Today I went for acupuncture, and I went into a new room as I thought I was going to. I knew I was going to the middle room, though all the times I went there I would go into the left wing corner room... And once the right wing. I don't know why I had a feeling I would be going in that middle room, but just like my regular feelings, I just went with it.
Once inside the room, she of course asked the common courteous question of how have I been doing? I was silent at first and stared at her, I said not so well, we both laughed... We like to laugh when we show silence and frustration... It's nice. Another lady I had done multiple energy exchanges with was a person who did body dynamics or in that field so to speak. Something rubbed me the wrong way about her... I did not know what though. Back to the acupuncture lady, she asked me if the other lady had done anything to switch my energy to reverse the flow. I said it was probably just me. In all truth I was a bit unsure. But a bit lying too because I felt she had done something to me. And my instincts did not like it and the acupuncture lady seemed a bit worried. Though her facial expressions rarely ever showed it, only her eyes gave her away.
She stuck in the needles first in my hands, one in my middle finger left side, some on the medians, others on my legs and head, inside ears and so forth. We counted twenty three and laughed again. I felt pain though, not from the needles, but bruising... Not visible bruising. I didn't want to seem crazy and say that I felt bruised all over my body almost, but I did and she said it was from major lack of sleep, your muscles can't function right and they bruise on the inside so you really can't see anything outside. She left the room, I was looking up while lying on the table, my heart skipping beats every so often. I saw tire marks skidding across the road, sirens going off, a white car smashing the end of a blue modern family sized car.
Once out of the session, I had realized that what I had seen was more than real and I could then hear the sirens go off... It was like deja vu. I heard 5 sirens go off. That didn't startle me so much, as feeling almost betrayed as to someone switch your energy. I don't know how to explain it. I felt not safe around her *not the acupuncture lady*, though I wanted to trust her, in fact I almost thought they were ignorant in what they were doing.
The past few days my mind has been racing on things, one major thing was what my body has been doing to itself. It truth I don't know if I am scared... Or not all here. This chronic pain I feel is real, yet I pretend it is not, most days I barely have the energy to pretend to the world that I am bouncy like I once was, though I can still fool many many people. I think to myself, am I killing myself... Is my brain doing this... What is my energy doing, what am I doing to people, subconsciously how am I hurting them? I want to get better really bad, but at the same time, there is almost this unspoken oath in which I feel as if this is something I cannot get better at... A feeling. I want to pretend I do not feel this, yet just like my other feelings... It is true.
So, do I live with the pain knowing it will not go away? Or is this merely a game to me... And saying when do I press the button... And controlling other people's lives. These things I have thought deep about on for a while and it continues to taunt me yet at the same time not. Though we try to blind the world, we try to blind ourselves, we cannot blind everyone... And if you cannot blind everyone then it does not matter.