I feel somewhat crazy, doing this. Putting this all out there for all of you to read, when I don't even understand all this. I am twenty three years old, and yet I feel like a child who froze during a spelling-bee. I don't even know where to start. I guess I will go back as far as I can remember. I was still in elementary, when I started noticing that some days, were exactly like others, in the way they feel, not like temperature but something else, I can't quite explain.
The endless Deja Vu, even now, the dreams I have of murders that took place long before I was born, that I didn't know about until a few days later, I research into them, I'll watch the television and come up with the same answers before they air, even colors or fabrics. I sense things no one else sees, and I know if I told my family they would admit me to the hospital for mental instability.
They have said I have always been weird, but I never ever imagined I would ever be telling anyone any of this. For years before it happened though. The one thing that stands out to me above everything else. I always had this horrible feeling, all of my life, that something was coming. In the late 90's it got worse. In about 1996 it just would not go away, I would wonder if I was in some horrible trouble, if I did something wrong, and then, in 2001 the feeling stopped and I KNEW something was horribly wrong.
I didn't know the twin towers even existed, nor what they were, being from such a small town it seemed miles away, they told us when I was in Choir. I can't remember the exact time, but I saw the news when I got home. I went upstairs and didn't come home the entire evening. I had had a dream for two days prior that I was on a plane, now mind that I had never been on a plane beforehand. I had a dream I was in the front of the plane, I was a man, with a blue shirt, and a brown suit, brown hair, white skin. (I am a woman) I looked up and my vision was blurry at first, but I saw a man of slightly darker skin screaming things I couldn't understand.
He had a woman by the neck, someone who worked for the airline. People were shouting and screaming all around me and I lunged for the plastic fork, he bit me, but I never let go, I looked back at all the kids and families and I screamed, I looked out the window and I saw buildings, suddenly I was in the cockpit, again a man, watching the people in the building stare in horror, then as the flames came all around, I wasn't anywhere near NYC. I was in a field, the grass was long and unmoved, the ground uneven, and wet.
The grass was yellow and there weren't many trees, I remember being confused, as to why a plane was so low, but it wasn't like the other planes, a smaller two person. But it was still a plane, I yelled for whatever reason, and watched it crash, and I watched the people inside scream and burn, I woke up freaked out but I convinced myself it was just another nightmare and forced myself back to sleep. I am here for more than that reason.
I want to know if I am just freaking out, even after all this time. I have more than just this story. I just want to know if there is actually any reality to this, or if I just need to ignore everything I do experience. I don't want fame and all that other crap. I just want to TRY and be normal. Well. As normal as I can be. I just don't want to be a freak anymore.