First, let me start with the very idea of posting on a public site like this scares the crap out of me. I don't like the idea of other people knowing about my abilities because of past experiences. To keep in honesty, I did lie about my state to keep anonymous. I wasn't searching for a site like this but somehow ended up on it. I am posting for a better understanding of my abilities and self. I've always felt different, like I didn't really fit in with other people no matter how much we liked the person each other were. After a long time of fighting it, I am finally accepting them. So here we go with some background... My abilities from childhood (my first memory) that I no longer have in full force:
Dreams- I have had dreams since I can remember that have come true. Everything from word for word conversations that happen in the near future to big events that happen further away.
Seeing hands- I would see two types of hands reach for me from under the bed (leading to me now having a mattress on the floor). One would be a shadow like hand reaching for my ankle and every time something bad would happen. The other looked like a grown mans hand and would have me so scared to get off the bed that I wouldn't move for hours. The mans hand always led to seeing something deadly in the news for the exact time and place where I had planned on going (bad car wrecks, train derailments, shootings, robberies without survivors).
Shadows- I would see shadows in the upper outside corner of my eye. If they were on the right then someone I knew was going to become really ill very soon. If they were on the left then someone I knew was going to die that day. If they were eye level or ground level they came with a different smell each time though I haven't figured out what they meant.
Voices- Usually, the voices would be someone near me and they would speak the same words moments after I heard them. Sometimes they would be the true motives of those people that I would find out later.
Feelings- I would feel everything someone was going threw. It was very draining and sometimes I had a hard time processing that they weren't MY feelings. My gut is spot on every time. I know instantly when I shouldn't be around a certain person or place. Oddly enough, the creepiest looking places don't scare me but I have seen a few places in nice neighborhoods that scare the crap out of me just walking by and not looking at it until later.
Pain- I would feel an energy going threw my hands to the person affected and somehow their pain would go away and I would feel it. I don't think it was a healing thing because the only thing that would happen is that I would feel their pain instead of them.
Electronics- When I would get properly angry or frightful electronics would blow. I am not talking actual blowing up, more like a light bulb or tv shorting out except it would be all electronics in the house. When I was a teenager I went threw 27 tv's (all brand new) and countless light bulbs and alarm clocks in just one year.
Violent people, children, and animals- For some reason all of these groups are attracted to me and feel a calming sensation around me.
Out of body- I would dream of going somewhere and doing something then see it on the news a day or so later. I would wake up with marks on my body from anything that hurt me there (bruises from hitting something and the like). When it starts I always feel like I am floating with a string or something tied to my right ankle. You know that feeling when the blankets are hanging down and not touching anything below? That's what I would feel right before leaving.
Talking- I would meet someone I've never met before and tell them things they needed to know without ever understanding why I said it. It would feel like someone else was talking threw my body and I was just a guest there.
Reading- I had a few friends that wanted me to tell them about their future. I would go into such detail that it could never be a fluke. After about three readings each they were so creeped out they stopped talking to me.
Numbers- The numbers 3 and 13 (and their dividends) rule everything around my life and abilities. I have no clue why but would like to find out.
Misc-I can feel and hear all forms of energy (very distracting); moods are based on water, moon phases, and nature; anyone that gets close to me personally dies (I work hard to prevent them from truly knowing me to prevent this, most accept my "mask" and don't die); knowing things I can't possibly know (academics); random things moving only when properly angry; I don't like groups of people but they seem to need to be near me; abilities only work when I'm happy; random scary noises; very high pain tolerance; I'm sure there is more I'm forgetting right now...
From the time when my mother was pregnant (first months before she knew what I was) to currently, old people and "crazy" people stop in their tracks and say she/you are more powerful then you know, you are stronger then you think, be careful and find the light. Others I believe to have abilities give me a wide berth when walking around me all the while staring. I have tried to get readings from "psychics" (not that I don't believe in them, I'm just not sure if these were real or just trying to rip people off) and they all refuse and look scared. When they refuse they all tell me the same thing "You have to make up your own mind and follow that path for better or worse". No one explained to me what was going on, just said it ran in the family and to keep my mouth shut. One of my uncles (married in, not blood) was a priest and tried several times without luck to "cast the evil spirits giving me abilities out". These things really scared the crap out of me when I was young. I thought they were evil (from said uncle). My mother tried from the time I was 6-18 to "bind" me with both wiccan and voodoo priests. It didn't work, only grew stronger, until I turned 18 and felt so depressed that I was numb. Some of it peeped threw over the years but didn't stay long until I became happy again. When I am happy I like to drown myself in music and that's when starts to come back, slowly but surely. On my 30th birthday (past year) it seemed like it was forcing itself threw again. I keep dreaming about conversations with people where their face is only a shadow and they tell me I am almost ready. The longer the conversation, the more people are there but I can never see their faces. I can however, make out every detail down to the last freckle of each person and meeting place. I can't be around certain people because it feels as if they were boosting my abilities into overdrive. Others feel like they are draining every bit of energy out of me. Ironically, the profession I have chosen for myself is in the medical field even though it is a very draining area on me. I feel almost a high helping other people feel better without being noticed. I have a really hard time accepting being noticed or giving eye contact. I feel like I can see completely threw someone when I give eye contact and fear they can do the same. Long story short... I would like to know what I am so I can read up on it, if it is good or bad, why psychics refuse to read me, did I close the door myself or was it from outside, can I get back what I lost, and how to control it. Thank you in advance for any insight given.