My Psychic Journey And Problems

I don't know what else to call it except a psychic journey. It is a journey in some way, I guess, considering how far I've come and where it has led me today. I just wanted to share the events that started it and somethings that really trouble me. The events that I'll be sharing, were turning points for me let's say. I don't know how I feel about them. I don't know if I'm glad or upset about them. I guess,it's a mix of both. Maybe I needed them, but I don't think I like the way they happened.

My family is not a very religious family but they do believe and have faith in God. I, of course, followed their footsteps. As a child, I was someone who believed very strongly in God, had a very strong faith and prayed and thanked God everyday. My prayers were more for other people than for me. I was just a child, I didn't need many things. Whatever was needed, my family was there to provide. So, I prayed for those, who didn't have the same opportunities or were not in the same situation as me. I prayed for those who I thought really needed it. I'd pray and hope that my prayers were received. I don't know, if it helped in any way but, all I know is that, I poured my heart into the prayer. I prayed with all my faith.

When we are young, most of us don't really see the darkness that's in the world. We are bright and young and cheerful. We are so optimistic,hopeful. I was young too, I was a child too. I was optimistic too, but I was slowly starting to understand, that not everyone is what they seem to be, not everything that looks okay is truly okay. Still, I was always happy in the knowledge that God is there and God'll make things okay. So, I'd pray everyday and hope everyday, that my prayers were received. One day, I was praying as usual, head down, eyes closed, hands locked in prayer. Everything was normal, nothing out of the ordinary then suddenly, something happened. As I stood there praying, I felt something, that I haven't felt since that day. I felt like a part of my heart or my chest had been ripped out. I felt like a part of me, that made me who I was, had been ripped out. As soon as the hole had been made, it was filled too. I could feel it, but, it just didn't feel right. Like, someone cut out a circle but shoved in a triangle. It did fill the space, but it didn't feel right, didn't feel like me. I could tell a change had happened but I couldn't really tell what changed. I still can't to this day. All I can tell is, it's me but it's not me at the same time. Let's say, it's me but with something different. I don't know where it came from, I don't know if that made me strong or weak. I don't know. I just know, that a part of me was ripped and I haven't really felt whole since that day.

Some years passed. The incident was in the back of my mind now, stored away somewhere. I'd remember it sometimes but I'd always push it back again since, now I had school to worry about. But, there'd be times I'd remember it and feel sadness for no reason. If I remember correctly, I think, that is what triggered my psychic abilities. The reason I say that is because now I could sense things. I felt close to nature, especially to the wind and water. I still do. I'd pray outside and even on a still night, when there'd be no wind, a gust of wind would blow, always during my prayer, and I'd know, my prayer had been delivered. I'd get messages and answers when I'd need them the most. Like everyone else, I couldn't see in the dark but I could very well feel it if there was something there, something that wasn't quite human. I could sense if there was something when entering a house and I'd be correct. I had started getting weird dreams too. I'd see places, I'd never seen or been to before. I'd see places, castles and people from old times, times about which I didn't know. I'd see strange figures, creatures and even a ritual once.

One night, my dream became rather disturbing. I saw a person die and myself talking to the person, their dead body to be exact. I remember thinking,"She died but she's living again. She'll get over great hurdles and succeed in life.". It was not my speculation, it was a definite answer. I woke up, it was still dark outside, morning light was not there yet. I tried to go back to sleep but I was shaken up cause I had talked to a dead body, a rather messy dead body. I was disturbed I realized. At that point, I spread my arms on the bed, making somewhat of a star shape. Right as I did that, I felt weird, an anticipation, like something was about to happen. I was staring at the ceiling and I couldn't help but feel that something, something was looking down at me and getting ready to fall on me. It didn't feel bad. My brain kept saying,"Guardian, angel." Those two words were on repeat. The incident happened quick. I spread myself on the bed, stared up at the ceiling felt weird, thought and then felt something fall and enter me. The moment it entered me, I felt like a guitar or a harp. It felt like my strings were pulled and a sound was produced. I felt it everywhere. Then, suddenly, my tensed body relaxed. I felt pure bliss, pure peace and I fell asleep without any trouble. It never happened again but since then, I haven't really been afraid if I sense something, instead I can easily stand my ground and scare it away.

Over the years many things have changed, my abilities, my way of communication, how I behave and think and along with those, my energies too. Before, it used to be completely white, never really felt like it belonged though. Now, it's a mix of golden and black. Both are a part of me. They make me feel whole, not like I used to but, they do somewhat make me feel whole. I don't really have proper control over them. I have somewhat learned to control them with the help of the people from this forum but there are days, when I partially lose to the thirst,rage,hunger. I'd like to be able to tame it down a bit more. I also haven't felt completely whole since that incident, which I call the "Big Change incident"and I wish to feel that pure bliss, pure peace again. I always hunger for that, more so now a days since I had a big fight with God. I feel like the wayward child that loves his father but just dislikes his ways. I love God and believe in God. I haven't lost faith but I disagree with God's ways I guess. The fact that I can feel a sadness and frustration that is not my own during one of my banters, surprises me. Sometimes, I feel like I hear a sigh. But most of the times, I feel, strength, love and the feeling of being protected. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see my energy form,sometimes, I see wings on them, grey wings. I have been hoping to be able to find my answers and to be able to reconnect with God. I haven't lost the connection but, it feels like something is blocking the way. I hope I'll be successful and my success will lift this looming sadness from my heart and chase away sleepless nights.