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So Confused. What Am I?

 

First time reaching out in a forum like this, or anywhere else for that matter. I will try to be brief. I have Aspergers. Which in an of itself is a trip. I have a couple of things happening:

1. In my life I have also had the unfortunate/fortunate (depending on who you ask... Me I am NOT a fan but am somewhat glad I could help if that's what I was doing) to be present at the minutes/hours/days before several people have passed and been present as they passed.

Now, a brief description of the last passing. She was an aunt to my wife. She had been sick for awhile. I was at the hospital with the family, just in a "support" role. During the course of the last couple of days before my wife's loved one passed, I would explain to the family what was about to occur so they wouldn't be shocked or freak out. I.e. She was about to make body movements that weren't pretty; her heart rate was about to crater; her bp was about to skyrocket/crash, etc... I don't know how I would know - I would just know. Several days before she passed I asked her what her two favorite passages of scripture were. An hour or so before she died I placed a bookmark on one of these passages within her Bible. I was in the room with my Mother-in-law (her sister) and I was watching the monitors. I was watching her pulse rate and it was fairly steady at 60. For whatever reason I knew I HAD to grab the Bible and start reading the passage. It took less than 5 seconds for me to grab the Bible and start reading the passage. She passed in the middle of the second verse. I can't explain the "feelings", but it takes everything out of me and I feel extremely "scattered", not confused, just out of place, afterwards. It took me many months to recover. The nurse was watching and said that in the 19 years she had been working that ward she had seen scripture read before... Seen it read after... But never at the moment of passing. The other nurses, three of them, looked at me like I was from a different planet. The first nurse said they were afraid. This type of thing has happened a couple of times and I don't understand. I don't like it. If I am helping the person passing, ok, I am glad. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. It scares me.

2. My Brother died in 1989 of a prolonged illness, AIDS. There had been times in my life that I would smell this one particular smell that would always make me uncomfortable and want to vomit. The day before my Brother died I realized what the smell was and is. It is death. I have smelled it on several other occasions, and as far as I know, death was always near.

3. I have been having a lot of issues since attending a seminar that "taps" into the emotions of the participants to help in the self realization process needed for inner growth as well as spiritual growth. Totally screwed me up. I always knew that I was way different from everyone else. Knew I didn't and don't fit in. But learned at an early age to be the chameleon. It was the only way to survive. I was told in 1996 and 2006 I had Aspergers. I politely (pfft) told the Doctors to go "you know where" and refused to acknowledge it. Period. Not a wise choice. After this seminar I was forced to recognize, accept and start working on that part of me because the alternative wasn't acceptable. I am doing much better now and have come out of that storm intact and enjoying the process of remolding myself into what was intended.

4. During this seminar I became attached to a person who worked with me on some of the exercises. I have since found out she is gifted. We have this weird bond, but several months ago, before I acknowledged and accepted my Aspergers, she asked an innocent question that sent me into what I now know is a meltdown. I did not know at the time, but one of the subjects I divulged to her hit a very raw part of her soul.

5. I have been told on several different occasions in my life that I was "gifted". I have had strangers walk up to me and tell me the same thing several times in my life. This past February, after my wife's aunt passed, I was given the opportunity to meet with an extremely gifted clairvoyant. I told her about my Brother and my wife's Aunt. I could tell she was being very limited with her explanations and said I was a type of empath. Whatever the hell that means. I mean... I know what it means. But really? She really didn't go into a lot, but she seemed uncomfortable. I was told I needed to find someone local to work with, but to be very careful whom I chose.

