I have a long, complicated story that I'm only beginning to understand. And, truth be told, I do wonder if I am going crazy. I am a man in his late-30s who is not supposed to feel or behave in the way that I am. I am married with a 10 year-old girl and I am worried that I may be on the verge of ruining many lives, so I have to get this all figured out. I love my wife dearly, and my daughter means more to me than anything in the world, so I must determine how best to proceed without destroying myself completely in the process. Please try your best to refrain from judgement. I already feel terrible.
I met who I now believe to be my Twin flame nearly 24 years ago in high school. At the time, I was extremely attracted to her, but was very shy when it came to talking to girls, so we knew each other only very superficially. Then she got a boyfriend, so I backed away, thinking I had no chance with her. I was very shy with very low self-esteem. Eventually, I became less shy, so I began dating many girls over many years, eventually marrying and having a child. I honestly did not think much about her for about 12 years after high school. Only the occasional incidental memory.
I also had a long brush with what I now think was a false (near) twin, which plays deeply into my story.
I became re-acquainted with my twin about 8 years-ago, when I saw her from a distance in the parking lot of the neighborhood grocery store. I was stopped in my tracks by her beauty. I saw her aura and it was a glowing golden green, like a scarab. I feel like I should say that this is FAR from a mere physical attraction- there was MUCH more to it. But I felt like I had to run away, for fear of giving myself away.
We were already friends on social media, but hadn't seen each other for around 12 years- other than the occasional like or comment, we had not interacted at all. She sent me a message the following day asking if it was me she saw and began to describe a physical draw, but said that she shouldn't say more for fear of angering her husband. It also turned out that we were also living just a few blocks away from one-another.
Since that day, we have bounced in and out of each-others' lives, always attempting to remain friends, chatting online when we were working late, having lunches near our birthdays (which are a week apart from one another). We talk to each other in a way that I can't talk to anyone else. It's a state of complete honesty, with us often filling in gaps to complete each others' thoughts. I told her that I often confused friendship for love and gave her a couple of examples. Later that day, she sent me a comic that described how we felt about each other perfectly. It spoke of "friend love," a platonic ideal with no jealousy of the other person's relationship status. We truly love each other, but, "not in that way." But there's a dark undertone to the comic. The narrator expresses this desire, but is clearly deluding themselves. One night when I couldn't sleep, I told her I didn't think we could be friends anymore. I was retreating because it was too much, and I told her so, but we always eventually drew back to one another.
Our social media output made it clear that we were often thinking about the same things at the same times. It could be eerie, and I think each of us were spooked from time-to-time. Only I actually spoke up about it and ran away. She often would just disappear from interacting with me as well, and I think I was aware of what she was doing. There was one time in particular that I provoked it by drawing her energy and putting it into direct conflict with the false twin I'll describe below.
The periods of separation can last a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or in one case a little over a year, but we always seem to wind up where we left off, with an unspoken compulsion to be around each other.
During one of these periods of separation, I began speaking with an old girlfriend in a similar way. We had unfinished business. This led me to believe that maybe I'd missed something, as I had with my twin. We'd spend hours talking, but it never flowed the same way as it does with my twin, but I became convinced that this one was somehow special as well. Our conversations had a similar feeling, but not as deep, or natural. There was also a push toward making things physical, which I resisted. Eventually, we met again in person, and I looked into her eyes and saw another being- not the soul I thought I'd been speaking with. I was terrified, so I ended communication, now only responding when spoken to.
Around the same time, I had a car crash that changed my life. This was about 3 years ago. It was a horrific T-Bone collision rollover accident that left me upside down in a car whose roof collapsed. I came out with a few cuts and some shoulder damage, but was otherwise unharmed. Nobody who witnessed it could believe it. From the way the car appeared, I would never have expected anyone to survive. Sometimes I question whether I actually did. This experience changed the way I saw things. I felt more in tune with the universe's energy.
More recently, I've begun to feel an increase in my empathic "system." I have no doubt whatsoever that I am able to read people's emotions, and often their thoughts. Sometimes it takes a while, but I find myself saying "I told you so," to myself a lot more often.
I had occasionally had prescient dreams before. These dreams would come sometimes years, sometimes months, and sometimes weeks within the actual event happening, and I could never really tell what they meant. What happens is that I am usually engaged in a mundane conversation, and huge sense of déjà vu envelops me. I know everything that is going to be said. I know the surroundings perfectly. Sometimes I try to alter the outcome by changing what I say or do, but I simply can't force myself to. These dreams usually begin coming true before a major event in my life. Since the car crash, they've become more and more frequent, and definitely more symbolically clear. I began being hit with a deluge of these dreams since around the beginning of the year. And it used to be I couldn't recognize the ones that would eventually come true. That is no longer the case. I can now easily identify them.
