I remember nothing of the events that unfold here. I have only been told by my girlfriend, who awakens to me in a full panic, but yet I am calm. We've lived in this small house for six months, I have never gotten a good nights' sleep. But being an adrenaline junkie I figured it was nothing new. My girlfriend (Tilly) told me that one night I dragged her from bed and stood over her in an aggressive stance; protective. She said she looked where I was staring but saw nothing, but from the way I was intensely focused she knew I was looking AT something. She says she was scared but felt safe, she says I stood over her like a gorilla over his young for 5 solid minutes before I snapped back to reality. I only remember awaking alarmed, wondering why I was on the ground shaking and sweating. A long time passed before she again told me what was going on. She told me that for weeks I had been getting out of bed and staring at the bathroom, some nights I even seemed to stare with a fiery gleam that could only mean to scare others away. She was scared, and so was I. After weeks of me stalking around our bedroom with no recollection of the nights events, we decided that we should shut the bathroom door from then on. For about a week I thought this had solved the problem. Until last night. I clearly remember being awake until about 5 am. Tilly tells me I fell asleep around midnight. This being said, she tells me I awake around 2 am to the sound of our cat meowing at the bathroom door, I recall telling her to be quiet because we weren't letting her out. Tilly tells me I was standing at the foot of the door, crouched upon the balls of my feet, staring, waiting. She says I again got on top of her in the bed in a very aggressive, protective stance and protected her body with mine. I remember none of this. I often awake in the morning with a sense of abandonment, loneliness, harshness. But I chalk it up to bad dreams. At the same time though it seems I have repetitive dreams that I cannot remember. I guess it seems I have no clue what to do. I know something is here. I feel it. But what really scares me is myself. I do things I can't remember and protect people from things they can't see, things I can't see, things I can only feel. How do I come to terms with this?!
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