I came to this site, because I am trying to get it. I am trying to be honest, for the first time ever. I am not saying I am a liar. But I mean be honest about what I have had to do, to keep my secret hidden. My mother worked in the psychiatric ward of a hospital and my dad worked with runaways and misfits. They both told me to my face I am the one person on this earth they could never understand, or get into my head. I had to learn early, not to trust a soul with me secret. I learned early to steady my hands, so to speak, and steady my voice, until it quivered no more. I learned very early, in just the years of what should have been fun and making friends, to keep people at arms length. I see the show psychic kids. I feel a glimmer of envy rise, because I wish I could have been helped like that, but I also wish I could have been brave like they were, to show their faces on television, when I didn't even have the courage to look up during class. I hid my horror behind flat sarcasm and being the slacker, the joker in class, but in reality I was scared most of the time. I soon found I could seal my emotions away, like they were behind a door that I could lock. Not to be cliche, but it was like I sealed away part of my soul, the part that would cry and be afraid and weak, I refused to allow it to happen anymore, but soon everything ceased to matter. I looked at everything in black and white, and it became easy to use logic, and find the most efficient way to handle a situation with the littlest effort. Not to be even more cliche, but I was like Sam in Supernatural, when he didn't have a soul. I was cold, and callus, and I was smart. No emotion to hinder me. People were never around me long enough to know me, nor for me to really care. Until last year. I met someone who was just like me and suddenly everything I had blocked off with such ease, suddenly busted through the walls I had built. Yes, it is a boy, and yes we are an item now but we at first hated each other, but even when we feuded, he had broken down the walls I carefully constructed to keep everyone at bay. The point is when I hid, I was never really happy, I was only existing, and finally after 23 years of hiding, I am finally able to open up bit by bit, about what I am. Though I want to be able to define it, and control it, I am accepting it. Some people call me emotionally damaged, and to be honest, that is probably true, but I mend myself in my own ways. This site is one of them.
Past Self, New Self
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