I am confident that there have been strong psychic workings in my life. However, I am less confident that I myself am actually psychic. I am inclined to believe that I am, but given my current state I find it hard to truly be sure of anything. At this point I am not well and I have been in a very strange, downward spiral since I was roughly seventeen. I am posting this in hopes of receiving guidance in regards to what I believe to be the metaphysical aspects of my current situation. Before I describe these details, I feel that it would be wise for me give a little situational context.
Firstly, I was strictly raised as a Southern Baptist which disinclined me to even entertain the possibility of such matters. This lead to quite a crisis of faith and conscience. I am now, simply put, a non-denominational Christian who knows that I don't know. In the past six years I have had many misadventures, the headlines of which would read as follows.
I've consistently fallen prey to debilitating, trance-like ritualism such as, on several hundred different occasions, buying a new notebook and pen to write a declaration of hate and sorrow induced self-evolution. I've had countless confrontations with different people in my life despite my best of intentions. One particularly unfortunate incident lead to my arrest. I worked for a year and a half in company of which I was the common joke among my boss and coworkers. I lived in a haunted house. The curtains moved, demons flashed about and tempers were drastic (especially mine). It was undeniably a dark place. Many preachers and such met with me to in some way attempt to deliver me of my afflictions. After my first mental hospitalization I began intermittent drug abuse. I've had many inexplicable health issues, despite innumerable visits to doctors. These issues started in the years before any drug use. I've had many sightings of demons and other spirits (both completely sober and otherwise). I had repeated contact with a medium for the purpose of exorcism and such. She was little to no help (which very well may be my fault). I later cut ties with her at the behest of my mother (who was the one who originally sought her involvement). On my second mental hospitalization I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and placed on a plethora of troublesome anti-psychotics. I did not handle these well and do not presently take any medication. I just recently failed out of my first semester of college and had to move back in with my mother, younger sisters and new step-family.
I could write a lengthy and fairly intense novel on the past half-dozen years of my life, but the above notes provide a very high-level summary. It may be worth noting that I used to be a very good kid and, quite honestly, was severely bullied for it. I never so much as cursed until I was 19. From that point onward events in my life started heating up and I began to devolve at an ever-increasing rate. Also, except for my horrible dependence on caffeine and nicotine (both of which I'm desperately trying to sever) I am living a completely sober life. So with all of that being said, I'll get into the matters for which I'm seeking guidance.
I've never appreciated being touched, and I become very stressed in groups and crowds (a couple of doctors/therapists have suggested that I may be, to some degree, autistic). At different points in my life I have felt crawling and sometimes burning on various parts of my body. The physical areas affected are my scalp, feet, hands and upper back. Most of the beds I have slept in at some point shook. I'm terrified of sleep, for I often fearfully jolt awake just as I begin to fall asleep. I also tend to have nightmares. Even after I finally manage to get some amount of irregular sleep I awake exhausted. I often feel as though I'm being stung and I have spent an impressively large amount of time searching for vanishing insects that most likely weren't physically there. I tend to see dark flashes, and sometimes lamps flicker around me (especially if I'm attempting to describe any of this to someone). I sometimes see what my googling has defined as 'spirit sparkles'. At times I feel as if there is energy resting upon my face that I can slightly move. I tend to have thoughts of a subject just before it organically occurs in my life, but not in such a manner that I can distinguish these thoughts as foreknowledge until after said events have transpired. Lastly, this simply may be a case of insane bipolarity, but I honestly don't believe that all of my thoughts are my completely my own. It's as if there's a dark and strangely ritualistic tint to my inner voice and decisions thereof.
On a personal note, I'd like to say that I understand that, ultimately, I have no one to blame but myself for my current situation. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm simply at a time in my life where I'm trying to holistically heal, and I'm hoping that I can find even just a little help on the psychic side of all of this by posting this writing. I've tried many psychic exercises and meditations that I've found online but nothing thus far has brought me any peace. I don't even actually know what has been happening to me. I wish to be in control rather than be controlled. I'm grateful for any and all feedback; I'd like to thank you all in advance.
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