Near Death

I almost died Tuesday, no exaggeration, I was literally bleeding to death. It was an accident, and I didn't realize at first how bad it was, it felt so surreal. You may chalk it up to being in shock, but I wasn't, I was calm, collected. On the way to the hospital I watched a pool of crimson collect in my lap as it pumped down my arm. It was a lot of blood, and I thought to myself,that's way too much to lose, but I never panicked. As we pulled into the parking lot and the car door was opened, I stepped out, spilling my crimson pool all over the pavement, and walked inside, apologizing for the mess. Every one scrambled around, and I could tell they were trying to be calm and reassuring, but I could hear it, they had a certain excitement to their tone. A haste to their questioning. They expected me to crash at any moment. As unsettling as that may sound, I knew I was fine. They didn't know how I was still conscious, let alone walking. By the time a Dr could see me I had lost 2-3 pints, and my color had faded away. But my vitals were fine. They gave me an I.v.,repeatedly ask if I felt faint, I assured them I was ok, I just needed them to stop the bleeding or I wouldn't be. I don't get terribly excited over anything, but death does weigh heavy on my mind, to the point of anxiety. I think about it nightly. And it's the only thing that I've ever had any anxiety over. But not then, when I was closest to it did it even seem like a possibility. I knew, for one, that I'm too stubborn to give up that easy, and two, Something deep inside my mind knew, and/or remembered that this is not the time. I don't think I can see the future, but I have experienced clear DE ja vu, to the point I knew what was about to happen, almost like it was a memory. That only happened a time or 2 though. I've always felt different, I guess everyone likes to think they are special. Anyway, they finally stopped the bleeding, stitched me up, sent me home. Where I'm also dealing with turmoil in a relationship. No blood transfusions, just an IV and stitches. The next day I had a game, I went and played against Dr advise, and that's what really got me thinking, was everyone's reaction to what I felt as something normal, it's the way I've always been. It was pointed out to me, people don't almost die, and show up to a game less than 24 hours later. Now I feel so out of place, even more so than I had. Out of place, time, and touch, and I've started paying more attention to those lingering thoughts in the back of my mind. More attention to the ones that visit me in my dreams, but I feel like I've lived this before, but I just can't remember. I'm not superhuman,I'm still hurt, well sore anyway, I didn't heal overnight or anything. Could this have opened a cracked door a little wider? I'm still physically much weaker than I was, as to be expected, but mentally I feel exhausted, not from the accident, from the life and events before. I can't shake the feeling someone is looking for me or I need to get back to them and I don't remember who, or even how.