I have been dealing with a mental illness. The medications made me really sick and feeling as though my body wasn't working properly. During the cold winter months, I became extremely ill. I did the best to maintain as best as I could. I got severe headaches and had to go to the emergency room. I was turned away after being given a dose of narcotics. I couldn't get my mind to stop perceiving things. I had a vision in my mind of Jesus being crucified. As well as hearing things that weren't there. My brain totally went haywire.
Now I thought this was just me experiencing things that didn't make much sense to me. I find out a few months later my Uncle has brain tumors and is given less then 6 months to live. It was odd because all the pain in my head made sense. I don't like people looking at me like I'm crazy. This odd occurrence correlate with experiences others may be having. I often hear simple messages from people often emotional laden. They later confirm what I heard by mentioning something similar. I sometimes feel as though this isn't real and I created the incident in my mind. The thing is I'm really observant. I'm also very intent.
For some reason I have this Uncle who was really in touch with me on a empathic level. We rarely visited each other or talked much. I was pretty sick and experiencing back pains. I went to visit him one day. I mentioned my back hurt. The guy showed me his back where they had operated on him and he had lung cancer. It was the exact same spot that I was experiencing pain. I don't really know what to make of this experience. I sometimes feel as though I'm supposed to try to heal people but that is a skill that has gone unused.
As I mentioned my Uncle was very sick. I died with him in a sense I suppose. I could hear his inner struggle. I could feel him wanting to let go. I could feel his anger and pain. I knew intimately what was going through his heart and mind. This Friday he died. My mind went haywire again. My thoughts were racing I felt extremely angry. I couldn't decide to go left or right. It was very confusing. Then suddenly all the inner turmoil ended. It got peaceful and my mind was confident again and I could make decisions. I got a phone call shortly later. It was my Mother and she told me my Uncle had passed away. I would just like to mention I have a pretty good sense of people emotional states sometimes. Peoples actions don't line up with what I see on the outside or what they are telling me. I think of it as you can't bullshiat and bullshiater.
I often feel angry with people for being so fake. The way they process their emotions. From what I pick up. My Aunt is sad cause she lost her provider and lover. My Mother is sad because the thought of death angers and frightens her. She also believed him to be a great man. My cousin is always angry for some reason. It's like an endless pit of negativity but is constantly in search for a Daddy figure and sort of reminds me of Peter Pan. I'm sorry I can't always work up the emotional response others want me to. I'm not a puppet I'm my own person and I will deal with this in my own way. People often look at me as though I don't care about anybody else. I'm sort of happy to have him off my back. It's difficult managing my emotions and that of a other. I don't fully understand. Inside I sort of feel a hardness. I'm thankful for the lessons he taught me though. For a few months I gained the sense of what it means to live fully. I was living as though as I was going to die. I was appreciating life in a whole new perspective. I feel sorry that he left a young daughter behind. Mainly what I can think of is "Crap happens".