A rather long time ago I worriedly wrote a post as I developed this sense of being different hoping for answers. I wasn't only feeling different in the sense of being different from everybody around me, but also being very different from the person I had once been. In my last recollection I explained how my temper had been off the wall and how there would be points where I would lose myself completely and when I came back to reality, things would be broken.
Lately, things have been getting MUCH worse.
Along with my horrible temper (which a lot of times plays a part in these things) I can physically feel something twisting and turning inside of me. Almost begging to be let out so that it can reek havoc on whatever poor object or soul that brought it about. The anger I feel has become worse in the sense that now it seems nearly uncontrollable. I end up biting holes in my forearms and clawing my body up and down just to keep from blowing up. Or more importantly, to keep someone else from seeing me blow up. Sometimes it gets so bad that I can feel my chest and stomach almost caving in on themselves to the point where I feel my ribs scrape against each other. (Pretty sure that's something pre dating these experiences.) Also my breathing gets extremely labored and comes out almost like a low grunt/growl.
There's also this sensation that comes over me even when I'm not angry. It's extremely hard to describe but I will try my absolute best. It usually accompanies this voice that sounds female saying anything along the lines of "let me out. " it can be cunning, calm, and sometimes even downright seductive. I can almost feel the touch of the person I hear on my body as she attempts to persuade me. When I look in the mirror after hearing it, (or anytime for that matter) it seems like it's not me I'm looking at but someone different and that the body I'm in is not my own.
Now here's the strange feeling that accompanies this. It's an extremely odd sensation in my chest, right near my heart. The best way to describe it is this tightness and tingling that hurts and is extremely uncomfortable but is strangely pleasureful. It causes me to breathe quicker and makes that disturbing sound come from the back of my throat. I dig my nails into my chest and create long lines that bleed slightly when it happens in an attempt to control myself. Lately when it happens I start these convulsions that seem to come as a wave from my chest. To sum it all up, it makes me feel like I want to rib myself from my body. That is the most disturbing part of this. That physical sensation that overcomes me.
If anyone can offer advice to a troubled 16 year old it would be greatly appreciated.