I ran into this site while I was doing some research about past lives, which I have done several times before, and thought that this would be a safe place to share some things that I have kept to myself for a long time. I might not be very clear or straight to the point here, as I am a little shaky even as I type even though I really don't know why, so please bear with me.
I am 17 and I have noticed some unexplainable emotions in myself since I was a kid. I used to go to social gatherings, private and public, with my parents. Often times during these events, I would suddenly get this strong sense of dislike. It's a very complex feeling. I don't know if I can explain it well but I'll try. It feels like I am sick of my position and my surrounding. I feel helpless, caged, and hollow. It is strange because I love these social gatherings and I love being around people. The suffocating feeling feels like a déjà vu. It is a terrible thing to endure and I always hope for it to end when it comes. But sometimes it gets so bad that I have to leave the room for fresh air... And then I will be fine. I would sometimes feel the same dislike toward family or parents, not exactly my current parents though. I don't know... I don't think this feeling stems from my present life and I see a pattern to it.
Another feeling that I would often get as a child is the feeling of detachment from my body. I can remember clearly several times when I feel as if I were the third person. The first time I got this feeling was when I was about 6 and I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror. I was looking at myself and then suddenly it felt like I was "out." I had thoughts like "this is not me...", "who is this kid?", etc. In a tone that didn't sound like a 6 year old. I still get this feeling sometimes but there is no more doubting about who I am but more of a curiosity to see how "I" will become. Nonetheless, I know very well that I am always same conscience. Just not necessarily agreeing with my current identity. If that makes sense at all.
Now that I am older, I don't get these feelings that much anymore. When I was little I could feel and see things more often... For example, I used to have a lot of dreams that would glimpses of future events and I think I was quite intuitive. I could feel and was more connected to some things that I don't remember now. Now I have mixed feelings about psychic experience or supernatural. Because I grew up in a science oriented family, I thought that I wanted to major in sciences. As a result, I took many advance science classes which made me, fearful? A part of me holds on to the belief that there is more than what we physically know and my soul does not doubt it at all but at the same time I am fearful that maybe there really isn't more to it.
Even though some feelings fade away as I grew older, certain ones grew stronger and stronger and it bothers me. I think that my soul cannot let go of the past. I have this burning longing inside me to dig my past out of myself. I don't know how to best explain this but basically, I can't help but keep on searching for things that would give me this sense of familiarity. I've noticed some behaviors, liking, and belief in myself that are just unexplainable considering my surrounding and current background... I would take hours and hours lingering on the internet or in the library just to search for pictures that would make me feel "home." Sometimes, I would become so obsessed with finding out more, but what exactly I don't know. I would sit and think and dig deep into myself because if I don't, I would feel so lost and empty. Basically for me, everything depends on feelings. I am very sensitive to feelings and this is my only indication to things like this. It's like trying to search for something when you are blind. Sometimes I think I pretty much have it but I just don't know anything concrete. I remember one time that I tried so hard that even though I felt that I was beginning to get hold of something, I felt extremely exhausted afterward and I felt asleep. When I woke up, it felt as if those memories have been locked even deeper.
Despite the fact I keep telling myself that I should stop doing this because if it is true that I did have past lives then whatever happened in the past should remain in the past but if I didn't then I am just wasting my time. But I find it so hard to not think about it because of these longings and because of the fact that I keep having similar dreams and emotions that I cannot get rid of. There is one theme that keeps on recurring every now and then in my dreams. It is always about getting away from family and from a marriage. I would always be running away from my family. I always have the same exact fear and hope as I try to escape. There is always a whole troop of people looking for me. There is a sense of hope as I would always be running to something or someone because I knew THAT was where I wanted to be. But I am always too far from that place and I can never outrun the searching party. I always end up having to hide (it's always my friend who helps and hides me) and having to disguise myself. In the end, I fail and get dragged back. The sense that I got is that everyone is surprised and doesn't understand why I suddenly disappeared because everyone thought I was happy (and I thought so too at first). My fiancé is supposedly to be extremely nice and much in love and I know that I was proud and excited to be betrothed... But the thing is that I couldn't get myself to go through with it. My heart would never allow me to go against it.
I get this same exact feeling of refusing and wanting to run away in real life too. I can't help but run away from someone who likes me. It's not even an emotional response, but it's almost a physical reaction. I cannot stand to be around the guy, whoever he is, and I would turn around and walk away or avoid any contact of any sort even if I try very hard not to do that. It's never the guy himself. I don't know what it is. I just can't seem to be close to anyone romantically because it feels as if my heart is full. There are very specific traits and characteristics that would attract me but I would end up having a "crush" on someone because of that trait but not really liking that person. But sometimes I feel as if the energy of a beloved one is pulling me. I don't know if anybody else around me would have these feelings and experiences but I am afraid to tell anyone because I know that people are just going to think that I am crazy... But everything just feels so real and often times I would have pains so sharp and deep that my whole body would cringe. I don't know where all these strong emotions and pains come from but I know it can't possibly come from my life now because I have a pretty pleasant life and I have never experienced anything that would give me these feelings.
I am not very sure what I am looking for by posting this up but I guess I have been trying to get all these out for a long time... That was a lot and I sincerely thank you whoever read this...:)