6. I made a friend during the seminar (late January). I found out shortly after the seminar she is gifted. This was after we had started to form a strong bond. She has pulled extremely back from me. To the point of not really talking, we can text, but it is obvious she limits any physicality to as little as humanly possible. I mean, it feels like the breathe leaves her when she sees me. She doesn't hate me. She isn't angry with me. She cares about me. I don't know if she is afraid of me or what. Yes, we have had some tense moments because she, for whatever reason, has helped me through the last seven months. In fact, I probably wouldn't be here had it not been for her support. When we first met she was pretty healthy. Battling diabetes, yes. Not taking her insulin. She has since started her insulin but has been sick as hell for the last several months. I feel she has pulled back for particular reasons, but will not tell me why. I see her touch other people without problems, etc. It's just me.

7. Without really realizing it, I have always been able to tell what the intentions or feelings of another person. Yet I have always been so easily taken advantage of. I've come to realize the Aspergers is probably at fault there. I would KNOW a person was lying. I would KNOW they were just saying crap to get something from me. But there I would go... Down the frigging rabbit hole.

8. I have been trying to figure out what in the hell is going on with my emotions and day to day state of being. I have always kept a half closed eye on anything metaphysical. Don't want it. Don't need it. Just want to be left alone. Grabbing for straws I stopped by a place, that has been around for decades, to pick up some stones for protection. Don't know anything about the stuff... But hey... I really am desperate. I ended up speaking to the owner of the place. I felt very safe with him and he didn't ask anything of me. I was told that I am extremely sensitive to the vibrations of others. He suggested I get a book titled "Psychic Self-Defense" and immediately read chapter 2. I told him that I can not visualize things. It's not that I don't have an imagination. It is just so frigging hard for me to do that. I have found out it is an Aspergers thing. Our brains just process things so differently than most people. He suggested I look at a picture of what I am trying to visualize and use the picture instead. Not THAT I can do. He also suggested a cleansing ceremony of which I have begun. I got the book yesterday. When I got home I started reading chapter two. I did everything that it said and found a picture online that I could use while performing the "tower of light". After I got the picture in my head I laid down. Within a minute, and I mean less than 60 seconds, I started to feel exceedingly warm in the center of my body. All my life I have been able to do this little thing where I could concentrate and like push from the inside out, I would feel a little warmth and a strange electrical type thingy (for lack of a better term) and I would feel better. Don't know what it is. Just have always done it. Don't know when it started. Just always been there. But yesterday, I became very very warm. Again from the inside out. I kept pushing because a.) it freaked me out and I wanted to try to understand wtf was happening b.) it felt good and c.) I wanted to see how far I could take it. I stopped when I started to feel nauseous. When I opened my eyes and stood up it was like I felt "charged"...best way I can explain it.

I really have no idea what is going on. I do understand now that I have been pulling in and holding all of the negative energy from everyone and everything around me. I am worried that my friend has unwittingly become a victim of this and this is why she is ill and why she has pulled back from me. She is not the type that will tell me what is going on with me. She knew I was autistic before I even accepted it within myself. When I told her, she said "I knew it within a month of meeting you". Kinda pissed me off because I went through hell getting to the point of acceptance. When I asked her WTF... Why didn't you say something. Her reply was that it wasn't for her to tell me something that I needed to accept on my own. I can not put into words how afraid I am that I am harming her and that is why she has pulled back. She will not discuss this with me. In fact, there are several things she has said to me in the past, i.e. "You are like a mirror to me" that she refuses to explain at this time. I keep hearing the words "absorption" and "transference" in my head. Been hearing them for several weeks. WTF is that and is it related to my friend? Let me clearly state this; I am NOT in LOVE with her in the sexual sense. I already tackled that in my mind. It is most definitely not a sexual attraction. Not that she isn't appealing in that manner. She most definitely is. But sex to me transcends the physical nature of things and I simply do not have that connection with her. My wife... You frigging bet.

I don't know what I am asking for here. I don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know if anyone can shed any frigging light on any of this. But I really don't want to lose my friend because of some stuff I don't understand and, candidly, didn't ask for nor want. I've done an unreal job getting to the age I am as a highly functioning autistic that lived in a state of absolute denial. Stimming, detachment, meltdowns and all (funny...now I know the nasty things have names). Anyone have any advice, insight...ANYTHING?

