I'm writing with the intent of not so much finding answers to my questions, as possibly connecting to others who are having the same experiences. If you can relate to what I'm saying, I'd love to hear from you.
I've posted here before and have described the strange synchronicities I've been experiencing for a long time now. Previously I'd described the way I'd often find clocks synchronizing when I went into a room. For example, there was a computer with a hard drive LED that often blinked in perfect time with a clock on the wall. Also, I'd often find myself walking into rooms at the exact time a computer screen would be turning off, as a result of the power saver. I'd find myself getting up to do something at the exact time a timer on the stove I'd set 45 minutes started going off. And so on, and so forth.
Today the said computer is in computer heaven--it's no longer with us. And get this: the battery in the clock on the wall died when the hands on the clock were at 4:0:44. Today I see repeating numbers at a frequency of at least 1,000 times greater than what should be experienced as the result of pure coincidence.
I'd mentioned in my previous posts the fact that I was really coming to feel like I don't belong in this world. Today that feeling has been amplified many times over what it was a few years ago. I've come to know for a fact that I don't belong in this world, though I have no idea where I belong--I just know that I don't belong here.
My existence in this world can only be described as misery. I hate this world from the bottom of my heart. I see this world for what it is, and I see humans for what they are. This world is a realm of death and suffering, and humans are hands-down the number one cause of all the suffering.
If I had to rate this world, I'd give it 7/10 stars, if there were no humans. With humans, I can only give it a 0.
The thing is, though, that I'm the odd one out. I'm the freak, and I'm the alien. I'm the only person I know with such a disdain of this world. I can relate to philosophers like Schopenhauer, who had a similar hatred for this world. I can especially relate to the early Gnostics, who believed the creation of this world was a mistake. But I'm completely alone in my resentment at the fact that I'm stuck in this world, with only one way out.
Most people who know me well think there's something wrong with me, because I hate this world so much. I want no part in it and do my best to avoid taking part in it, in any way. I long for the day that my prison sentence in this world will end.
When you start examining human behavior, you realize that humans are no different than other animals. Humans breed, consume and play, like other mammals. In fairness, humans do some things that other animals don't do. Unlike other animals, humans kill their own by the millions; consider that in the 20th century alone 100 million humans died as the result of war. Unlike other animals, humans slaughter their own (like animals) by the millions, with the idea that they're doing some great service, like you see in the case of Hitler and Nazi Germany.
Meanwhile, as I'm busy hating the world, I'm seeing more and more synchronicity all the time. I see so much synchronicity that I don't even pay attention to it anymore. Sometimes it seems like I see more synchronicity when I'm the angriest, and most resentful.
I'm angry and resentful mostly because I'm so alone here. I have friends, but I don't have a friend in the world who understands me. I've gotten so tired of feeling as alien as I do that I've pushed a lot of my friends away. What's worse than being physically alone is being around other people who don't understand me; that's when I really feel alone.
Now days I see the numbers 42 and 43 a lot! You might recognize 42 as being the answer to the ultimate question in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". There were also 42 documents recovered in the Nag Hammadi library in Egypt in 1945. The Planck Constant, pertaining to the Big Bang and formation of the Universe, is 10 to the power of -43. Also, the Gospel of John, which is the only book in the Bible that doesn't make me cringe at least a few times, is the 43rd book in the bible.
What is the significance of the numbers 42 and 43? I can only guess, but if I had to guess I'd guess that it pertains to my interest in Gnosticism. The Planck constant (10 ^-43) pertains to the beginning of the Universe, in terms of mainstream science. The Gospel of John (the 43rd book in the Bible) opens by saying, "In the beginning...". Coincidence? I'll be damned if I know.
To give you an example of some synchronicity, I watched a video earlier today about a certain geographical location in the Vietnam War, known as Hill 943. It had 4.3k likes. So already I saw the number 43 twice, in both the title and the stats for the video. A few minutes into the video it was mentioned that 114 American troops were involved in this particular engagement. In case you aren't familiar with the Gospel of Thomas, there are 114 sayings/aphorisms in the Gospel of Thomas. Coincidence? Possibly, or possibility not.
Mostly I'm just rambling right now. I'm rambling right now because I'm so frustrated about being trapped on this hellhole known as "earth". For years now I've hoped I might come into contact with someone who shares my frustration. So I guess this post is an allegorical "message in a bottle". I'll toss it out, but I won't get my hopes up that anything will come of it.
If you're familiar with the dread and frustration plaguing me, I'd love to hear from you. And I'm talking about some industrial grade dread and frustration. I'd give anything to be anywhere besides this cockroach planet.
Thanks for reading.
When I was three I had baby keys and with determination I tried to open the door and leave to go where I actually belonged. Without even thinking as I grew older I told my mom I knew she wasn't the real one. Even looking at my hands often I know they don't look right, none of this is right. It's like I woke up in this new world in the middle of the one I was just on and now I'm stuck here. I've thought about getting out and so me and a friend attempted while I was fully conscious. Pushing and pulling my soul and consciousness to a place with energies that suited me. I've done it but have been pulled back down to this awful place every time. I've even died fully (by accident from choking on water) and saw the other side it looked normal but it felt much better like the energy was clean. I know this planet is not very clean energy-wise and the populous are too willful in ignoring the spiritual for material gain or waxing poetic about it without being serious. I've had all manner of "magical" and extraterrestrial things happening to me that helped base my thoughts on humans and the sad state of this planet. I don't find it a coincidence that I've always just known I'm the odd one out and I swear it's like humans can sense that and act differently. Since those experiences I feel like I can mask my difference better but it's so lonely. To meet with beings beyond this place and then to just be alone because a vast majority are just so low thinking. To see a different and functioning society and then come back to this dying one. It's depressing, it's lonely, it's sad.
It's an empty comfort to know that someone understands but if it helps...