Since the crash, I've felt stupid in a way I'd never felt before. Like I didn't understand anything or anybody at all. I'm still literate, verbose, and can work with math, but I can't grasp the purpose of things as well anymore. Since the crash, I've tried to emanate as much positive energy as I possibly could, surrounding myself with music, art, and literature I'd long since neglected. I was feeling again. Symbolism gained new meaning to me. This reawakening has been ongoing for the past several years, reaching an apex for the past 6 months or so.
Around November of last year, I began feeling my twin's presence more directly. I knew from comments, likes, etc. On social media that we shared an affinity for a great many things, but at the same time, I felt like we were speaking directly to one-another. We had our first lunch in a long time, and it was so natural. Like nothing had changed. We spoke a lot about the challenges that we were facing, at work and in life, but somehow maintained a euphoric mood. There was definitely something going on.
About a month went by, and I realized that I thought that I loved her. More so than I've ever loved anyone in my life, with the exception of my daughter. I was falling in love with her. But there was something so very different about this. A 5th dimensional quality. I remember lying in bed with my wife, trying to think about what could happen from all of this. At the time, I'd been thinking that I had been changed, and I began to feel the presence of my twin more and more. Although nothing had been said, I felt like we were on an inevitable collision course. I remember telling myself out loud, "you can't put out that kind of energy for so long without expecting it to come back to you." I just wasn't 100% certain what that meant. I began to fear losing everything.
A couple of months went by and I felt like I was going crazier by the day. A childhood friend who had passed away several years ago was weighing heavily on my mind. When I found out he'd died, I happened to ask my Twin if she knew him. She replied that she'd dated him for a while. I never had any idea that those two even interacted with one another. I've associated them in my mind since, and I'm absolutely convinced that he was making his presence known to me to help me to proceed.
On the evening before Valentine's Day, I posted a photo of a movie that I was watching, which was a relatively obscure horror film. The next morning, I awoke to a message from her saying, "I love that you watched [the movie]. Seriously. Another Life." And then it went off. I began to understand why it felt so natural. This thing was actually bigger than this life. Then it began to get really weird.
One night, I was awoken at 1:11 AM to what I thought was a heart attack. I was sweating, my chest was pounding and filled with pain. My left arm was going numb. I felt like I was dying. Now, I'm a little too young and healthy for a heart attack to be likely, so I decided it was a panic attack. I'd never had one before, but I thought that was far more likely.
A few days later, I went to the same grocery store mentioned above, and there was a palpable positive, but nervous energy running through me. By the time I reached the door, I was shaking. And then I saw why. My Twin was there, selling girl scout cookies. She was turned away from me, so I slipped past, gathered my groceries, collected my thoughts, and prepared to put on my poker face and just say a friendly hello. By the time I got to where she was, with her back turned to me, I was shaking like a leaf. I swear I felt and even saw energy flowing around us, intertwining. It was overwhelming, so I turned around and hightailed it out of there, experiencing another full-blown panic attack while sitting in the parking lot.
I sent her a message that I was sorry I didn't say hello in case she'd seen me. She said she hadn't. We arranged to have lunch in March, and I was counting down the days, trying to play it cool. It happened again. We had the most open and honest conversation. Easy. Only this time, we touched a couple of third rails. We complained about our families (who we have always unspokenly treated as off-limits), and we looked into each others eyes for extended periods of time. We stayed longer than intended, and when we parted ways, we shared a hug. I felt and saw the energy flowing again, so I pulled back quickly and we went our separate ways.
Synchronicity began cropping up everywhere. My prescient dreams returned in greater frequency, and more clearly focused on my Twin. I mentioned getting a perm as a joke, as she was getting a perm. As I was writing a joke, she posted the same joke, which was in relation to something 30 years-old. Not exactly timely. We were listening to and posting the same songs. We were pretty clearly in the same headspace. But I feared that I was becoming too involved again. I was getting ready to run. I didn't want to hurt my family, and I just could not be certain that what I was feeling was reality.