I truly am sorry for the length of this submission.

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Comments about this clairvoyant experience

The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by psychic-experiences.com. Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, confusedintx, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

confusedintx (1 stories) (2 posts)
 
2 months ago (2017-08-06)
Pabs...

A most profound thank you. Your post helped me in more ways than you realize... Or maybe you do.

Be well.
Pabs (1 posts)
 
2 months ago (2017-08-05)
Hey Confusedinx and ToxxicWishes71,

I can actually relate a lot to this one. I've met a lot of people with gifts but the vast majority are the same (similar to be polite, everyones configurations are slightly different) as ToxxicWishes71 when it comes to wanting to heal people.

But I'm different. My configuration is all slanted towards prediction and clairvoyance. I believe this is because I'm on the spectrum too.

There are definitely those out there who do it all, but most of us have a gift (i.e. Healer, protector, guide)

But I believe the way we look at the world makes us see time and space differently from the rest of the gifted ones. My 5yo is gifted, but she's an empath. She always knows when I'm sad, even when I haven't seen her yet. But she's not on the spectrum.

As a result, I don't particularly want to heal people per se (although positive energy is a must for clarity), I want people to make the right decision in the end for themselves. For the sake of the global timeline. As a result, I'm often the person who's there at the right time... In the beginning I thought trouble followed me 😊

So I can be in a room of healers and carers and I can feel the energies and see weak auras but unlike Toxxic its not thick. I can however see peoples faces change and their surroundings slightly fade to where they will be in 3,5 sometimes even 20 years. Or not 😔

But being close to that stuff can be dangerous. Apart from being around all that energy (its not all good) and not having the same self defences as the other ones you can get pinged with blowback or take on more than you can handle.

But I find it very easy to get that feeling of deep lost. You said 41 hours as a max, well that was my norm. For me, it's understanding where I fit in everything and remembering how much I can help that gets me out.

If I were you, the first thing Id do is relax. Its going to be okay. If it weren't you wouldn't be here. You'd hide from finding the answer.

Next, read as much as you can... Not just about this but the "real world" stuff that's underlying it. For a time person like me, I studied physics (quantum mechanics and how time works), philosophy (the application of science to spiritual questions) and psychology (to know if I'm crazy or not).

Also, a lot of readings about religion and spirituality because I believe all this stuff springs from the same place.

I feel like you should make that your hobby... Explaining you (theres nothing wrong with different... But you won't feel good about it until you know what your purpose is).

All these things you've seen are normal to me. The death smell... That's you interpreting a sense you're not used to. Furthermore, if you acknowledge it and understand why its important (and actually very beautiful) it will become less offensive. Not pleasant, but humbling in the best way.

The music I do too... It helps me slow everything down and think. I love music too (played in bands and stuff when I was younger) so its unusual behaviour but I understand why I do it.

And finally, don't worry about the girl. My feeling is that she's actually attracted to you because of what you are. The pushing away is more about not creating anymore turmoil than you have already with your own head. I don't know you but that's my feel.

Confused is a great handle because when you are balanced, you'd be able to see through her eyes, or see her aura or see her timeline, and you'd better understand her position.

But be cool. You are who you are because that's the initial design. You got what you got because you could handle it. And you did it all blindfolded so to speak. So worrying about what's under the hood and starting thinking about what you could do when you test it out a bit and see what this puppy does! 😊
lauterb (110 posts)
 
3 months ago (2017-08-02)
Dear confusedintx

You are a medium, your mediumship so far is not developed but you can develop it!

Why you have Asperger and I don't have it?

If you believe in a God that is merciful, fair, supreme in wisdom etc you must think something like how people is diferent if God is our father/creator woudl He have preferences among us, of course not, so how come those diferences? Merit/debts is the only explanation, but when thodr merits and debts ocurred since it was not from this life. Another life is the only explanation for it! If you believe in reincarnation everything can be explained, otherwise several questions cannot be explained.

