Ever since I was a child, random people would tell me they got a shock or a tingling feeling when I shook their hand or touched them. I was always an overly sensitive child, often agitated and worried for no apparent reason.
From the age of three until I was about six, I had imaginary friends who I could see. They were children dressed differently than me and we used to meet in "hiding places" such as under the dining room table, in one of the closets of my house, or they would play with me and my toys in the basement. My family knew I had imaginary friends; they just thought I was creative. The thing is I still remember seeing them and how they looked. After a while, I saw less and less of them and eventually I never saw them again.
Around this time, I also became aware of the "giants". I was very scared of them. When they came around, there was no calming me and my family thought it was just a fear or my imagination again. Now that I am older, I can better understand the giants and their presence. I know this sounds weird. The giants were presences that I could feel around me. They were big and dark presences. I could not see them like I could my imaginary friends. Instead, they were a feeling; more like a foggy manifestation than a person. There was more than one presence but one in particular I believe has come into and out of my life ever since. When the giants appeared, I immediately became fearful, nervous and panicky. They particularly manifested in the dining room of my house- the same room where I would play with my imaginary friends. When I was younger, the dark presences stayed away from me- by away, I mean they stayed along a wall or a distance from me. But as I got older- especially two years ago, the presence would be right next to me. Sometimes right next to my face; even when I was not alone. It felt like a dark, foggy sheet about to engulf me. This happened to me while I was seeing two different healers and a priest even. Only one healer could see the presence and it was not until it left or I "banished" it that she saw it leave. The other healer just saw my body position change and said she felt a change in the room. I do not know how I am "banishing" the presence, I think it just leaves.
As I got older, I began hearing things in my head. It was like conversations that I could not quite understand but I could hear. Like a radio or a TV going on in the back of my mind. Then I began to "feel" when something was going to happen or that something was wrong. Months before my father's sudden death, I "felt" there was something wrong and that I would lose him. When my sister was pregnant, I knew the sex of the child. These are not lucky guesses. Whenever I feel this strongly about something- it is like an urgency or like there is absolutely no uncertainty, it happens.
Sometimes random pictures will flash in my head. When I go to public places often times I will feel overwhelmed and even claustrophobic. I can feel energy pulsing from my fingers and toes throughout my body. I get panicky and upset. I have tried taking a number of medications: anti anxiety, anti depressants, anti seizure, adhd medications. I have had numerous tests, cat scans, blood tests, EKGs, EEGs, psychological testing, etc. I was diagnosed with depression at one point, anxiety another, another professional said I could be bi-polar, and I was diagnosed with adhd. The physical symptoms could not be concluded. I have yet to respond to any of the treatments given. A psychotherapist, a psychiatrist and a general practitioner are treating me. I have seen cardiologists and neurologists all to no avail. I have had episodes where I feel so overwhelmed I feel like a rush coming over me and then I pass out. I have been hospitalized a number of times and tested for the incidences when I've blacked out - the brain scans and heart monitor concluding normal function. I get sick often. I experience headaches and ultra sensitivity to light, sounds and touch. Temperatures will change around me and I can go from feeling ice cold to really hot in a matter of seconds.
Friends, family and even strangers will share with me their problems. Most of the time they just want to talk. In addition, strangers will tell me secrets. Also, I noticed I am a "toucher". When I talk to people, I touch them. Sometimes I get a feeling or maybe a reading from them. I do not really like people to touch me, though.
I feel like a sponge just absorbing emotions, fears, etc. I feel like I am crazy. I am afraid to admit what I experience for fear that I will be committed. Sometimes there is so much going on in my head and around me that I get to the point where I cannot even think.
When I get upset, I am overly upset and often times there is no reasoning with me.
I have noticed that when I am dozing or when I am relaxing, meditating, I notice the conversations in my head more. They never talk to me except recently; I heard my name called while I was waking up one morning.
Last year, I resolved to allow myself to let these feelings come to me instead of blocking them out. After that, I have been able to have some clarity and connection with more people, animals, nature and my emotions. Consequently, I began to receive "messages" in my mind for people. It is weird, but I will all of a sudden think or feel like I have to tell someone something. It will be insistent in my mind and even a sense of urgency. If the message comes to me while I am sleeping, I have to get up and write it down just so that I can go back to sleep otherwise that specific message will keep me awake. The messages are vague or something I do not understand and I have to tell the receiver that I know nothing more and that they should know what I am talking about. Everyone I have given the messages to seems to understand or know what I am talking about, and although most are grateful, I feel that some people are suspicious of me. This new level where I am getting messages is both troubling and scary. I am not trying to pry into people's business nor am I revealing something to someone they thought was a secret on purpose. This part is the least of my worries. Opening my mind has brought more sensitivity to emotions and I feel panicky, scared, agitated and upset more quickly.
I feel like I am going out of my mind. My inability to block, control or channel what is happening is severely affecting my life. I do not know what to do or who to turn to. I need help with the hypersensitivity. I am becoming more and more of a hermit because I do not like being in public places. I can feel so much energy (both positive and negative) that I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel so over stimulated with my surroundings that I become physically exhausted. I am baffled by how so many people are oblivious to what is going around them while I am so acutely aware it is difficult to carry on normally. Am I losing my mind? Is there anything I can to do help myself?
On a random note: I am sensitive to metals. I have a hard time with piercings- ears, belly button.
When I am anxious, I crave water- drinking it, being near it- but not in a pool, more rivers, streams. There is a lake near my house and when I feel especially upset or nervous, just being near the lake makes me feel better. I understand this could be because nature is calming. I just want to be as thorough as possible regarding my story.