battled for years with so many emotions, fears, rationalizations, dreams, voices and things that I just can't explain. I have had several instances where I see sparkling stars in the air, especially in the shower when water is involved. Its always right after I open my eyes from washing my face. I have always had very vivid, real dreams. Dreams that seem to be in the future. When I close my eyes to pray or try to sleep, I see colors of green and blue, kind of in box form. I have always, always been afraid to be alone and feel constantly like someone is watching me. I can think of someone, and then turn on the radio and a song will be on that reminds me just of that person, not just any ole song, but it has meaning to my relationship with that person. I always, always seem to be looking at the clock when all the numbers are the same, like when the time is 11:11, or 2:22, 3;33, these are all time I will randomly wake up at night.

Recently I have noticed more and more with a tingling sensation in my fingers. I have been sleeping less and less. Do I have some sort of gift here? Or am I really just crazy like everyone says