Alright, so this is probably one of the darker stories you'll see on this site, so if you have spiritual problems with reading about demonic entities and so forth, do not go on.
A little background on me. I guess I've kind of always known psionics and other dimensions were real and so forth, but it took someone to verify it for me a little over a year ago for me to realize my actual potential and begin feeling energy. It wasn't anything too odd, at first. In my previous story, I discuss one such entity I encountered earlier on, the Lord of the Flies.
Probably a month or so after I posted that story, the entity I recognized as Beelzebub disappeared from my senses except remotely, and I dare not call it forth to my consciousness except in a strictly mental context for fear of it returning. But something else had taken its place. The winter brought about a fierce cold, rather than a putrid warmth, and it wasn't entirely empty, but it reminded a lot of my experiences with energy of the void, which is essentially an envelope of empty vacuum that encloses this universe from the next. I realized I was having an encounter with Belial, and that the Ba'al or Lords were the ones behind much of the evil and suffering in the world. For a time, about three weeks I believe, I think I was a bit possessed due to my compromised emotional state at the time. My body would emit an utter freezing cold that I could stand under any circumstance, but all others would feel it to the bone, and it didn't discriminate between how open they were or not. It was power I didn't really want to have in my hands, so I did what I could to cleanse myself and move onto whatever I would face next, at that point unaware that it could get much worse.
The void seemed like the only thing I could turn to to absolutely imprison and remove things from my paradigm of reality until I chose to free them in a limited frame of space from my own (basically I ignored their existence in that context), but that didn't help at all. The cold got worse. I didn't feel it of course, my skin had actually become very pale and dry, even though there was no nutritional reason for this change. I even went to a doctor, they said I was slightly anemic, but there was no way because my lab results were fine. They couldn't explain the coldness either. Recently I was told to fill my connection to the void, good and bad advice. It would shut me off to constantly shifting planes, but at the same time, it awakened a personal demon which I believe to be a self-expression of the anti-Christ.
Now be aware, for those who don't really understand metaphysics that well, these are only allegorical representations of yourself that exist on a level of reality in which time is constant. Any path that you choose is the way things are in the physical reality, a primary example being the choice between being good and Christ-like or incarnated as some form of Ba'al in your own sort of way. This would mostly be obvious in others and their perceptions of you, but self-perception is even more important. Being a good and generous person, or selfish and evil; lecherous and deceitful, rather than honest and genuine; I realized while these choices weren't really the ones I was making or were going to make, they suddenly became apparent in the way they would make me, and the true nature of my negative emotions were revealed to me in a visual way. I'm using these names for the sake of what they represent, they transcend belief structure in my opinion, just as a caveat on that.
Anyway, I feel as though others are embracing their darker halves more as I try to be better: greedy, hungry, lustful, angry and growing moreso by the day. It may be this place. Most of the people I speak of are just regular folks, who are messed up in a latent sort of way, but others are friends, and even I am being pressured by the negative spirits to be unconscious and less of myself. I read things on this site and all over that are similar. Accounts of good and evil personas that are denied or embraced, even balanced out, but my better half has developed as well.
I've started to have this connection with nature that is just uncanny. Most living things are unusually comfortable or compliant with me, even the things that could probably harm me, like stinging insects and wild animals. I realize being one with everything and trying to maintain a level of heightened awareness is ideal to the way I feel, helping to nourish the environment and allow it to thrive. I understand the creator/destroyer, day-and-night syndrome of duality behind everything, but my question is, what end does balance leave, does a lack of choice help or harm, how does lacking firm ground affect the way life flows? Does anyone have advice on being present in mind, relaxing or focusing, etc. I don't wish to make the wrong decision. Maybe me being good is the bad choice in the long run for humanity, or if I do evil, how much suffering will I experience subject to the state of my thoughts and how I perceive that right or wrong? I'm not trying to ignore karma. I'm just trying to understand it better. Because while I have a basic idea of both destinations, there are so many wrong turns I can take.
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