You have to understant that your condition is a blessing, something you asked for you in order to help you accomplish one more step in your evolutionary journey! What do you think is a limitation is in reallity something you must learn and you failled into learn in the past and this time you have to learn at any cost...

What helps you face your daylly is faith in the future, in God, in Jesus, you have to pray, you have to thank you your condition and limitations. You are paying a huge mortgage, day by day, be happy since you are able pay this debt!

Why the messy emotions, just the need to accomplish some big mile stone in your life that you are leaving behind and you need to resume. It is a sort of pressure to drive you back to the correct path. I hope you figure out what is it!

If you want to know more about the spiritual world you have The Spirit's Book from Allan Kardec it will explain a lot about. You can freely download at internet a pdf file

Good study!
confusedintx (1 stories) (2 posts)
 
3 months ago (2017-07-25)
ToxxicWishes71,

Thanks so much for your input. It gives me some things to certainly think about. I still am caught up in the "mirror" thing she told me. And I still don't quite get what all this means. It seems like I am more "vulnerable" to whatever this is when I am in sensory overload or in a sensory seeking fit (yes...I experience both with my with the aspergers). Today for instance, I was out taking care of some business which required me to drive all over the city. I was in my car for 7 hours and made 11 quick stops along the way. I listened to the same song...over...and...over...and...over...and...over. My aspie brain did the math and I listened to the durn thing 58 times. And I just got home and am about to put my earbuds back in. I understand now why the music is so...enchanting...for lack of a better word. I always just thought people "felt" the music like I do. I thought everyone was "looking" at the music when they closed their eyes and went away with the music like I do. I have learned they don't.

So today was a sensory seeking "event". Its kind of strange... My friend just stays in my head...can't get rid of her... Not that I want to. But I would like to be able to go a couple of hours without just thinking about her. Anyhow, I just felt she needed to be told to "stay true" to herself. So I sent her a little graphic basically telling her to stay authentic. She actually needed it at that moment.

I dunno, I am not sexually attracted to her in that sense. Just seems like there is something I am just not getting. Really don't even know why I am rambling about her. And even if it WERE sexual, she is VERY heterosexual and VERY married (I am VERY "married" as well). And me... I really don't consider myself anything. Never really have. Love is Love. So my partner/wife of the last 28 years is a female just as I am. But to me...seriously...biology is biology and needed for procreation. Love is Love... And every being needs it. I have been in love with both sexes and enjoyed both sexes. Just always been like this. Even before I understood the "birds and the bees" I would ask why people couldn't just love everybody the same way and marry whomever they wanted. Again...rambling.

Like right this very moment... And it happens SO frigging often... I will be thinking of her. Not intensely, but with focus. What happens... She calls. I melt. Its not like I become aroused... But I melt.

I dunno. I still question wtf I am. I understand more. I understand what the aspergers has contributed, both in a positive and negative manner, to my life. I kind of understand the vibrations now. I just don't know how to move forward. As much as I despise labels, it may be nice to have one right about now. One of the worst things about my aspergers is I "loop" over contradictions over and over...ad-nauseam. It can be very destructive because I go into what I have always called a "glitch". Candidly, it is taking almost everything within me to just "go with the flow" on this, as has been suggested outside this forum. BUT... If I had a path towards a resolution my life would be oh so much easier. My last bad "glitch" was a little over 41 hours. And that's a LONG F'ing time to stay in a state of semi-detachment and semi-meltdown.

So thoughts...?
ToxxicWishes71 (3 posts)
 
3 months ago (2017-07-24)
I'm glad you started to look into what is going on with you! These things could be scary, but it truly can be a gift and not a curse.
I am also able to sense when people are going to die, however not the same way as you. You seemed a little more in-tune with your abilities (in fact, I'm kind of jealous). For me, I know when someone has a week to live. (Technically, five days and about 22-23 hours to live starting from when I get the feeling).

