everyone, for now I'm going to keep everything personal and just change the names of people and places. I've always struggled with what's real and what I'm just dreaming about. Here recently this year 2019, I was diagnosed with BPD (I don't know how it would help but I feel it's important). Yet I don't think it answers all my questions. I have been told a many of things when I try to explain and what I get the most is that I am an empath.
From a young age I've always seen glances of "things", I've heard my name being called and I've been completely alone, things will happen that I necessarily can not explain with rational explanations, I feel the moods of properties and people and not all are the best and it made working with delivering to houses hard. What gets me the most is these things escalate when I am in a good place in my life, I seem to notice everything happening. Last night about 11:30 I'm here, at my house, and a toy of my child's on a shelf is going off. It's a barn and you press buttons to make phrases and noises happen so it's a interactive toy. It keeps going through all the phrases and sometimes it doesn't stop and pause it just keeps making noises. I thought it was the air conditioning but it wasn't on during the time. It would make sense if there was someone else there but I was up by myself about 15-20 feet away from it. The more I ignored it the more it seemed almost louder? But you can't change its volume. I feel calm but very curious and I was trying to figure out what to do.
About 3 months maybe longer ago I experienced something I have never before. I started seeing bright white flashes, almost like a camera flash. It almost took my whole line of sight sometimes, didn't matter if the room was dark or broad day. Then that's when black mist-smoke started appearing as well... That is when I started having some fears because of how solid, tangent it felt. I felt fear immediately when I seen this black mist, it's almost like I couldn't control my emotions. The bright wouldn't scare me, more calm and wow that was amazing but why? I told my mother and seen a eye doctor and I was told my vision was perfect.
As I get older I put together these things and I sit and think about it because I want an answer. I live in a small town so there's no one near me that I can talk to about these things. I also live in the south where religion is everything, and I personally am not religious. I feel crazy and I can't put these thoughts together without help and the internet has not helped much.