It is hard to put into words exactly what I am feeling right now, mostly because I don't know exactly what I am going through. All through my life I have been experiencing things that make me feel like something is pushing me to a more enlightened side. A part, all of my incidents seem like normal occurrences but to me they seem to add up to something I can't explain. I will give a bit of a condensed history laying out why I feel this way.
I grew up in a very violent childhood, and my earliest memory was one of the worst nights I have experienced. I won't go into details but that night when I looked out my door and I saw a fully developed person, except the color was like energy. I knew it was my dead grandma protecting me. Almost as if an angel was blocking anything negative from getting in my door. I could feel her giving me peace and her sadness even though she didn't want me to feel the later. While I haven't seen her since then I know she is with me, I feel her along the sides of my back when I think about her.
Other times I have felt the world around me, not just people, but trees, animals, and the earth. I am strongly connect with my Native American blood like it is calling me. The only downside is that I feel like I am getting too old to learn to talk to them now. Certain tribes believe that if you don't learn to talk to the spirits by a certain age you loose the ability. I don't feel the urge to train quite so much anymore, it's still there but it is more a simmering then a blazing. I feel like somehow my ancestors are calling me but I just can't find my voice to talk to them.
I am a Taoist in philosophy and when I walk by places haunted by angry spirits, I get angry at them. I feel like they hate me, like I am supposed to fight them. I firmly believe that there needs to be a balance in everything. Despite my upbringing, or maybe because of it, I am extremely paternal. I always want to take care of and nurture others. When I experience spirits that belong I am extremely at peace and relaxed, but if I experience a spirit that doesn't belong my hackles go up, like I am a dog defending its territory.
At times I feel my aura just shoots out of me, like my body can't contain it. The power leaves me lightheaded, not in a way I feel depleted, just like my spirit is to strong for my body. The auras around my hands are so intense sometimes I can almost see them. However when I focus on my third eye like everything I read or hear tells me, I don't see a white light, mine is black. It isn't a scary black but it is very relaxing and peaceful. It may have to do with me thinking men should strive for more yin in their life as opposed to yang, but I am also worried because I do believe in God that maybe I am not channeling the right energy to protect myself.
I also have an ability to read people like books. I can meet a person for the first time and tell them almost everything about themselves. I can tell how they view their relationships with loved ones all the way to who they want to be in life. It's not like I get visions, I just know it like I learned it a long time ago and am now just remembering it. The longer I know someone the harder it is for me to do this with them, I think because I develop an emotional attachment and see them how I want to see them, not how they are.
I guess I am looking for an experienced medium to tell me if I am pulling this energy and these spirits to me, or they are approaching me. I certainly didn't try to contact my grandma's spirit but I feel like now she is attached to me and I never really knew her in life. At the same time I certainly feel like most bad things stay away from me or are very angry being around me and I can't see them coming to me on their own.
I am also worried about seeing black when I try to see out of my third eye. It is not a normal black, it's as if everything outside of my eyelids disappears. The whole world all-light as if I have come to where there is nothing and just waiting to come into being. The only problem with that is I can't pull anything into being.
All in all I feel extremely powerful sometimes, yet extremely ordinary other times, and I can't control when those happen. If I have medium powers is this normal?
Sorry for the long post but I wanted to be thorough and provide the best grammar I could. I know I appreciate when people put care into their stuff online and wanted to extend the same courtesy.
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