Even when I was little, my outlook on certain things seemed off. I preferred to stay in the presence of animals and nature, something about humans seemed too cruel to me. I always was able to feel a small pulse when I was outside, like the lie pulse of a heart beat. Though it came up from the ground. I felt at peace only when I was outside and indoors really bothered be for some reason. My family is strict in their faith and I knew if I was to mention anything of this sort they would quickly suggest that I was possessed. Afraid, I kept the things I felt and saw to myself. I would often almost see with my naked eye the wafts of energy around living things, could feel what they felt even though I have never talked to them in my life. It made me confused and scared. For the majority of my life I tried to ignore all these things, to shove them down deep and never speak of them.
I knew things that I shouldn't, when someone died in an area I could feel it. Feel the sorrow or the anger, being in cemeteries physically hurt from the over powering rush of sorrow. Of all the elements none spoke more to me than wind, though it was not my favorite of them all. As I grew I tried to work with fire, but it wasn't very compatible to me. It wasn't until I was in freshman year of high school that I realized I was able to connect and move the wind.
It was hot outside and I was forced into playing softball in gym class, I hated sports and the sun was unbearable that day. It had been a long time that I had really felt the earth but for some reason I seemed to be pulled into it. I felt myself seem to tie to everything. (At this point I knew nothing of chakras or anything of the like) I felt like part of me was reaching out and connecting with another force.
In my mind I could see the air as a mass, which I found out later was energy, I pulled it towards me. Watching it blow over the field and the students. Over my skin and smelling like summer flowers. I felt at peace again, like when I was a child. For the first few moments nothing happened and I chided myself eternally. Then right as I knew it I could hear the gentle whooshing sound. The scent of flowers picked up as a rush of wind swooped down around the field in the same manner I had envisioned. At first I thought it was coincidence. So for the duration of that class I kept repeating my little trick and it would follow through. I remember feeling lighthearted but tired at the same time. Though over time I had forgotten about that day.
It wasn't until a year later that things began to pick up with me again. The wind shifted when I was in a high state of emotions and without fail when I was extremely upset storms would come and rain down upon my town. I always wanted to go outside during these times, but was never allowed. I felt a connection when it happened. Like gentle waves lapping over me that soothed in a way I cannot explain. When I was able to sneak out, I would feel all my pain or anger leak away and was filled with new energy. Strong and pure. It made me feel lighter and cleaner and at those moments I felt powerful and correct.
That's when I decided to search more into this. I found several sights on the possibility of being psychic. Even had some of my friends let me test things out. I found out that all the shadows and whispers I felt and saw throughout my life were real, I wasn't crazy. I found out that I can take energy from things and give back. I could see it better the more I practiced. Though this also brought more confusion and more fear. Moving energy and creating energy balls and connecting to others energy fields was easy but I often doubted myself. It seemed the more energy I raised the more spirits would flock to me, I could see them as blurs and when I looked at them mentally I could see them with extreme clarity. My mother found my tarot deck in my room. I had only had it for around four months and it felt like it was another part of me.
My readings were creepy accurate with people I didn't know and when they would mentally ask them a question and I picked up on them. My mother of course threw them out and sat me down saying how the devil was trying to blind me with false gifts. At this point I had many encounters with negative and threatening spirits, her words made me feel as if I was calling demons to myself.
All the good I had felt in exploring this and myself vanished and I became very depressed. Yes, the things I saw and felt was scary at times but it also felt right to do what I did. Now, I am confused and it seems in my confusion and self doubt things are off the mark with things.
I don't know... I still sometimes feel like the same child back when I was little. Scared and lonely with an overbearing sense that I was different and there was something inside me that was great but I just can't reach it. Am I getting false gifts? Do I actually have these abilities? I feel like I do and tests I have done point in that direction. But I am afraid that I am wrong. I am not a spiritual person but my upbringing has lodged itself into my soul, even if it may be small. Who is right and who is wrong, is what I can do real or an I mistaken? There is so much doubt and confusion inside myself.