I've posted here before and commented quite a bit as well. I don't want to repeat many of the things I said in a post I submitted a couple months ago. I'll tell you briefly that in that post, I talked about the feeling I've always had that there was something fundamentally different about me compared to most of the human race. All of the human race, to be honest.
I tend to be very empathic and good at reading and sensing people, and animals a lot of the time. I also have strange experiences related to time and what I'd describe as synchronicity. It never seems to mean anything. Instead, it just kind of pops up as a reminder to me that more is going on than I'm able to understand.
I see the humor in life more and more and there's a feeling within me that things are going to be okay in the end... That somehow I don't have anything to worry about, even though there are a lot of things in the world to be worried about right now.
There are a lot of things for me to be worried about. A lot of things in my life are out of order. Also, about a year ago I got involved in some political activism where I began publicly embarrassing a branch of the federal government that I used to work for. I did it mostly with memes and videos.
I cranked it up a notch a couple weeks ago and began another round. This time I'm really getting people mad at me. I made a meme of two of the county commissioners in the rural area I live in that was my best work ever. They were already pretty mad at me for some things I did last year, but I'm pretty sure they hate me now.
I wrote an essay today and recorded it (reading it aloud). I found myself getting pretty emotional when I was writing and reading it. And just about the time I was finishing the reading and recording of it, a horrible headache began setting in. This is strange because I rarely get headaches, unless they're the result of hangovers.
The essay is related to some things happening in the area I live in. It's a small community and therefore people tend to take the things that are happening more seriously than they would in areas where there's more anonymity.
I've already stirred the pot considerably with some of the things I've done. And I have a feeling that the essay that I just wrote is going to take things to a new level. I think that's why the headache set in.
It's a weird headache. It's a tension headache. It's actually more tension than pain, though this time there's enough tension to make me really uncomfortable. In the past these sort of tension headaches have always accompanied psychological breakthroughs, so I've always seen them as good things. When one comes on I generally know something good is about to happen to me.
I don't know what's going to happen to me now, but I have the very strong feeling that my life is about to change. I haven't put my essay on youtube yet. I think doing that tomorrow, like I'm planning, will change my life, and I'm not sure if it will be for the better. But it feels like something I need to do.
You know, I'm not necessarily sure that I believe in spirits, in the sense of entities present here among us. But more and more I have the sense that there's a spirit moving me, or flowing through me.
To most people I know I seem pretty odd. I'm a musician. I've written and recorded over 100 songs. I'm 40 now and I never really have grown up. I've never gotten married or had kids. What's funny is that I thought turning 40 might finally grow me up, but instead it feels like the spirit I mentioned before has really taken control of me. Mostly because I let it.
I started to recognize it a little over a year ago, when I began my political activism. I started making memes and realized that something else was present with me, and responsible for a lot of the material I was coming up with. They were over-the-top. And my music reached a new level too.
I began to recognize the presence of a sort of spirit in me, and I recognized that it had been there all along. I began thanking it for my creative inspiration. I began sort of talking to it, even though it never talked back.
My creative inspiration has always come and gone, and I've always really liked it when it was here and missed it when it was gone. And last year I began sort of praying to that spirit and inviting it to come back. I told it I would be happy to serve it; that I wanted to serve it.
I went through a phase of intense learning starting about last October, and ending a couple weeks ago. I read tons of CG Jung, PD Ouspensky, and all kinds of "New Thought Movement" material. I read occult literature, Christian Mysticism, theosophy, even some Satanic stuff for curiosity.
I found myself really able to relate to the spirit of the literature of the early 1900s, especially in Europe. Sometimes when I read it I get the strong feeling that I belong to that time period. I feel like a lot of the people of that era would understand me, where no one I've met so far in today's world ever has.
Then, about three weeks ago I got the very strong feeling that the spirit was returning to me. My creative spirit. And a week later I was back to my political activism, creating my best work ever, and really having an effect on the local scene here.
I've taken everything to a new level now, I think because I've learned how to basically let go and just let the spirit have its way. I don't try to restrain myself. I don't question myself. I simply just let whatever is trying to come out of me come out, unimpeded by me.
Also, this time it feels like the spirit is here to stay. Mostly because I've made room for it; like I'm now completely allowing it. Also, maybe like I've finally proven myself worthy of it. I've risked my own physical well-being for the greater good. And I think the essay I wrote and recorded today will somehow sort of initiate me into a sort of constant communion with that spirit, if that makes any sense.
I think another way of describing what I'm trying to say is that I've now gone all the way crazy. I'd been sitting at half-crazy for quite a while, and I actually wanted to go all the way crazy, because I recognized the disadvantage in only being half-crazy.
There have always been two sides at me at war with each other inside of me. One was the normal human side of me, and the other was the spirit, and they've always been in conflict with each other.
The spirit in me has always been so strong that I knew I could never get rid of it. And I never wanted to get rid of it. I've always really loved the spirit.
It's always been the human side of me that's caused me so much pain. I knew the human side of me would have to step aside to the spirit in me, and I think I've finally made that happen.
As to my reason for sharing this. I guess I wanted to share this because it's therapeutic for me to share my thoughts and experiences. That, and I'm always hoping to find someone who really understands me. Because, to this day, I've never met anyone who really does understand me.
I do come back here and check for comments and reply to comments, so feel free to drop me a line if anything I mentioned sounds similar to your story.
Thanks, and all the best!