I See Sparks

Ever since I can remember I have been able to see what I have always called "sparks".

Everywhere I look, in every room, in the sky as far as I can see, are countless miniscule sparks of what I think is energy. They are of every color: red, yellow sparks, blue, purple, and even sometimes green. There are also white and black sparks.

I have always been able to control them, but it's difficult because you have to concentrate really hard which is difficult for me because I have always had attention deficit disorder. Some sparks of a certain cling to people, they often move about but never as actively as they do in the open sky be it day or night. They are always there, even if I close my eyes they are right behind my eyelids.

The red sparks are the easiest for me to control. They always have been. But to what end I don't know.

To feel safe I have always channeled the sparks into lines around the walls of my room. To make the stay I have to "will" it and be very deliberate, it takes a long time to build them up so that I feel that they won't disperse. Its a sort of boundary wall of light that I make against what I fear - an outside influence I will tell you about later. They are always there in the formation that I leave them when I have spent enough time feeding them into the lines. I make a kind of mesh covering all the walls and especially the ceiling. Not so much the floor as the sparks never stay put if disturbed by my touch (i.e. Walking through them).

Green sparks are the hardest to control, they aren't everywhere like red and blue are which seem to me to be at war around me sometimes. And I don't mean they attack each other, they are just there in varying intensity and seem to be trying to be more prominent than the other around me. I think this is some how related to me.

Black sparks don't feel very nice, they feel kind of dark in a not so good way - but they just are. They are there. Like white sparks feel bright and well... Not "dark". They don't seem good or evil, its hard for me to articulate. They are just there, they exist and they are all around me, moving, like they are alive.

Watching the sky is especially amazing because its like they dance, I can only see them as far as I can see, its like there is no space around me or in any room, or setting that isn't full of these specs of light. Its odd... Think of a streak of sunlight coming through a window and all the specs of dust you can see highlighted in it. Its similar to that but more dense and yet not dense, tinier in size but more numerous - I have never been able to count them only concentrate them and somehow fuse them together to make slightly bigger sparks.

Which brings me to my other ability it seems. I was taking a shower and the water was cold and I tried to will it warm. It was weird but my mind was torn to the pilot light (gas heating). I kind of did something to it making it stronger and the water heated near instantly. This is the case with even cold running water, I seem to be able to raise its temperature. If don't try it the water remains the same, but the minute I do it starts to warm up without fail.

The other thing I have been able to do is what I call 'sensing'. I have been able to send my mind out, more like an extended spatial awareness and somehow just know that there is a narrow hall behind the closed door in that shop across the road which leads into some kind of storage room next to the smallest toilet room. Its weird but I can do this with my whole surroundings up to about a block away, it requires concentration and somehow I'm no longer looking at anything in particular I'm just lost in the sensation of what I'm sensing. I can't seem to divine objects of their history but I seem to be able to send my awareness out all around me. The other skill I have with this is that I can send out my awareness straight and narrow so I don't sense much except for a sense of obstructions (large ones), I can do this in any direction and not just in a straight line - I don't seem able to go very far, but I sense further than when I am sensing my immediate surroundings. Its a nice feeling.

There are limits though. I can only sense to a certain distance before I get that "I can't go any further" sensation - like when you're so ill you don't have the strength to push a table, you push but nothing happens, no strain - just nothing, no result.

This is not the same for sparks, I can do interesting things with them, they can make very fine arcs of colored electricity (depending on the spark you're using, blue sparks make blue electricity) between my fingers or other objects, I have to look close to see it properly. But it doesn't seem to have any effect on the object with the exception of people. I found that I could give my step-dad, a person I don't like and with good cause, terrible headaches by channeling black sparks into him... The effect is kind of instantaneous but I'm not proud of it, I did it when I was in high school. I also found that I could channel white sparks into people and they would seem happier, healthier all of a sudden, I could also take white sparks out of people and they seemed to somehow diminish, though when I saw them the next day they seemed normal again (as in not diminished, i.e. Down on energy). I was worried about karma so if I took this what I think is "energy" out of a person I always made sure I put it back. It kind of made me feel like a parasite.