Starting with your friend who told you that you are probably an Empath: it could be many things. I have several friends who share similar abilities or even practically opposite abilities of me (besides sensing death), and because I have been lucky enough to have so much people around me that are similar, I've picked up on a few things.

We all have energy, and I'm sure you know that. But the energy of psychics, like us, are a little different than average people. For most people, the natural energy (I wouldn't say their Aura...that's a little different) surrounds them and stands off their body about an inch to two-inches. For psychics, it is very common for our energy to "stand off" of our body more than three-inches, often surrounding our body in a big ball that is a foot wide, and can even fill a room (which sucks sometimes when you can SEE energy because the room is so damn "thick").

But, that's not the only thing that is different about our energy. Depending on the abilities we possess (sensing death, general precognition, telekinesis, mind reading), we also have energy "types."
From what I gather from a couple years of observation and experimenting a little with my friends who are similar to me, there is most likely three (maybe four) types of energy.
There's dark energy (which I have). Dark energy doesn't mean evil energy, but it just means that our energy tends to look really dark. Now, I also have the ability to heal, so like I said dark doesn't mean bad.
There's also light energy, which tends to be clear/bright energy surrounding them. It also doesn't automatically mean their "good", because I have met plenty with light energy that has abilities that often cause more harm then good.
Then, there's Light/Dark energy. This one is weird. I've seen people have a light "background" with black dots in their energy, and vice versa.
Finally, there's the possibility of a fourth energy type, that's called a "Chameleon" or even "Type O". This energy type changes from Light, Dark, and possibly Light/Dark on a constant basis, and tends to have a "sheild" that prevents people like me from seeing what their energy looks like (physically see, or see in my minds eye). But, this fourth type is just a theory.

All this energy effects us. I have dark energy, and one of my best friends has light energy. When she used to be in-tuned with her abilities, her energy and my energy always "fought" or "mixed" if we were in the same room. As a consequence, we both (or one of us) would experience headaches, and rarely dizziness, loss of balance, and maybe even nausea. It does not hurt us permanently, and I'm sure if we focused on "shielding" our energy when we are around it would be better - but I don't know.

But, back to your friend. It's very possible her reaction is to your energy. The ability you have is most commonly with Dark energy. If she has light energy (or even Light/Dark energy), she may feel a need to separate herself from you (even before experiencing side effects like a headache).
Though, it may also be because your ability scares her. I've had multiple people avoid me, and when confronted they told me they think my ability is scary.
It could even be something she feels as a psychic from you.

Honestly, I have no idea. But, I hope that helps at least a little!

As for that warm feeling you were experiencing, that sounds like energy as well. In fact, that sounds like grounding.
Grounding is basically expelling any negative energy and absorbing good energy so you can be charged. As psychics, we are basically a walking battery.

And, finally, you said you keep thinking of the words "absorption" and "transference". Psychics tend to be more in-tune with energy in general, and as a result, MANY psychics have the ability to absorb and transfer specific energies. There's multiple types - energy of people's aura (mostly emotional energy, kind of), psychic energy, other natural energy from the universe and nature, life force energy, heat energy, sound energy, and I'm sure there is even more. On multiple occasions, I have met psychics that can absorb heat and often transfer that heat somewhere else. In fact, I have that ability, but it's difficult to do it on items. Sadly, I didn't know I had this ability, and when I was working on my healing, I ended up stealing a LOT of heat from one of my closest friends, and only two minutes later she felt like she just came out of the freezer.

The words you keep thinking may be a feeling that you need to absorb and transfer energy. It may simply be the need to ground, but it could also be something else. Just... Be careful! Energy absorption and transference can be dangerous, but usually it doesn't get to that.

Hope I helped. If you need anything, just message me!

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