To be honest I'm not sure how to start this. 'My Story' Seems strange on my tongue. Anyway, for as long as I can remember things I cannot explain have been a part of my life. Feelings I can't control, invisible friends that aren't so invisible to me, dreams that tell me the future.
On three occasions has my future dreams come true, right down the place, time, and people. For one dream: I wandered into the kitchen only to find that my Reese's Peanut Butter Cups have been (I had a king size, two were missing) eaten by my younger brother, I walked into the living room, confronted him, only to find out my father was the one who ate them. The next day I didn't give it much thought, I found in amusing. When I got home from school, dream forgotten, my mother went grocery shopping, she had gotten me a king size Reese's. A few hours later, the dream came true. Dad had eaten two of my Reese's. I told my mom about it and she did not have much to say, which left me feeling rather alone.
This is all I want to put, but that's not all that happens. For a while, I thought I was going insane to the point where I finally asked my mom if Schizophrenia was genetic and if there were others in our family that had it. It does not run in the family, too bad.
Too many times has a person wandered up to me and spilled their guts, told me what's going down. I thought it was because they were desperate. But four people I hardly know? That's a little strange, even by my standards. For example: a girl I hardly know, we shared a class, physical education. We never talked, I never even knew her name until one day, on the bus ride home I didn't know we shared until she plopped down next to me. She introduced herself and spilled the beans. Her mother tried to kill her, that's why she was staying at the Last Chance House for girls. I was shocked, floored. Why would someone's mother try to kill them? I was completely torn up from the guilt that I had a great mother, that I had a good life and that she had to suffer. For a week this went on, she told me everyday a bit more about herself until finally, the silver lining appeared. Her own teacher adopted her. I was glad, overjoyed that she had finally gotten the good family she deserved. And just like that, she stopped talking to me. Went back to her popular friends, her own way of life and never gave me a passing glance. It always happens, after I help them through the turmoil tugging them down, they drop me and move on. Leaving me to handle all their negative feelings that I just cannot throw out the window.
And commercials, movies, a song, a picture?! No 'normal' person cries for hours thinking about it, feeling those horrible feelings long after I've witnessed it. Feelings, ick, by now I've had enough of them and I'm only nineteen.
I can smell a liar from miles away, and when they lie to my face? This horrible feeling blossoms in my stomach and my heart feels heavy. Through my disappointment, I'll smile. I know why they lied, but it must have been enough of a reason to them.
What else goes on? Lots. I just don't know how to word it, type it and expect others to understand. Too many times have I been ridiculed and mocked for what I see, hear, smell, and for what I feel. That's only the tip of the iceberg.
I know this site doesn't cater to the paranormal, but spirits play in my life a lot more than they should. I don't just assume it's a ghost. I debunk, I try to recreate, and to usually no avail. Sudden rage takes over me, blinds me, and I snap at my harmless younger siblings. Or I'll feel extremely depressed and think of all the ways to end myself. Usually I do not think of things like that. If I am lucky, it will be a kind soul, simply wandering around the living plane. That is, if I am lucky. Such cruel entities are not permitted in the house. One thing I've noticed, is that they seem to appear more often when I'm sick, or are they making me sick?
Either way, they come and go, leaving me to dwell on their appearances, on their feelings, and wondering who they were and what they have done.
I've always wondered why strange things happen to me. Why I feel such rage hiding behind a smiling face, why I feel horrible sadness from some stranger in a suit at Walmart. After reading many of the articles on this site. It helps to know that I am not the only one.
I've told my friends what I see, what I feel. Between the fascination and shock, there is that horrible thing that I try to avoid. But somehow it slips through, and I do not know how to handle it. They glance at me differently, their whole demeanor changes, and I know. I feel like I'm some kind of circus bear to them. I turn a trick and stand on my paws. I hate it. I'm crying right now as I write this, this horrible realization that's dawned on me. I am a circus bear to many people, people I care so much about. I'm just some clown.
I feel all of this weight on my heart and I can't do anything to stop it. I didn't invite such things into my heart, but it will always be there, that doubt that no one will ever truly know me and accept me. I won't tell just anyone about my problems. I can't. Besides the thought that they will not believe me, there is that other thought of guilt of my own problems burdening them. Weighing them down in their own lives, I do not like being a burden, some monkey on someone's back.
But what am I to do? Nothing, I have to go on with my life as the people around me point and laugh while I carry the burden of their emotions around my neck with ghosts attached to my ankles.