First of all, let me just say that I like to consider myself to have an open mind. With that said, I am very skeptical of much of what I see on the internet. However, here I am. The short version is that for as long as I can remember I have seen a visual static or visual snow (V.S.) across my whole field of vision. This is something that I forget about on a regular basis as it has never been a problem for me. It is like a billion tiny dots. They are translucent and range in color. Mostly a yellow/green color followed in prominence by a pinkish color and then a blue color. The best way to describe it is like seeing the pixels on your computer screen. You can google visual snow to get a better idea of what I am talking about. While I don't pay attention to it often, it is always there and never really goes away. But it is so unknowtisible and unburdensome that I have never thought much of it.
While I have always had this, there is another, very different kind of particle-like energy that I experience. It is not across my whole field of vision and it is not persistent. It is also colorless. For a while I associate it as being related to my V.S. But there is a huge difference. I can interact with this stuff. My pixelated vision is like a colorful haze that is evenly across my sight. But this 2nd kind of "stuff" is more like grayscale particles that I see moving in the air and gathering around objects. I also cannot really see this stuff when there is a lot of light. When things are dimly lit I can see it better. There is a relaxation game that I have on my android phone called Particle Flow. This is VERY much how these 2nd kind of particles move and act. When I am in bed I can hold my hands up about 6 inches or so apart from each other and I can see these little black particles dancing from hand to hand. The way you might imagen a magnetic field. I can spread my fingers and watch the particles dance flow around my fingers almost like webbing between them.
I have tried this in the light and while I can still somewhat see it. It is much harder and they are perfectly clear so I cannot focus as well on them. But in the dark I can pick them up easier. I can seemingly direct this stuff with my hands. Forming a kind of ball between my hands.
Again. This is something that I have ALWAYS been able to do. As a kind I just thought it was part of my imagination. But here I am 27 years old and it is still there. And in fact... I found out that I can heighten the experience. A few years ago, I stumbled across an inhailent called poppers. This is something very prominent in gay culture and can be found in most sex shops. My first time partaking I saw what I can only explain as a black orb that emits a bright yellow/green light about two feet in front of my face. And with that light came a TON of these blackish particles. Like a burst of energy rushing from this orb. And as if this wasn't crazy enough I could feel them. They would more through the air. Around objects. Along my hands. The density of these particles was so think that it looked more like black smoke. The air flow in the room seemed to interact with them. Causing air funnels of little black dots.
To this day I can experience this. Admittedly, not regularly as intense but far more so than it was before. And when I engage in "recreational pursuits" It is the same very strong experience. The orb shows up and I have started talking to it like a friend. It seems to interact with me. As I stated in the title of this post. I am a skeptic. As such, I chalk this up to hallucinations. And that would be fine and all if poppers cause hallucinations which they notably do not. But I am not the only person with a similar visual reaction. I have found articles where people describe the same orb of light. But what they do not talk about is the particles. That tells me that I am not (at least totally) crazy. And that brings me to this week...
The past few nights I have interacted with this orb and something exciting and honestly frightening happened. I started seeing figures. It is worth noting that I have always associated this clouds of black smoke and this orb as "not the same thing." They feel different to me. But now... Not just did I see this orb and this particles but the smoke cloud of particles started showing me faces. And to be perfectly honest I screamed.
It has always struck me as odd that there was a matter of unpredictability about this stuff. If it was in my head, I wouldn't be surprised by it. But I often find myself caught off guard by the way the particles move, or they way they interact with something, or just in general behaving in a way that I would not have expected. But I never considered the possibility that I would see an image like what I saw.
In rapid succession I saw 3 people in black and white images. First was a middle aged man. He was laying on his side in what looked like laundry or other bodies (hoping it was just clothes), clutching his chest and screaming. It was as if this smoke opened up a little window in which to see through. The image of this man in agony made me gasp but that was just the first image and only lasted about two seconds. Next I saw just a woman's face. I say "just" because the vision on the man, while close up, did show me some of his surroundings but this face was just a face. Unlike the window like view I had of the man. This was a white face on a black background. It was in profile and it turned slightly towards me. She was young and beautiful. No expression. This image lasted maybe 6 or so seconds. She made me feel calm and I liked this image much more than I did the man. And spatially she was closed to me as the man seemed so far removed.
Then from behind the smoke I saw the face of a man start to rise up over it and come through the smoke. He was in the room with me. This is when I screamed no and I thrust my hands forward to push him away. I sat up in bed and went to the restroom to get some water.
That was two nights ago. Last night I saw him again. He is dressed in black. His face has been hidden by the shadow/smoke which seems to bring him. He is bald with head tattoos. Not gang-like tattoos but geometric tattoos. And he scares the shiat out of me.
Again, I am a skeptic about all of this stuff. But I saw what I saw and can't make since of it. I have got this feeling that this orb is friendly and wants me to engage with it. But in doing so, I am dealing with horrifying images. I want to experience more of this and see what it is but I also don't want to be possessed or anything like that. I feel stupid just saying that because I role my eyes at people who say these kinds of things but here I am experiencing something I cannot explain and I need help and guidance dealing with it.