I'm not incredibly young or naive. I'm not codependent or an overly frivolous person. I enjoy the company of men, for literally that, their company. I rarely date and have very limited sexual experience. Now it may seem weird to divulge all those intimate details of myself and 'who I am', or more correctly who I'm not. But as the title states, this is about guys, and my admittedly stupid actions of ignoring my own intuition. This story will kind of bounce around so be warned, to make things slightly less confusing without actually revealing to much of my life or the privacy of all concerned I will give my characters names differing from their real life ones.
To begin, about 10 years ago now I revealed to a guy I liked that I could feel what he was feeling needless to say he was a bit freaked out, but that explains my reluctance later in romantic affairs.
6-7 years ago I had just transferred to a new high school after a while I made an friends and became part of an incredibly tight knit group. The group has since mostly separated and fallen apart due to distance, time, and differing life situations but this is the past, and memories only grow dearer with the passage of time. In this group I made many friends who had claim to their various talents, I knew several with varying levels of psychic gifts. My best friend and I were close enough to communicate with each other without words or at least very few words, this confused many of our friends who wouldn't understand when we burst out laughing at one inside joke or another. My crush Liam, and her crush/boyfriend were also people whose thoughts we could hear, though they were never aware, (it was never a matter of intrusion of privacy, not on my part at least.) I simply could not block his thoughts, especially those involving myself. I knew a great part of him liked me but I never acted on it, not being able to bear the thought that if maybe somehow I was wrong, or his feelings would disappear once the 'thrill of the chase' as my Mom called it was gone. So yes, high school me was entirely a cowardly naive girl, and I admit it. Today he travels the world living out his dream of seeing other places, with a job he's good at. He is happy. Perhaps that reality would not be the same had we dated, perhaps it would, perhaps we wouldn't be friends or amicably keep in contact. I don't know fate's plans, no one does, it is not, even for the gifted, to be omnipotent. Besides without some mystery, some thrill life would be quite monotonous.
Now about 3 nearly 4 years ago, I entered college for the first time. Living in a dorm even though 'home' was only an hour away by car. I thought I was grown up. I met a guy, Kendall, still naive I hoped he wanted to be friends but he liked me. Instinct said "this isn't the one you'll be happy with" I ignored it to my detriment. A year and a half later I was out of school for low grades, (not because of my ex but he was part of the stress in my life. I resolved to never again date someone without knowing them well and I resolved that I would never load up with to many credits. My abilities had pretty much forsaken me, I didn't feel anyone else's emotions and I felt fairly empty.
For a year I remained single, successful in school, and for the most part happy. I was lonely still. I had transferred to a junior college. The friends I had were mostly at a larger campus north of me that I did not attend. Finally I had two classes at the larger campus and was able to hang out with some of my friends I soon met a guy, Seth, who attracted my attention. There was an undoubtable spark, but like with anything romantic I didn't pursue it. Soon I stayed late one night at campus, playing a game. A guy, friend of friends joined our group. His name, Jake. We got to flirting. Soon after he asked me on a date. Again we got together fairly quickly but nothing warned me against him. Soon it was apparent difference in personalities created blockages that made it difficult to have a good relationship. We broke up. Throughout the entire relationship he consciously blocked any psychic intrusion by me as well as everyone else. While I can understand others he wanted me to be open with him about what I thought and felt but I felt like he wasn't being open with me, the more I pulled away, the angrier and betrayed he felt. It just wasn't good.
Now single, after twice trying to work things out with Jake amounting to several months Seth and I are both single. There have been fleeting moments, where I catch what he's thinking. Once he thought "so cute" as I was saying something random that popped into my head. Another time he wished his (now ex) would be more affectionate like I was with Jake. My heart beats and my breath catches around him, we are and we aren't close at the same time. Physically we both seem to keep our distance, but then I'm much less affectionate with men than I ever was in high school, something about growing up I guess. Catching his thoughts doesn't make keeping distance easy. He's good friends to my ex and I'm good friends with his so at least until I'm satisfied that no hearts will be broken (insulted or angry I can handle) I'm keeping my distance. Occasionally I've wondered if he knows I catch some of his thoughts. Once when I said something that he may or may not have been about to say he started and questioned why I said it. I know the flow was good at the beginning of this and its kind of jumpy now. I just really needed to vent and release and since venting to anyone in the group would be a mistake I figured I would do it on here. If you've read this long, thank you! You're awesome!