I've suffered from the feeling of alienation throughout my life. I've never fit in. I've always known there's something very different about me, and that only becomes clearer, the older I get.
I'm 40 now, and the best way of describing my plight is in saying I don't belong here. Anymore I struggle to do the basic things, because I don't see the point. For a long time now my life has felt like a bad dream. Like one I just can't ever wake up from (ironically, my actual dreams are almost always happy).
I've said this before in previous posts, but I feel like I'm one of very few awake people in a world of sleepwalking automatons. It feels to me like people are becoming more automatic, too. And this is very distressful for me.
What is it about me that makes me so different? I've asked myself this question thousands of times. By now I've spent thousands of hours trying to figure this out. I've read many, many books, and I have made progress. I've figured some things out. I've at the very least eliminated some possibilities, though it's a grueling process. But I still feel like I'm eons from answering this question.
I'm very skeptical. I don't subscribe to many conspiracy theories. I'm capable of thinking very critically, and I almost always do. I believe there's a logical explanation for just about every mystery, and maybe this mystery has a logical explanation, but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is.
I'm posting in hopes of connecting with others who feel the same. My email address is whiskeydango at gmail. If anything I'm saying sounds familiar, feel free to send me a message.
I know this will sound arrogant, but the impression I get, from most people I talk to, is that "the lights are on but no one is home". Most people appear to be reading from scripts, or operating according to programming. It's like some element of authenticity is missing from them.
I've struggled with the notion that I may be different from everyone else in this respect. My skepticism, and tendency for critical thinking, makes me wonder if it isn't all in my head--if it isn't just some fantasy I've created to make myself feel special. But I don't think it is. In fact, I know it's not.
There's something really, really different about me. There's an awareness in me that causes me to experience consciousness through a much wider lens. It creates in me tremendous compassion for others, and especially animals. It's a constant knowledge, and appreciation of the vastness of the Universe, and of an intelligence at work.
It also allows me to know that bad things are coming here on planet earth. I've had what I'd describe as an intuition that major changes would be occurring in the world before I reached retirement age. Where most people are working and building their lives in anticipation of living out the American Dream, a few decades from now, something in me tells me that things aren't going to end up that way.
I've met for sure one, as many as three people who are like me in this respect. They're not exactly like me. Actually their self-descriptions probably wouldn't sound anything like mine, but there was a definite connection between us, and I had the very rare and definite feeling that I wasn't alone (I almost always feel alone).
Each of the people I met were women who had recovered from meth addictions. I'm not sure why that is. Two of them absolutely loved dogs (and so do I) and had amazing abilities with them.
The one I knew for sure was like me even made the remark one time, when she was mad at me, "I thought you were one of us." It really got my attention, and I asked her what she meant and she wouldn't tell me. I swear, she's like a character from a movie who pops in and drops a few clues, then leaves me scratching my head.
I've mentioned this before, but I experience a lot of synchronicity and strange phenomena related to time. I'll set a timer for 42 minutes, sit down, and get up from the chair at the exact moment it begins going off. Whenever two clocks are in the same room I find that, most of the time, they synchronize perfectly. I also have a real knack for walking back into rooms at the exact time computers are going into sleep modes. And I'm always looking at my phone at times like 3:14 (pi), 4:20 (cannabis), and lately 3:23 has been coming up. I don't know what's special about it, but I get the feeling that something is special about 3:23.
Last November I found myself compelled to begin acquiring knowledge. Up to that point I didn't do a lot of reading, but then all of a sudden I couldn't get enough. It was right after I started reading Carl Jung, and heard him mention synchronicity, that it began occurring to me. It was almost always in regard to new sources of knowledge. Someone would call me to work on their computer (I'm an IT specialist), and give me a book, or mention an author. One time I scribbled down a question in my notebook, and the very second I set my phone down, I saw something flash on my iphone, and it turned out to be the notification for a youtube video discussing the very same question I'd asked.
I know there's more going on than meets the eye. I actually believe that something is working with me, and maybe even trying to help me, but there are times that I get so down, because I feel completely alone in this world, and right now is one of those times. If you feel the same, feel free to send me a message at the address I mentioned above (whiskeydango at gmail).
I know this is getting long but there's one more thing I'd like to tell you about. Last evening I experienced a few hours of amazing clarity. I was in a mode where things were really making sense. I was laying in a hammock, and the temperature was in the lower 80s (around 32 degrees Celsius for those of you on the metric system), and the sky was nothing but blue.
I developed this kind of picture of my life in my mind. My life almost appeared to me as a series of frames, laid out one right after the other, in a way that I could see them all at once. What I could ascertain from this representation of my life was the fact that I'd definitely gone my own way. I could definitely see my life path veering off from the main path. I wondered why?
Then later on, I was sitting at a table outside, when a cat jumped up on the table in front of me. I petted her a while, then she let me know she was ready to be left alone, so I scooted my chair away from the table and watched her. I live in a very rural area where there isn't much noise from traffic or people. She was surveying the hillside, cocking her head left and right, and up and down. And I recognized the automatism in her. It dawned on me how much she resembled a robot, and how much most cats do, and how much most people, and all other living creatures do as well, for that matter.
Most of the animals and people I know seem to be only reacting to their environments. In this way their behavior is very mechanical, or automatic, or robot-like. Behavior in most living organisms is complex, with a lot nuances, but most behavior is completely reactionary. Make a loud noise and a cat will jump. Tell a funny joke and a person will laugh. And so on...
And I wondered, why should it be any other way? Why should living organisms do anything more than merely react to their environments? And more importantly, what would be happening in an organism who wasn't merely reacting to its environment?
Going back to the picture of my life, and the fact that my life has not only taken a very unusual path, but a very winding, and always-changing path. My life path hasn't been merely reactionary. I've said this before, but I've often had the strong sense that a spirit moves through me, or maybe moves me, or pushes me certain ways. Or maybe it's more of a force than a spirit, but it sure feels like something.
And getting back to the question, what would be happening in an organism (let's call it a person) who isn't simply reacting to his or her environment? Well, it seems pretty clear to me that some kind of non-physical spirit, or force, or entity, would have to be influencing them. A spirit, or force, or entity from the non-physical world would have to be acting upon them.
In other words, a person (or any other organism) can't be expected to be more than an automaton if their only influence comes from the physical world. A person can only be non-automatic in the physical world if they're being influenced by non-physical spirits, forces, entities, etc. Doesn't that make sense?
So, it seems that I've connected a few more dots in the mystery I'm trying to solve. But I still don't have any definite idea what's happening to me, or more importantly, why this is happening to me?
Why must I experience all this pain in being so different than almost all the people on this planet?
Feel free to drop me a line if you can relate.
All the best.