I moved into my apartment about 5 months ago and after the first month I rented out the extra room to my current roommate. For some odd reason I could not seem to get comfortable in my apartment. It just never felt like "home".
During this time- my business has started to suffer, which is strange since the economy is actually improving now. I then started to feel depressed and more importantly- anxiety. Every morning, I would wake up feeling such a state of anxiety that I could not get out of bed. I felt weighed down in my bed and almost couldn't breathe. I felt like my problems were/are insurmountable. Even my Buddhist practice feels empty in this apartment. Before I started feeling this way, my roommate started to share with me about her depression. She has suffered it almost her whole life but it was seemingly worse.
My anxiety continued, and I couldn't sleep properly. I noticed that I was going out more because I didn't want to come home. Which in NYC means going to the local bar where I know everyone- and thus drinking more. So I thought perhaps my anxiety was due to being hung over. But some mornings when I wouldn't drink I found I had just as bad if not worse anxiety.
I then started to have suicidal thoughts and this scared me. So I went to the doctor and decided to get anti depressants. I figured perhaps I am just in a rut because I miss my old apartment (which I had on my own, when I was making more money before I opened my business and it had a nice yard, etc) and was feeling the pressure of owning a small business and being single never helps. SO I thought the anti-depressants would just help push me out.
The first week of the anti-depressants- obviously it hasn't quite hit your system yet, the suicidal thoughts continued. Namely I kept thinking about hanging myself. I kept to my Buddhist practice and tried to stay strong. On the 4th of July I thought I would have a party on my rooftop to help bring the fun we had at my old apartment into this new one. A guest arrived and asked if I saw what was going on downstairs- it appears someone had hung themselves in the empty building across the street. This totally shocked me. A few hours into the party- I decided to take a break before we got more into drinking and walk the dogs I was dog sitting. We went around the corner and I saw that almost all the police had gone. As I turned the corner, I saw someone standing behind the fence- I assumed it was a policeman taking down information - but as I moved my head I saw him. The noose, his head perched to the side. The image is forever ingrained in my head. I guess they could not remove the body for several hours for the investigators to go through everything.
I had been telling my best friend for a while that I felt something was wrong with the apartment. That I just couldn't get comfortable. He said I was crazy and it was the nicest apartment I have had thus far. A few days after the 4th, another friend came to visit me- she has also been suffering from depression but she felt it was amplified-- particularly her anxiety, when she'd wake up in my bed. She told this to my best friend who still thought it was just because we were going through a lot in our lives. We went out for my birthday and my best friend decided to end the night early because he had to work the next day. We decided to continue on with the celebration so we gave him the spare set of keys to stay at my apartment since it was closer to his job than his. And my friend visiting and I and a few others continued. The next day, he told me that he woke up at 4am and had a panic attack. He said it was so weird but he just couldn't find the bathroom door - although he was staring at it and started running around the apartment having a panic attack. He told me that day- that he now believes me and I should move.
I have never felt a "presence" or a ghost is there. I have never SEEN anything either. I have lit sage twice now, to no avail. I tried moving furniture around- nothing. I confronted my roommate about it and she said that she thought perhaps she brought the negative energy into this house. Then I remembered that I took over the lease for someone who broke it because they wanted to move early. I got in contact with them and one of the guys said that he just couldn't seem to get comfortable and that it was a strange stay for him and he understood what I meant by a strange vibe. The other roommate said he felt nothing but that his roommate (the one who felt the vibe) went almost nuts after 3 months as he was there all the time since he lost his job on the third day they moved in. And that he said he HAD TO GET OUT. He moved out before they broke the lease and the other roommate attempted to find other roommates. Nothing worked and after a few months- he just decided to break the lease. The girls before him ALSO broke the lease. They broke it apparently after one week. One of the roommates had an attack on her first night and was taken to the hospital. They claim it was because there was so much cat hair left from the tenants before that. They said they tried to do a professional cleaning a few times, but it wasn't enough and that she was so severely allergic to cats that she had to move.
I have decided to move at the end of August. Each night going home is a challenge. I don't want to be there, I cannot sleep and I battle every morning to get up and feel positive.
Has anyone experienced something like this before? Again- I do not feel a presence, I have not seen anything and I am not "scared" when I am there.
Thank you for any light you can shed on this...