Then, the strangest things started happening. As I was sitting by the pool in on a family vacation in New Orleans last month, about 50 yards from a 30 story office building, I looked up and saw something that looked like a piece of paper caught in the updraft of the HVAC system on the roof. I'd been thinking about her all day and trying to determine whether it was right to proceed or whether I should try to force myself to stop. So I looked up at the thing still caught in the updraft and I asked the universe to give me a sign. I said that if that piece of paper ended up in my hand, I'd know that something larger was at play and that I'd have no choice but to follow my heart where it leads me and I'd stop resisting. The paper started coming down. It blew about 40 yards to my right, and it looked like it was going to fall into a construction site, but it changed direction and headed toward me and landed about 20 feet to my right, just inside the hotel grounds. Didn't quite end up in my hand. But my daughter had seen me watching this thing, and she got up, went and picked it up and brought it to me. Set it in my hand. I sighed. Anyway, it was the package to a multimode fiber optic connector. Which either means nothing, or something about Internet communication, which was really the vast majority of the way we had been interacting. On this plane, at least.
I went to see a psychic later that evening. As I walked in and before I said anything at all, he told me that I entered with the spirit of a dead male friend. He asked my full name. He told me that I have to be open to the way things are and to not resist. He told me that I need to express my needs and desires fully and clearly. He said that I was carrying a huge amount of energy in the sacral and heart chakras. He had me drop coconut shells from which he divined. The first question he asked me was who the married woman down the block was. He told me not to worry. That my feelings were mirrored, but that I needed to be open. That the opportunity was coming very soon, and that if I don't express my creative and emotional urges, that it would be very damaging to my health.
Then the unexpected happened. Late one evening, I posted a screenshot of a song that I was playing called "Another Life," baiting her into liking it. The following day, she posted on of "The Dark End of the Street," then liked the one I'd posted. From that point, there was no turning back.
The next day was April Fools' Day. We both had to assure the other that we were not pulling an elaborate prank. We spent the next several days speaking online, texting, and slowly beginning to realize that something much, much bigger than what we had ever experienced was going on. We were reading each others' minds, we were sleeping together, but in separate houses. I could feel every move she made. However, we began to feel extremely anxious, both of us having more panic attacks.
I sent her a list of the things that showed the synchronicity that I'd been experiencing beyond the scope of coincidence. That night, we stayed up very late, our spouses both having fallen asleep on their respective couches. Our talk became intimate, but never dirty. We agreed to go to sleep. And then, we met on the astral plane. I have never experienced anything even remotely like what I did that night. She sent a message that confirmed we shared the same experience.
Ever since then, I've felt a dramatic shift in my energy. I believe that every description I've read of kundalini awakening is happening to me. I've truly begun a quest for a deeper meaning to all of this, and I want to get it under control.
The following day was Easter Sunday, and we arranged to meet later that evening, while we were both out for a run. When we met, we looked each other in the eyes, but I could sense a tremendous amount of fear in her. She was overwhelmed with emotion, but I was cooler about it. I felt safe and confident that this is what the universe wanted. But I had to respect where she was. We walked around for a bit, spoke about what had been transpiring. There were definitely two conversations happening at once, a telepathic one, and a verbal one. She said she needed space telepathically. We shared another hug, but again I held back on it. I did not want to envelop her with my energy. I had to give her the space she needed.
We didn't really speak after that. Just kind of wrapped things up by saying we should stop talking for a while. Until this last Saturday. It was my daughter's birthday party, and she had a few friends over to play games, watch movies, and eat pizza. When I went to go get the pizza, I stopped to get a haircut along the way, my mind completely filled with my Twin. While I was in the chair, I heard someone come in and felt the room fill with psychic energy. Someone said my name. I heard the voice, but I was trying to deny it. I couldn't bring myself to turn and look, so I asked who it was. She said her name. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Apparently, she'd taken her kids to all of the other hair cutters around and they were all booked. The energy was intense. The stylist could sense everything and even said, "I don't know what's going on, but it's big." I tried my best to get out as quickly as I could. I stumbled over the basic task of paying, but said goodbye and went back to my car. I sent her a text apologizing, saying I felt I'd caused it to happen. The following morning, I needed to wrap my head around the whole thing, so I went out for a walk in a little nature preserve. I was playing a song that contains the lyric, "Is it getting heavy?" and taking pictures of the dew-covered clover. I went to post it, and as I was doing so, the lyric repeated, and she posted a photo with a cat on her head, waking her up with the hashtag #heavy.
Two more days of silence.
Then yesterday, she sent me a message asking if the haircut place had made my list.
I still feel the profound change, and I'm not convinced that this experience is actually as I've interpreted it to be. I clearly have a lot to work on, but I just didn't know where to begin.