This is super long and complicated, so I'm going to try to make it as short and easy as possible. I'm just confused and looking for help.
I've always been a logic/fact oriented person. I'm not religious (not enough evidence for me to believe) and am currently employed as a scientist. On the other hand, I've had unexplainable things happen to me from the time I was a little kid. I always dealt with these experiences by saying, "Huh, that was strange" and brushing them aside.
- I frequently know who is calling me when I hear my phone ring. It doesn't matter if it's someone I talk to regularly or a telemarketer-- I just know.
- I can be sitting beside a radio and know what song is being played on a certain station, even when the radio is turned off. I'll get really excited for my favorite songs and turn on the radio, knowing exactly what the song is. I've unintentionally freaked out quite a few people with this one.
- I've always gotten strong "vibes" from places and objects.
- I used to see a black man walking down the hallway of our house every night when I was 5 years old, which is especially peculiar because I lived in a predominantly white neighborhood and at age 5 my experiences with black people were extremely limited.
- Until I was 17, I used to get feelings that I was being watched when I was at home. My grandma died when I was 17 and all of the feelings completely vanished when she died. They started trickling back around age 20.
- Around 22, I got this crazy uneasy feeling at my parent's house that I wasn't only being watched-- I was being stared at. This is also around the time I started hearing footsteps in the house. I was physically touched a few times when I walked past the spot where the "person" was standing and staring at me.
- When I moved out of my parents house, I stopped feeling that presence. The presence never left their house though-- I feel it every time I go back.
I spent my life convincing myself that these things weren't happening because there was no scientific proof. I didn't want to ruin my reputation as a scientist because of a few silly coincidences and feelings. Then I went to Gettysburg and everything changed. In Gettysburg:
- I saw the same full body apparition 3 separate times in a room fully lit with no doors or windows and no way for her to leave without my knowing. Again, we stared at each other for 3 or 4 seconds before she disappeared. I can tell you exactly what she looked like down to her eye color. This wasn't in my hotel room or anything-- there is no possible way that it was a dream.
- I was physically touched again. This time, the touch left a hand print. The hand print was so distinct and easy to see that you could make out the fingers and the fact that it was somebody's left hand. I was sitting next to a stone wall when this happened, so nobody could have possibly touched me unless they were reaching through the stone wall.
- We went to a museum. I walked around with curiosity and interest until I saw this old coat. Standing in front of the old coat, I was so overwhelmed with heartache that I started to cry on the spot and I whispered "There are so many sad memories..." As soon as I walked away from the coat, I went back to feeling curious and interested in the museum.
I have to accept these things now. I would be an even worse scientist to claim that things didn't exist when the evidence is so clearly presented to me. Since I've accepted it, there's been good stuff and bad stuff happening:
- I play the lottery when I know I'm going to win. This sounds a lot cooler than it actually is-- it's only a few dollars every month or so. But I've never bought a losing ticket since I started accepting this.
- I'm getting good at telling people about current events before they happen. I told people that it wasn't a good idea to be driving a Toyota about a year before the recalls started. I knew Barak Obama would be president before he announced his candidacy.
- I've had the same emotional reaction that I had with the old coat when I was looking at old picture hanging up in an airport.
- I made it a year in my apartment before the feeling of somebody being there with me came back. I turned off my light before bed the other night and immediately knew I wasn't alone in the room. I said "Whoa..." out loud, grabbed my stuff, and moved to sleep on the couch because I was too sleepy to deal with it. The next morning, I accidentally slept through my alarm. When I realized how late it was, I flew off the couch and ran into the bedroom to get changed. A man's voice said, "Good morning," in an amused sort of way. I didn't have time to think about it.
So, if you've managed to read all that, my questions are:
1. Is there any way to make my life as a scientist compatible with the things that are happening to me? I'm afraid to talk about this with anyone because it might hurt my professional reputation.
2. How do I control it? It's gotten more prominent since I've started accepting it.
3. Is there any way to improve the good and block out the bad?
4. What IS it? Is it psychic, what? Can anyone recommend any books?
5. Is it genetic? My mom has similar experiences, except with numbers. She never talked about it to me before I told her about Gettysburg and asked her if she thought I was nuts.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to read this!