The interesting thing with these sparks is that I could send them to people, they would find them and I don't know how, but if I sent a strong wave of the white sparks and concentrated very hard on to whom I wanted them to go, they kind of just took off with a mind of their own. I don't know how they got to the person, I just know deep inside me that they did.

The only other thing I think I have been able to do is what I call empowering. I'm talking about making the light coming off something like a fire or a light bulb or a TV screen noticeably brighter. It seems to diminish back to normal moments later unless I focus on making it constant, but that takes so much effort and concentration. I have been able to do this to sparks on a very small scale (i.e. Make an individual sparks gather others and become more noticeable to me, a larger spark).

No one has ever been able to tell me they see what I see. They have been all around me my entire life, always present, always moving. They permeate everything. Interestingly I have never been able to change a sparks color. They can manifest out of nothingness but they can't change what they are. Sometimes really prominent sparks of white light fly about and fade away all around me... Its beautiful, so very beautiful, and always touches me in a heartfelt way... But I have never been able to know when this will happen, but I can prolong how long it happens for now.

I always thought everyone could see them too. I have spoken with psychologists, with other people, I have talked with some wiccans about what I could do and showed them the dark sparks (the ones everyone seems interested in) and they were scared, truly scared (using dark sparks is how I seem to be able to control malevolent presences - these I sense and others sense and its scary, especially when they turn on you which they always do). There was this one shadow which was like a deformed tiny child nicknamed "Starfish" - he used to attack people that angered me, he turned on me one day when I tried to banish him from my room. He hated the green sparks and the blue, he didn't mind the red sparks that much and wasn't interested in the yellow ones. He abhorred the white sparks, was always excited by the black sparks. I drove him away by willing it rather intensely, this drained me and I literally slept for three days to the shock of my family. I was told by a wiccan what I was doing without guidance was sorcery and definitely dangerous - I have never had guidance. I don't know what I'm doing, just that I can do these things.

To explain the shadows more fully, its hard but they are kind of drawn to the black sparks like moths to a flame. When playing with black sparks on a large scale they seem to go nuts, and they flash into your mind as images, like decayed inhuman dead people coming out of a thick grey fog in your mind. It is very real and very scary. They feel evil, but I feel sorry for them and that's why I played with them as a child and into my teenage years.

I cannot control the wind, I tried and failed miserably. I cannot levitate as my mother confided in me she had as a child (her own mother, rest her soul, gave her a hiding for it). I can only seem to do what I have told you now. I don't believe I am mad or schizophrenic (I have no idea how to spell that word).

My old room at my parents house where I applied layers of woven sparks over my childhood years still bears an echo to this day. It feels heavy in the room. I walk into it and I feel the weight of it upon me like its a burden, when I leave the room it lifts off me and I feel normal again. Its an odd sensation - I have never been able to penetrate my own room with my senses - I wove the sparks with the intention and will to protect me inside of it and somehow my sensing skill won't work (its like hitting an invisible wall). I can walk through the door and I will feel a shiver run over me, like energy - faint but there.

Ive experimented a lot with what I can make out of these sparks, I created a sort of guardian, a presence, that felt empty somehow, that would rise up and manifest when I felt threatened. This failed miserably against the shadows that I had tried to banish in my later teenage year. They kind of tore it to pieces, I can still make it rise but its very weak and I can't seem to strengthen it very well anymore.

I am fine health wise when wielding my senses to kind of scout, or the sparks around me... But controlling sparks gives your the worst headache if you do it for too long, kind of like it uses your own energy to effect the control.

I would appreciated your thoughts on this, but please no criticism - its taken a lot of courage to spill out on this website what I have tended to keep a secret. Those I have told are afraid when I prove to them what I can do seeming as though the best way to convince people is the black sparks and their rather noticeable effects. Please share with me your thoughts.