Not all of my experiences with the world of spirit have necessarily been negative, at least not directly. For many years I was involved in an equally beneficial symbiotic relationship with what I now believe to be a clinging soul, a girl who for the purposes of this discussion I will call Kat. While it was more than a little uncomfortable at times, for reasons which will become clear soon enough, it was most definitely interesting experience, and one that has left more than a few lingering questions behind as well. I am a little reticent to share this story, for obvious reasons, though I will give it a try.
I've always been an artist, ever since I was old enough to hold a pen. I spent most of my otherwise unhappy childhood in a self inflicted dream world of monsters and mutants, beasts and heroes. I was never good enough to turn my hand to it professionally, despite a two year detour I made to study graphic design at college, and had long resigned myself to the fact that my intricate black and white creations would never achieve any recognition. Sometime around the year 2000 I opened an online gallery to showcase my pen and ink illustrations, and after a slow start I began to receive some positive feedback on my work. But the pressure to continually produce new and more interesting artistic scenario's left me desperate for inspiration and willing to plumb the very depths of my psyche to get it.
Kat first made herself known to me in my dreams. She was a sexually obsessed little creature, a succubi by nature if not by species, cold and vibrant and achingly alive. I don't mind admitting that we shared each other intimately while I slept, a much needed release for a man who was actively repressing his own desires at the time and had, through personal choice, remained a virgin well into his 20's. Her needs mirrored my own, at least at first, and she soon found expression in the real world through my artwork, breathing new life into an existing character which I had never desired to develop before and altering her almost beyond recognition in the process.
Soon my artwork began to take on a more playfully sexual aspect, switching from standard character and creature portraits to whimsical pin up work, not an unwelcome evolution of my style to be sure, and for my part at least I was more than comfortable with it. In time my work with Kat progressed to full nudes, rendered as tastefully as possible, my limits as to the content which I would and would not draw set to a similar level as that of classical sculpture and my outright refusal to cross the line from pin up to erotic work most probably causing the next, far more sinister phase of our working relationship.
There had always been an underlying darkness to Kat's personality, both as a nocturnal lover and a real world muse, and soon this began to exert itself more and more in my dealings with her. The sadistic, fetishistic and at times outright violent nature of the images I was creating disturbed me to such an extent that I tried my best to stop drawing her altogether, though this only resulted in Kat periodically knocking on the inside of my head and thrusting a new, usually blood soaked and disturbing concept for an illustration before my vision, her charming smile and softly spoken demands quickly pushing me to a point where I would have to either give up my art entirely to be free again, or carry on and fall under her sway even further.
She wanted to be the dominant half of our partnership, and I knew enough about the workings of the occult even then to realize that such a surrendering of myself to an outside entity would be a very bad thing indeed. The people who visited my online gallery at the time new nothing of all this, of course, and lusted hungrily after the next image of their freely adopted cultural icon, her sway over them growing even as I actively sought to resist it myself. My personal life became a mess, and I used to stay up all night slaving over the latest image of her, fuelled by cola and chocolate and very little else. I might have been fighting her influence, but I was under no illusions that she was winning.
Yet after struggling on in this way for years, fighting a constant battle of wills with an entity who's soft and yielding nature, tinged as it was with blood and pain, made any thoughts of resistance seem almost nonsensical, I finally met a girl in the real world who I felt deserved to share my body with me, and Kat herself seemed to agree, for she left me on the evening of the 6th of June 2006, while the girl who would go on to become my lover and I were discussing our possible future together. I felt my aura stretch and snap back into shape, and knew she was gone, my relief at being free of her tinged with the sadness of knowing that I had lost touch with an entity that had taught me so much about both my own creativity and sexuality, even if they were not always truths which I was willing to face at the time.
So how do I explain her? The rationalist in me asserts that she was a fragmentary aspect of my own repressed desires given life by my deep subconscious and sustained upon the very mental energy that I was expending to keep my purely physical needs from rising to the surface. The occultist in me, however, recognizes the presence of a second, distinct entity in all this, a creature who I had assumed to be some form of succubi for many years, until my more in depth research proved that the very nature of our symbiotic relationship, and the distinctly human aspects of her rapidly growing personality, flew in the face of accepted demonological thinking on the subject of purely sexual nocturnal spirits.
And so it leaves me with the knowledge that I was, for a time at least, passionately involved with a lost soul, a wandering spirit seeking the warmth of human interaction, her longings and desires finding a willing host within my own, and her lust for fame enough to fuel my artistic creativity to new heights. We both got what we wanted from the relationship, and in the end, when it finally did end, I doubt there was any real ill will on Kat's part, any more than there was on mine. I hardly draw at all now, as it is just not the same without my dark muse guiding my pen and dancing through my dreams, though who knows? Perhaps now that I am single again she will return, and I will be far less willing to resist her otherworldly charms this time around