For starters I've been lived through a few things in my life that have made a drastic impact on who I am. A few years back I started looking into different religions as my past posts have said, and through which I found out who I really was, what I truly liked, and what I actually believed in all along- neo-paganism. Looking deeper I fell into a strange sense of peace or right feeling that the path I was on felt right, true for me.
Well a few days ago I felt an equally right feeling, something that scared me much more than it should have. I'm not someone who would cheat on my boyfriend, and I love my boyfriend [we've been together 3 years now], but I started having a feeling that I was going to meet someone else this fall that would ultimately take over his place. Someone who was supposedly my "it", not my boyfriend the way I'd always thought [we have a very close connection much like knowing things about eachother before the other even knows it themself]. I kept wondering who this man was and why I felt so strongly about someone I'd never met. I felt like I belonged to the man, but I'd promised my boyfriend that I'd belonged to him [both loyalty and guilt rose high in this confusion].
It's almost like a dream I had once. In the dream I had a beautiful baby boy that was all mine, and I loved him dearly. All we did in the dream was feed him and rock him to sleep, but I could have slept for hours dreaming that, living with this child I'd never had or met but knowing that I loved them more than anything in the world. When I awoke I felt so heartbroken that my dream baby didn't exist I started crying from the loss.
That was how this future-man felt to me, like a loss for something I'd never meant to love. The feeling that lasted only until this morning was that way. I felt as if I was missing someone I'd never met yet, but I felt like I was late for something, late to meet him, even though I *know* nothing will happen until college.
All of this ended when I saw my boyfriend for the first time this week after this past weekend. We hadn't talked much, but we usually dont- he'd been sick and couldn't talk, so I wasn't allowed to visit and didn't want to make him feel like he had to talk by calling. It took me a while to ease out of the guilty feeling I'd felt for caring for someone that didn't actually exist in my life yet. I didn't sleep well, my dreams were lost to me before I awoke, and my appetite completely died off. All of are depression-like signs, but I only felt that way for three days or so.
I've made up my mind to try to put it behind me, but I can't seem to quit thinking about it. The emotions and feelings are gone as long as I'm with my boyfriend, but when he's gone I feel... Not better but more the way I am. He's very accepting of my beliefs, but he's not a believer, making it hard to really be myself, my very spiritual self, around him. I fall into the easy rhythms we've always shared, but I can't help but think there's something more waiting for me this fall.
Has anyone experienced anything like this? Am I only making this up? This strong feeling that feels so right? Or could it be more, the call of something though unknown is right for me?
Thank you for listening to my confusion, =] I truly appreciate it.
Blessed b to all
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