I want to start out by saying that ever since I was a small child, I remember having this feeling that I can't explain. My parents and grandparents have told me several stories about things I told them as a small child about seeing and talking to angels. I don't know if that is relevant, but I felt like I should mention it.
I can recall being a child and all of a sudden I would have an intense wave of sadness. My mother or whoever I was with when this feeling hit would ask me what was wrong and why I was sad. I never had a reason for it. When I say intense sadness, I mean utter despair. As a small child, that's a scary feeling. Especially when you don't know why you're feeling it. It would happen often.
As I got older, in my teens, I still got that feeling but not as frequently. The intensity was worse. It would hit me so hard and fast, I never knew it would be coming. As an adult now, I've been trying to understand this feeling and figure out exactly the cause. I haven't been able to pin down any certain things that happen before or after this feeling comes.
The best way that I know how to describe the emotion is that it feels like being homesick, in the worst way. I'm not homesick at all, I've lived in the same place my whole life. I've done my fair share of traveling also, and this feeling doesn't happen when I'm not home. I have never been able to accurately describe it and it frustrates me beyond belief. I just want to know what this feeling/emotion is.
I do believe that this is something different. It is not a feeling that I have ever been able to conjure or recreate. When I say it just happens out of nowhere, I mean it. The length of time that passes between when it starts and when it ends varies. Knowing that I can not recreate this feeling or make it happen on my own leads me to believe that it is something beyond my control. Beyond what I can see. I need help. I need to know what this is and why it happens. Please help!