There was a time when I was younger and more foolish than I am now, in this time I was a highly spiritual person always self-reflecting and on the lookout for anything that is not of material nature. Over the years I made friends with like-minded people, one of which broke my heart severely. With him went the friendship between me and the others, leaving me lonely in the end.
That person was very important to me, so I mourned him deeply, but another who followed showed me that his reasoning was as irrational as can be, and that his accusations were shallow at best. It was from this day on that I made reason and logic my personal religion, as it brought me out of this depressing, deep hole that was dug for me.
Stubbornly I preached it for the years to come, not listening to the feeling of excitement I had in my gut which told me that there was more than meets the eye when stumbling over more obscure topics. After all, I didn't want to fall down that same hole again and in truth, my fear of it was unmatched. It was safe to say that I was outright terrified of it.
It took years for a similar instance to occur. This person was different, but in the end all the same. I felt lonely most of the time, as if I didn't have proper company. Said person filled this void for the most part and so I cherished our friendship. We had our differences for sure, but in a way we were at the same wavelength and I constantly tried to be the best I can be. Weeks prior to our split, I had this feeling that something was foul.
The feeling that was once only a suspicion became pure, untraceable dread and it got worse with almost every day. In the end my mental state was affected heavily, with very frequent mood swings which are unusual for me, loss of focus, and a noticeable influx of all sorts of negative emotions ranging from hopelessness to frustration and anger. 'lo and behold, he who I thought to be my close friend stabbed me in the back at the most inappropriate of times shortly after my mental state became a real concern. The moment it was over I felt relieved, free almost.
I spent the following weeks thinking about those feelings of dread and excitement that seemingly had no source, like they usually do, finding that intuition would probably be the best way to put it. Still terrified of happenings long past repeating themselves, I refused to accept it, never did I want to stoop so low again. If it wasn't just for this feeling that was calling for me, yearning, as if I'm not the sole inhabitant of this body. It was the most intense it's ever been, as if to plead for my acceptance, that now where I found it I should never let go again. Even as I'm writing this particular part, I feel the excitement again, as if to reassure me that it's present. The intense urge to embrace whatever it was, to give in, emerged at around the same time and after long consideration, I did at last.
By now I've gotten used to feel it "speak" when lost in thought about certain topics, when I read or hear about something specific. It may sound strange but at times when I reflect on the moment in which I discovered it, I feel a sense of love, not able to tell if I am the one producing these emotions or if my intuition is causing it.
I remain with a feeling of a certain incompleteness, however. Whenever the topic of religion comes up, I feel it to be important with the familiar but fainter urge to embrace it, yet it fades back to nothingness whenever I read up about religions throughout history. At times I also feel as if I was part of something larger, and that the answer is right at my fingertips, but I simply cannot find it. Occasionally the thought of not being quite "human in spirit," if that makes sense, comes with a faint positive response. Meditation I feel is supposed to bring me closer to myself, my intuition confirms as much, yet whenever I do, I don't get any answer like I do whenever I commit myself to something it deems right.
I never truly opened up about what happened to me, what exactly I felt, always hiding some information as to not make it sound too crazy in fear of being called such. With that said, I thank you for taking the time to read through this little experience. I tried keeping it as readable as possible, with English not being my native language and with my education having been on an all-time low, that can be hard.
Life is like that after a certain point, one day you wake up and see how wonderful it is even with the downs.
What type of self-expression are you looking for? There are numerous writing, painting, music and other forums out there. I do recommend giving them a try, either to simply look at others' art (for me music and paintings/drawings) or to put up your own work. Personally, I have always loved looking at a person's self-expression, it gives you a lot of insight in to who they are. All I can say is give it a try, if it is a true passion of yours, you will know after a while.
Oddly, enough a lot of people feel disconnected from each other anymore, maybe it is because we don't talk to each other like we did in the past (I genuinely am not for sure). The thing is even though you may not connect with someone on all levels, it does not mean they cannot be your friend and help you along with your life. You can learn a lot about yourself from others. As for people trying to direct your life, they are either people who are concerned with maintaining power or people trying to help you or a mix of both. Really, in the end you cannot let them dictate such things in your life, you have the right to do as you want as long as you do not hurt or interfere with some else's right to do the same (sorry about getting a little preachy there, being free to do what you want and to follow your passions as long as you don't hurt anyone, is one of my big beliefs in life.)
I hope you are well,