My boyfriend, love of my life died two months ago. I am so lost without him. I have often thought of going with him but I have a daughter I can't leave. I feel like my life is over, I can't ever imagine being with another and have found that all my male friends-really aren't friends at all. Each one tells me they understand and just want to comfort me. Within days they are making me feel as if they are giving me an ultimatum. I just want Christian back so badly, to lay my head on his chest as I once did amd feel his love. I sleep with his hoodie every night and it's losing his smell. I'm losing myself, everyone else is living their lives and I am standing still, as if in pergitory. From the moment we met we were inseparable, he was my best friend also. I still see my future with him in it, down to the rocking chairs as we enter old age. It breaks my heart that I will never be able to have that future. I was so lucky to have him, he loved me without question and I loved him the same, we struggled to be apart and regardless of what was going on around us, found each other over and over, never to get bored, less attracted. After 5 years I still looked at him and the love I felt overwhelmed me, we were meant to be together but for some reason that feels very unfair, he had a heart attack and died at 35. He was a UFC fighter, MMA trainer and appeared much healthier than 90% of the population. He did struggle with mental illness and it exacerbated this last year. He was so afraid of being known as the crazy guy. It hurt me to see him feel so down on himself. He started hearing voices and they increased in numbers and became so loud he struggled to have a conversation. The voices told him he was worthless and to hang himself. I spent many nights just letting him know I loved him no matter what and he meant the world to me. He poured water in his ear and slapped it as hard as he could to burst his eardrum to make the voices stop. He sometimes thought I was lying because I couldn't hear them to. I would have been with him to the end. I guess looking back I was with him to the end, what I meant though was to the end of OUR lives. I have struggled with my faith, but I now know I have to believe because if I don't I'll never see him again and my life is pointless if he isn't there when it's my time. Can someone please help me know this isn't the end, that we will be together again. I cannot bear the thought of any other man in my life or not seeing him in heaven. Please, I need to know I'll see him and once again lay next to him in my safe place. It hurts so bad, I don't know how I'm going to make it, I don't want to live or to wait all these years, I'm not strong enough and I have no support. It's not fair that I have to be here without him. I need proof he's here, I need a sign, I will not be afraid. Christian, please come to me. We spoke about it, how we'd give each other a sign that couldn't be denied for what it was, please remember, I need you, I am not okay without you.
Dear Christian, I Love You
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