Ever since I was about 8 I've had a certain type of dreams. To be more precise, dreams that predict the future. I would be in a situation and I would remember that someone was going to say this or that, what thought I was going to have, how I would feel about it, where I was etc. Some call this Deja Reve, due to the similarities with Deja Vu.
During my teens all this basically disappeared. I didn't dream a lot (or I just didn't pay any attention to them) and I was not spiritually inclined at all.
At this point in my life I was picked on vigorously, as I was the youngest in class, I thought I had friends but they actually only used me as a doormat in order to make fun of me and be "popular".
I actively fought that both psychically and verbally, to little use unfortunately.
Skipping to my 18th life year, I was actively smoking weed (a lot) which is when something happened that destroyed my chances at being a "normal" 18 year old. Due to whatever reasons I had a psychosis. During which I was convinced the people around me where out to murder me.
I had therapy for 8 years in order to treat that.
There were times I was afraid to even leave my parents house, be outside, with other people or have social contact in general.
I contemplated killing myself so much I had lost count. Yet for some reason I didn't do it because I felt sorry for my parent if I did so.
Skip forward another 5 years. I met a girl, someone full of love and joy and vitality. Basically the complete opposite of me, yet in a lot of ways there were a lot of similarities, humor, type of movies we liked etc.
Unfortunately my trust issues started getting the better of me and I accused her of cheating. I just could not help myself. There was something in me, so insecure, so afraid of the world and losing the one thing which seemed to care about me that just couldn't bare to be without that.
Of course this led to a break up, which I did not see coming. Or so it would seem at the time. A few months before the relationship started to go down hill, I started having the Deja Reve's again. More intense then ever.
For someone who had a psychosis this tends to be quite the frightening experience. You already doubt reality and adding onto that you now seem to know things before they happen.
After the break-up the frequency of the Deja Reve's started to increase even more. Up to the point where I am now, having them about 2-3 times a month. Sometimes even 2-3 times a week.
This leads me up to where I am now. With a whole lot of questions, writing this "experience" down for others to read. I am doing this for a specific reason.
I no longer believe in free will. To me free will is an illusion, a grant illusion that causes more pain than happiness.
Why is it that I can dream of a future event and still have to pretend that I'm this being that is "in control". I'm not in control at all. I bet I even know what responses I'm going to get. But I'll only remember them when I read them. I probably already knew I would be writing all of this down as a cry for help.
I'm stuck. I'm stuck between these two belief systems. One which has the illusion of being in control and the other of being completely helpless.
I can't take this anymore. I've read about these kinds of abilites being a "gift from god" or whatever. It's not. It's a curse. Someone or something is insistent I driving me towards a buttload of pain.
Things I would never have chosen myself had I have had the "gift" of foresight.
Yet some part of me is steering me into these piles of cow dung quite happily it seems. Why? Why would anyone do that to themselves. I can't find any good reason for that at all. All of this is not making any sense what so ever.
I'm even contemplating ending it again. Why would I live at all if I'm don't have a shred of control over anything?
I mean if free will is obviously a lie, why do anything at all?