There are four main motivators in my life: Love, hate, fear, and knowledge.
All four will motivate you to do good things, desperate things, wonderful things, and even impossible things... But you always have a choice in how you use your motivation.
I believe people can be motivating, but I think that would better fit the word inspirational. I think that is the difference I make between the two. Inspiration you get from the outside, people or experiences, even music and the arts.
Motivation however seems to come from a deeper place, so I have the opinion that it is one of the natural elements of being human.
It was fear and the need to know and understand those things in which I feared the most that sent me on my journey into attempting to understanding my psychic experiences.
I was afraid to die. I was terrified to be dead, and knowing that some day it was going to happen to me no matter what God I believed in or not I was going to be dead some day in the future. I couldn't escape the fear and it brought me years of panic attacks that no one could seem to explain to me.
I would wake up in such a state I was unable to breath. I was always being rushed to the emergency room, only to be told nothing was wrong with me.
I had on many occasions been haunted by spirits. I believe it was these events that brought on the initial fear. Because it was after some of the haunting episodes that the panic attacks started.
I had to figure this fear out, get it under control and soon, because it was taking it's toll on me physically and certainly emotionally. They started years before I got married and continued until the birth of my son.
During the pregnancy I was able to control the panic attacks by recognizing them at the start, and that helped me to control them, some times even able to avoid them altogether.
Eventually I went without them for years.
Time seems to melt into years pretty darn quickly, especially after you have children. Memories turn into birthdays and anniversaries so it makes it easier to forget some experiences, even if they are life changing.
I have experienced being held down on my bed by a spirit. The room filled with movement as my eyes refused to open no matter how hard I tried. My heart pounded in my chest as I struggled for each breath I managed to take, yet I couldn't scream. At least not on the outside. I could hear voices and laughter as I struggled with my mind convincing myself it wasn't a dream, knowing full well that I was awake.
I fought to pull my arms up, and sit. I ended up feeling myself tossed from the bed, luckily, landing on my feet and running for the door. I gasped and stumbled into the living room... I was 9 months pregnant.
Although as I said, I didn't have panic attacks once I was pregnant, but I still continued to have haunting experiences, and that was by far the worst I've ever had. It was the worst because it got physical at such a vulnerable time in my life, and I truly felt unprotected at that time. It was my fears that blinded me from the positives around me.
I didn't sleep in the bedroom after that, not alone anyway. At the time my husband worked while in school and that took him away 3 or 4 nights a week. On the nights he was home (because I never told him what happened), I slept in the room with him, but when he was away I slept on a sofa in the living room.
Even while in the living room I could hear movement in the bedroom but the energy didn't seem quite so unbearable from that distance. It's amazing what you can talk yourself out of simply to cope.
We were only in that house for 3 months and I was not sorry to leave it.
To this day when I find myself in that area of town I feel compelled to drive by it. It's like the negative energy pulls me in. That is how fear works, like a vacuum.
I needed help with my fear, and getting control over it. I figured out that I needed to find something I feared more than death. To do that I decided to find out what it was that I was really scared of, by breaking it down into bite size pieces so I could digest it, and learn to live with it.
After a closer look I found it wasn't being dead that scared me as much as those few seconds prior to the end. The moments of knowing this is it. Knowing you are going to die within moments and no matter what you do there is nothing you can do to change it. Hopelessness.
There it was... I was afraid of being hopeless.
So, in order to no longer fear being dead I had to know if there was something after this life to be hopeful about.
I had in my younger years studied the bible. I read it, and prayed, and believed in God, and Christian theology. I didn't see or understand how everything was painted black or white. I didn't seem to understand the hard lines, and they didn't fit with what I felt to be true or right... At least not for me.
Even then the voices inside me were guiding me towards not so much a different answer, but perhaps a more complete one.
For a long time as I grew in my psychic abilities my belief in the Christian God allowed for it, after all is it not a listed gift of the Holy Spirit to be able to discern spirits?
When I started getting into ghost investigations it was because I had questions for the dead that I wanted them to answer directly, if they could. I also wanted to see if they really existed at all because, if they did at least then I would know there is some kind of life after death, even if it wasn't a good one, I figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.
I had been spiritually evolving during all this time and allowing communications between me, and spirits. I made it clear to them that at no time would I allow a take over. They could talk through me using words, expressions, noises, and images, but they couldn't enter my body, that would freak me out and I'd push them out, and close the door, end of deal. They seemed to understand that.
Now my relationship with my guides is closer than ever. I hear their humor, and the memories of me and experiences I had, they often share with me. Its like they remind me of who I really am beyond this present life. They are family, and friends all rolled into support and love with their wise words and guidance I'm fortunate to receive. Yet, it was not always this way. Before I knew enough to trust myself, I was afraid of them and their voices, their images. I didn't understand they are part of me, and I am part of them. I saw them as unnatural, and separate from myself. It took me a very long time to accept the connections I had always felt.
Now when I'm doing a reading sometimes I feel the personality of the spirit so strongly I will pick up their characteristics... I'm not frightened by this now because I understand they just want to be identified, and this can sometimes help to confirm who they are, and that they are there.
I really started listening to my guides when my mother was very ill. They seemed to come to me while I would be driving in my car alone. It was after my divorce, and I would drive my children to see their father every other weekend. It was on these drives that I would be given information by my guides regarding questions my mother had about the after life, an after life I myself wanted to know more about.
"Will I know you? Will I remember I was your mother? I want to remember the love between me and my family."
I wanted those answers too and I didn't know them. I wanted to be able to tell her that I would know her, and she would know me but I didn't know if that was the case.
The only thing I could tell her was that she needed to imagine loving everyone with the same depth that she loves me, my dad, and all of us.
I think that was a good answer, but it wasn't the answer she was really looking for and I knew that. Smiling of course she accepted this with a gracious. "I guess so."
Then I received information from my guides;
When this life passes, and you are rejoined with us, some of us have been through many life times with you. We all share the memories of each other, and those life times. You have known her before and you will know her again. There is never a time when you will not know her or the love. It has always been and it will always be.
I cry now in gratitude for the messages they gave me because it was the most beautiful answer I could have ever received and was able to share.
My mother has always been with me, and I have always been with her, and it will always be that way no matter what life time we exist in or what relationship we have.
Now I had something to share with my mother and I did. Her eyes knew it was the truth. She had always known us, her family, her loves, and she always would.
My journey to where I am has been long indeed. Over many life times I've learned, and I've studied with my guides. They know me better than I know myself.
They helped me to understand death is nothing like we think it is. In fact, life is nothing like we think it is. They instruct me daily in ways to make my time here more fruitful, and enjoyable. They have taught me about trust, and love, and give me strength enough to maybe help others who struggle with the same fears that I've had. Am I now fearless? NO!
But I have hope...