Thursday, August 18th, 2011
I just wanted to share a weird thing that happened. It was just before the thunderstorm.
I was dreaming, and it wasn't anything particularly interesting. Just some oddball dream I was having. I was moving things, I think I was moving into another house somewhere. What's important is that I wasn't upset, or sad, or angry, or anything. I don't remember much about the early parts of the dream.
In the part that is important, I was standing by (I guess) my bed (though nothing in the house was familiar), and I looked down at the ground and there was an area rug on the floor. It was all wrinkled and half under the bed and I thought "I'd better straighten that, or someone may trip" So I reached down and tugged it to straighten it, and this dark, furry monster-like being gave a loud screech and shot out from under the bed and out the door. It moved too fast to get a good look at it, and it was incredibly shrill and loud. I wasn't scared in my dream, though I admit, I probably should have been; it was a frightening sight. But I wasn't scared. I just calmly watched where it ran and said "that creature was my guilt manifesting itself".
Then I woke up. I thought it was strange, but just a weird turn of my dream. I looked at the clock, and it was just before 3 am. Then, I looked at the window, and I swear, I SWEAR I saw Kikusha.
~ (Quick history: Kikusha was my beautiful tortoiseshell cat. She had something wrong with her, because she puked constantly. It caused much fighting in the home because for a while I had to move back in with my parents until I got back on my feet financially. They didn't want her destroying their home, (understandable) so I was always arguing with them about her. They wanted me to have her put to sleep. I tried everything. I spent hundreds to thousands of dollars I didn't have at the vets to try to help her. (Which I'm still paying off in credit card debt). Trust me, if I could at least credit card the bill, I tried it. Even the vet agreed that nothing else I could do was within my budget (and I went to the top of the line vet for cats). So after one final argument, I couldn't take the fighting anymore and had her put down. I don't believe in regrets, but I have to say, I regret my decision. If I could have put up with 3 more months of arguing, she would still be alive and with me now (I moved out 3 months later). She was only 5 years old. Now I'm empathetic and therefore emotional to begin with, and I LOVE my cats. Cats are my favorite animals, and my passion. I learn about them, volunteer at the shelters for them, grow catnip and make toys to donate... I adore them, and they are my cause. So I am rather haunted by the fact that I betrayed my beautiful baby and had her put down. It's something I can't forgive myself for.) ~
It was a black silhouette of her, but her. She was sitting behind the fan on the dresser looking out the window at the oncoming storm. I had to rub my eyes, and look over and over, but sure enough it was her. She was moving her head back and forth, like she was watching something outside. Then finally, knowing it wasn't my eyes or imagination, I sat up in bed, while staring at it (her) the whole time. Only when I sat up did it fade into the normal shadows of the bedroom.
And to clarify, it wasn't one of my current cats. Trixy was sleeping on my head as usual, and Cheeto was in his usual place on the floor. (Plus, Cheeto is too fat to jump up on that high dresser anyway. He's a floor kitty).
I do feel a huge amount of guilt over Kikusha. I think about her all the time, but that night, I wasn't really thinking about it. And even if I had a nightmare that I connected to her why would I wake up and see her if she wasn't really there? I've had several nightmares where I saw her in the dream, but didn't wake to actually see her. This dream, she was not in at all, and it had nothing to do with her. That is why I find this visit so curious. I think she really was there, and I somehow knew it while I was sleeping. This then lead to me feeling guilt, which my subconscious then applied to my regularly boring dream, and in turn, woke me up to see her there.
Anyone have any other theories? I have very good vision, particularly good night vision, and I know I wasn't imagining this.
I also have read that our missing passed loved ones is what tends to keep them stuck in a lower plane, rather than them moving on to better things. I don't want her to be stuck anywhere due to my guilt and sadness, but at the same time, I don't know how to forgive myself for having her put down. She still had a long life ahead of her (theoretically). How can I come to terms with my decision to have her put down after never really knowing what was wrong with her to begin with?