Losing My Senses

I'm a 20 year old who has a secret. It was my Mum's secret also so I never told people as a child and now, well who'd believe it? Mum used to surprise me every now and then, giving me a huge hug when I got home saying "today was really bad huh?" or wordlessly answering questions I had thought of silently. Sitting at the computer, mums in the kitchen "I wonder if we're going to the beach tomorrow?" I think. Mum calls out over the kettle boiling "no the forecast is rain", "what?", "we won't go to the beach tomorrow, the news said rain for tomorrow". One night she was heading off to night shift (she was a nurse) and she gave me a huge hug, more than usual, she just held me for ten minutes and said, it's just a feeling. That night she had a car crash and ironically still got to work. Nan got the phone call and picked me up, when I got by her bed she was in a foam collar and had bad bruising. Nan told her off and went to get a coffee, while she was gone I asked mum if she knew, she said it was a feeling so strong she almost didn't go to work. I got up her and from then on if she had a strange feeling I was on high alert. I would try and feel people walking by and once walked by a man who sent me huge feeling. I wish I had stopped to get a better look at him but I was kind of in awe/scared. I don't know what that was.

I think knowing about what mum had gave me a low level of the same thing. I would feel if the house was empty or not when I woke and I had a few deja vous moments so strong I would say the events a few seconds before they happened. One time in English class (year 10) a boy heard me speak word for word and describe what would happen a few seconds before they did; there were two girls picking on a kid. He was very weirded out. He watched me for a while hoping it would happen again. Truthfully it was rare so it didn't, because in February the next year mum suicided. About a month before she did I remember silently crying in the car because something had changed. Her boyfriend had messed around with another woman and mum changed, it just wasn't her. I could still feel her in the house though it was fainter. The night she died she said she was going for a walk and I was too busy playing games to notice anything was wrong until the dog whinnied and I felt sick, sickly off, fear so cold I knew but refused to accept it. She's just doing a big walk (she walked at night often) maybe she visited nans? But when I got a call from my stepdad asking if mum was home I knew she was going to kill herself. I ran around the block with Luna (our dog) in the rain and suddenly the world was empty, just like the house became when she wasn't near, only bigger.

I didn't feel anything anymore not outside of seeing and doing that something that "felt" and tugged at thoughts that felt unfamiliar disappeared. Once or twice I felt it or remembered and it was so painful I cried because I felt as though no one in the world knew me truly anymore. Just me.

Mum taught me to be ultra independent. I thought she was worried about leaving me with nan, now I know she just never wanted to live to 40. She told everyone jokingly that she'd never reach 40 but she was serious. I don't blame her. I finished school had a bad relationship, have a good one now, I'm going to be married the Friday after next! Now though I want my abilities back. I want to share them with my partner. I want to be how I used to because I think it's for a good reason (and I need to show him I'm not mad!). He believes me fully but I'd love to pull him in with me. I have addressed Mum's death but the senses aren't coming back. Someone's got to have had a similar story and gotten their ability back. I'd love any suggestions or stories that could help!