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Dear Christian, I Love You


My boyfriend, love of my life died two months ago. I am so lost without him. I have often thought of going with him but I have a daughter I can't leave. I feel like my life is over, I can't ever imagine being with another and have found that all my male friends-really aren't friends at all. Each one tells me they understand and just want to comfort me. Within days they are making me feel as if they are giving me an ultimatum. I just want Christian back so badly, to lay my head on his chest as I once did amd feel his love. I sleep with his hoodie every night and it's losing his smell. I'm losing myself, everyone else is living their lives and I am standing still, as if in pergitory. From the moment we met we were inseparable, he was my best friend also. I still see my future with him in it, down to the rocking chairs as we enter old age. It breaks my heart that I will never be able to have that future. I was so lucky to have him, he loved me without question and I loved him the same, we struggled to be apart and regardless of what was going on around us, found each other over and over, never to get bored, less attracted. After 5 years I still looked at him and the love I felt overwhelmed me, we were meant to be together but for some reason that feels very unfair, he had a heart attack and died at 35. He was a UFC fighter, MMA trainer and appeared much healthier than 90% of the population. He did struggle with mental illness and it exacerbated this last year. He was so afraid of being known as the crazy guy. It hurt me to see him feel so down on himself. He started hearing voices and they increased in numbers and became so loud he struggled to have a conversation. The voices told him he was worthless and to hang himself. I spent many nights just letting him know I loved him no matter what and he meant the world to me. He poured water in his ear and slapped it as hard as he could to burst his eardrum to make the voices stop. He sometimes thought I was lying because I couldn't hear them to. I would have been with him to the end. I guess looking back I was with him to the end, what I meant though was to the end of OUR lives. I have struggled with my faith, but I now know I have to believe because if I don't I'll never see him again and my life is pointless if he isn't there when it's my time. Can someone please help me know this isn't the end, that we will be together again. I cannot bear the thought of any other man in my life or not seeing him in heaven. Please, I need to know I'll see him and once again lay next to him in my safe place. It hurts so bad, I don't know how I'm going to make it, I don't want to live or to wait all these years, I'm not strong enough and I have no support. It's not fair that I have to be here without him. I need proof he's here, I need a sign, I will not be afraid. Christian, please come to me. We spoke about it, how we'd give each other a sign that couldn't be denied for what it was, please remember, I need you, I am not okay without you.

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Comments about this clairvoyant experience

The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, Sendhimtome, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

Theatrewife (1 posts)
5 years ago (2019-02-01)
I to have lost the love of my life after 6 months of marriage. Life is very cruel at times and it is overwhelming at times. My husband has never left me he is just not here physically anymore. It took awhile for me to start noticing him be and the signs but I had to get some help for my grief to begin to heal. I will always have the scars of lost love but I am happy. He sends me signs in ways that just belongs to us. I know that he put a blessing on my new marriage. I got his message. I pray for his peace and I know he is there. Always watching always loving us. Please get help so you can find peace.
CrazyCat (3 stories) (74 posts)
6 years ago (2018-07-25)
I hope you find your way. What AnneV said is true. We get caught up in our grief and our subconscious to protect us from grief, creates a barrier. Perhaps, express yourself in words, write a diary. I'm sure you'll get a message from him soon.

It's not a 'goodbye',just a 'see you later'.
Sendhimtome (1 stories) (1 posts)
6 years ago (2018-07-25)
Thank you for your words, AnneV. I will try to do as you have mentioned. I sleep rarely and do not remember my dreams since his death, which I didn't realize until now. I still wake up hoping it was all just a bad dream. I very much believe he knew he was going to die, he reconciled with all just prior to passing and he told me just days before that he needed me to know that no matter what, he would love me forever. As much as I needed to have heard those words, it scared me because it felt as if he were saying goodbye forever. And he was. He also asked me if I was going to be okay while he was gone, to which I replied- what is going through your head right now Christian? You're scaring me. He was not going away on a trip and there were no plans that explained his statement.
AnneV (4 stories) (1064 posts) mod
6 years ago (2018-07-24)
Christian IS still with you. He sees and feels your loss. He will also make contact but until you slow down from your own grief and open up, you may not notice it. Try and and find comfort that not only is he still with you, but that you will connect again in the afterlife, if not sooner. Start paying attention to your dreams which is where most contact happens. Maximize sleep. If we don't stop and listen we won't hear. We get so caught up in the grief and the pain that we become a wall ourselves. Other realm communication is subtle. It won't blare at you like some tv. So quiet yourself, meditate and keep open for the signs. They will come.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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