I feel so lost some days, disappointed that I haven't had any profound psychic realizations. All my moments are fleeting and unsure but I can feel it in my bones that I'm different. I look at people with curiosity, wondering why people do the things they do like simple things: wear fancy clothes, how and why people act is personally entertaining to me. Watching their interactions with others and then I snap out of it, worried that I might be developing some sort of God complex. The only thing that truly makes me feel at ease, like I actually belong here is my boyfriend, just thinking of him makes me sincerely happy. When we first met we had an instant connection, flirting, having fun. I had a vision of him in my mind. I was looking at myself in the mirror then I saw his face flash in my mind then back to mine, as if our faces had melding together. He was I and I was him. And now, I get this feeling like I'm where I'm suppose to be except somehow i'm not sure if I'm just stressed out about school now but things are different now and I don't know why. He agrees with me that I am different from most people. I believe in the best of people which is seen but seldom sought after. People just live their lives without thinking or pushing to be a better person only to be a successful person or because they feel like a bad person. No one strive to be the best kind of person just because and its this kind of openheartedness that makes me feel so different its not ignorance, its acceptance of openness. I honestly want the best for and from people but people just aren't like that now a days. I honestly don't know how I would take it if I were to ever accept or believe that goodness has gone from the world. I know there are always the skeptics but I honestly believe that the supernatural is more natural than the way we are living now. These are my truest thoughts I only share with people closest to me.
Those instances I mentioned. Let me explain those to you. I can heal people with my energy, when my boyfriend has a headache I comb my hands through his hair while I push energy out of my hands and he feels better almost immediately. Sometimes for no reason by body emits heat like a sauna. Now it usually is when I'm sleeping with my boyfriend so I duno but I remember one time I had a fever and my face was so hot I could feel heatwaves rolling off my face. Energy-wise I can manipulate my energy, play with it, use it as a shield. Its actually kind of interesting because when I expand it in a crowded area I always get a few extra inches around myself. I sense and see things all the time, its a pure uncontrolled feeling and I get a sense that as time continues on I get stronger. The idea of power scares me because I know what it does to people so I hope I never lose touch with myself. I just wish someone would come into my life, be my sensei lol and show me to control my...stuff. My mind is never at ease, Always existing, never belonging. Like I'm floating on the cusp of reality/humanity.
I try to ignore any senses at risk of it just being my own imagination, I am trying to protect myself and mymind from being swallowed up my this obsession, thing feeling that I can't seem to shake and sense I do exist, I have to keep mindful of the world I live in. You can see the risks I live with from my last relationship, I feel like somehow her energies or mental behaviors have someone transferred over to me. I could actually sense her mental stability, I sensed a "crazed" "unstable" feeling that I'm afraid has transferred or latched on to me. It makes sense somehow because I have sensed the relationships the people have as though it lingers in their energy, creating holes to their mind and soul. It could be true that their is an actual energetic connection between people that they share and perhaps this connection is between our minds. I still think of her too much than I would like to and I don't want to but she passed through my mind way too often and makes me feel guilty because i'm exclusively with my love now. Thank you for time.