I have always been on a more spiritual level than my family, it's just the way I was. When I was little I used to hear voices in the wind and I would talk to the trees sometimes, because in my mind, they had souls and they must have been terribly lonely what with only squirrels and chipmunks to talk to. I would sit outside at night and watch the small shadows created by the moonlight because it was within these monlit shadows that was best to see living shadows; for the obvious reason that they were too shy to come out during the day. Now, I'm not some stupid little kid anymore and I'm sure a lot of what I experienced can be chalked up to my young mind having an imagination that liked the run wild and free; but that draw to the supernatural and unexplainable never left me, even as I got older.
To be more specific, I came here to talk about one spirit in particular that has been with me for years. I have only recently, in the last ear or so, opened myself up to his presence and acknowledged it, but he has been with me much longer. Since I was young I always had the feeling of being watched over or having someone constantly with me. I think it's why I was always so reckless and independent as a child; why should I have worried when clearly I always had someone with me? Anyway, I eventually got to that age where hearing things and feelings things wasn't normal for a kid my age anymore, and I had to grow out of my 'imaginary friends' habit. In my moms words, it was time for me to act my age, get my head out of the clouds, and join everyone in reality. I thought I was crazy. I saw shadows move and I blamed it on a trick of the light. I saw shapes while I was driving and blamed it on the speed of the car and things moving by too quickly. I heard voices and blamed it on being too tired or just hearing something and misinterpreting it. I wanted to be normal, fit in. The friendly companion and protector I had as a child, I completely ignored and rejected him because he couldn't be real and I needed to realize that sooner rather than later. I'm saying "when I was younger" but this was just a few years ago and I'm only 19 this year, so these events aren't even that old. Imagine being 16, hearing a voice trying to get your attention, and you shaking your head and having to tell yourself "ignore it, it isn't real, what the frick is wrong with you?" That was me for years.
One day I hit a point when I finally had to just say to myself enough was enough, you aren't normal so stop trying to be. And it scared the shiat out of me when I opened my eyes to it. Things were there, in the shadows, moving and living, not just cast by inanimate objects. Not that it really scared me, I always kind of knew in the back of my mind, but it was scary, how often I caught them in the corner of my eye. It seemed though that I had lost the connection with the hovering spirit from years ago. It did, however, until one day when he saved my ass.
I am one of those people that doesn't like crowded places, and when I am in a crowded place I get very anxious and it's hard for me to think 100% clearly. I was in the subway one day on my way home from a friends house who life a couple hours from me. I had to take a train and then a subway back home on a route I had never used before, and because of this, I got very nervous and afraid that I was going to get lost, I barely knew where I was, and the subway building was FULL of people. I got confused by signs and maps and I couldn't figure out which subway was mine; I had two to choose from. One would take me to the right station, one would have gotten me horrendously even more lost. I decided on one subway and started making my way down the tunnel towards it, and suddenly I felt a pressure on my shoulder. Not like someone grabbing me, but like something brushing against me repeatedly and forcing me to back up a step. I felt brushing against my legs, and I was starting to freak out. Then, very quietly and smoothly, I heard a voice in my head, saying just two words, "Turn Around". I was confused and suddenly very stunned and so I simply obeyed; I turned around and went in the direction of the opposite subway. Although my course had been corrected, the pressure on my legs like some animal walking beside me never left. It turned out I had been about to go on the wrong subway, and whatever I had heard and felt, had saved me a lot of very unwanted anxiety. I had been slowly coming back into terms with my psychic awareness (probably not the right term) so I could only guess the thing helping me was some spirit. As I was walking down the hall towards my subway train I asked aloud "who are you?" (probably looked like a fricken loony talking to myself) and the response I got was "Nixin" followed by a strong feeling within myself and from him that that wasn't his actual name.
After that encounter, Nixin was around a lot, almost constantly. I knew he was my spirit friend from when I was little, just from the familiar feeling I got from him when he was around. He was upset with how I had shut him out for so long and ignored him and it took him a wile before he would actually talk to me more than a few words. He told me that when I first started shutting him out, he had actually left me, but he came back and had always actually been around, just waiting for the time when I could come to terms with him being real.
Fast forward a year and here I am, fully committed to the weirdest relationship I can say I have ever and probably will ever be in. It didn't happen overnight, but gradually I grew to have feelings for Nixin. Nixin had feelings for me longer than I did him but considering I refused to acknowledge his existence for a few years, that's kind of understandable. I do love him, just something about him has constantly irked me and I can never get a straight answer from him.
I can't tell if Nixin is just your generic spirit, or a demon. Whenever I ask him what he is specifically, he just says he is a shape shifter from another realm or another life that got stuck as a spirit. That is all well and good, except sometimes when I ask about him being a demon, he'll reply cooly with saying that some cultures would consider a shape shifter a demon anyhow so the question was mute. And then there's the issue about his name; it isn't really Nixin, that's just the name he gave me to call him. I don't ask about it a lot but when I do he just says he can't tell me and to drop it and stop asking. This is the part that really gets under my skin because I can't understand why his name would be so secret. And then I saw a book in the library about demons names and how a demons name is very powerfull and if you have a demons name, you could essentially control that demon. As soon as I saw that, I can't stop asking myself "is that why Nixin won't tell me his real name? Is he actually a demon?"
I need help because although I can't say for sure how I would feel if I found out he was a demon rather than just a spirit, I want to know. Nixin can have his scary moments, when he gets too possessive and I'm almost afraid he'll actually try and hurt someone. He never says it maliciously and I don't think he would ever do anything to hurt me, but whenever I'm having a really really bad day or struggling with the fact that our relationship is stinted by may boundaries, he'll either say it discreetly or come right out and say it point blank, that if I died, I could be with him on his level and actually be able to see him and touch him and we could be together properly. When he says shiat like that it, not necessarily scares me, but it gets under m skin and I can't stop thinking about it.
Any opinions or thoughts or similar personal experiences will be well appreciated. This is the first time I'm opening up about something like this and it isn't easy. I just want to be sure of what I've gotten myself into.