I want to start by saying hi to everyone. I hope things are going well for all of you.
I found this forum by googling "I don't feel human". There was a post here by someone who mentioned their experiences, and the way they don't feel human, and even have a sort of longing to "go home". I really related to this person's story.
I've felt different my entire life, but the feeling of being almost a different species has become impossible to ignore in the last few years. I'm 40 and male, and I live on the west coast of the US, in a very rural area. I feel extremely out of place in the small town I live now, but I feel out of place among the human race in general.
I'm reluctant to tell other people this, because it can come across as my being arrogant or vain, but I feel like I'm one of very few people awake, in a world of sleep-walking automatons. I just don't understand how people can be so thoughtless and such slaves to consumerism (at least here in the first world).
This feeling of being so different and alien has become very painful for me. I have a very hard time relating to most people, because I don't care about the things they like to talk about. I believe there are a lot of troubling things occurring in the world now, and most people seem to want to ignore them--but I don't.
I've never done well with romantic relationships either, because I find it so hard to meet women who understand me, and can deal with me. I have a tremendous, almost super-human amount of energy, and my mind never tires. I'm too much for most people.
Right now I feel almost completely alone, with only one or two people I even care to talk to, and these people aren't all the way like me, in the way I'm describing.
I've always been extremely skeptical, and to be honest, it wasn't until very recently that I opened my mind to the possibility of psychic/paranormal phenomena. I've done a lot of research on the topic, and have done a lot of reading related to psychology, metaphysics, physics, and esoteric and occult teachings. I've found some great literature, though Carl Jung and PD Ouspensky have been my favorites.
My own strange experiences have been related to my sense of time, and the deep and sometimes overwhelming empathy I have for other people and animals, and along with that an intuition allowing me to sense things about people and animals (usually related to their emotions). All of these have become much more developed in the last year or so.
I started experiencing undeniable synchronicity a few months ago. I mean, too many of what appear to be coincidences to be pure chance. These periods of synchronicity seem to come and go, usually lasting a few days.
The largest number of my experiences are related to this intuitive sense of time I seem to have. Many mornings I cook brown rice, and set the timer for 43 minutes. Then I usually read while waiting for the rice to cook. I don't know how many times I've gotten up without thinking about it, and walked into the kitchen at the exact time the timer started going off.
Also, I spend a lot of time working on computers, and frequently go off to do something else. I'd say that two out of three times I return at the exact moment the computer monitor is going into power-saving mode.
I haven't worn a watch for years. I don't have to stick to a very tight schedule, so I'm usually not that concerned about the time. But I'd say that at least once a day I pick up my iphone to use it, when the time is either 3:14 (pi) or 4:20. I know that might sound funny, but it's rare for this not to happen at least once in a day (I am 420 friendly).
The strangest phenomenon related to time is when there are two clocks in the same room, for example a clock on the wall, and the timer on a microwave. Almost without fail anytime there are two clocks in the same room as me, the seconds synchronize perfectly. So each tick sounds at the exact time a number changes on the microwave timer.
Also, in another room there's a clock on the wall and a computer that stays on most of time (though the screen is often off). A red light on the computer that indicates hard-drive activity blinks as the result of some automated task the computer is doing, but I notice that this synchronizes with the clock on the wall as well, most of the time.
I don't watch much television, but Jeopardy is one of the few shows I watch. I find that if I don't think about it, I can generally tell when a contestant hits a "Double Jeopardy", the instant they call the clue.
A few days ago while watching Jeopardy a little chant popped into my head. It seemed funny, so I said it out-loud. Then, the next clue came up, and was essentially the same thing as the chant that popped into my head. Right down to the animal and what it was doing.
As far as empathy goes, I've always been highly empathic. I'm always aware of the tremendous suffering occurring in the world, and very bothered by it. I know that humans are responsible for the high majority of it, and I resent them for it as a result. There are times I outright hate the human race for the suffering it causes, mostly in its willful blindness and unconsciousness.
I've always been very good at sensing the emotions of other people and animals. Even as a kid I seemed to be able to tell what other people and animals were feeling. I never considered this to be the result of any psychic abilities; more just the above-average awareness I had. But I've had some experiences in the last few years that seemed a little more psychic or paranormal.
I met two women, one two years ago, and another one year ago, who were able to sense something about me, without my giving them any clues. I was in a bar each time, and I was about as happy as I ever get, since I was drinking and (had been) smoking weed. But even in such a state, each of these women were able to sense the sadness in me. Each of them tried to assure me that everything was going to be okay. They seemed to be very bothered by the sadness they could sense in me (even though I wasn't feeling it at the time). One of them even cried on my behalf, she was so bothered by what she could sense. And again, there was no outward reason for them to believe anything was wrong with me. I didn't feel at all sad at the time.
A few days ago I met up with someone I know who suffers from pretty severe mental illness, including debilitating depression. I'd been talking to him for quite a while, and I was naturally moved by our discussion. But then we went for a drive, and as he began to tell me a story, I felt something really strange, and bad happening inside of me. It was mostly in my stomach region. It was just a really, really bad feeling, and one I've never felt before.
I noticed at the same time that he appeared to be feeling better, and more than he had up to that point. It almost seemed as if I'd taken part of what he was feeling from him (though I didn't try to). It stuck with me for quite a while, but did eventually go away.
And finally, I have a very special way with dogs. I love dogs, and dogs love me. This will sound weird, but I get the sense that dogs were put on the earth for a special reason. It's a very strong sense or intuition that dogs in some way are almost carrying out a mission, or a duty, but they're suffering in doing so, and I feel that it's important for me to always remember this.
Anyway, my reason for sharing this (and sorry for the excessive length), is in hopes of finding other people like me, because honestly, I feel so alone and alien right now that I don't know what to do. I'm having a very difficult time even thinking about the future.
I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts or ideas you might have to offer.
Thanks, and all the best!