I am a empath, and have been for as long as I can remember. Before I knew the word empath, I just called it other things. I was not a huge heath ledger fan, I've only seen him in a few films. I kind of picked up a sense of familiarity when I saw his face though. I just assumed he looked like someone I knew.
The morning he passed on, I was in terrible shape. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for some time mow, and had been able to cope until a few things over the past few years made my struggle so much harder. Almost unbearable at times. I've dealt with it by basically shutting myself off from people, I know it is an erroneous way to deal, but I've been a bit of a loner most of my life. Not too extreme though. I have a family, am married with 2 kids, and a couple friends. I just pick up so much energy, am so sensitive and a recent trauma has made me unbelievably overly-perceptive. I can't seem to tone it down.
The morning heath ledger died, I dropped my husband off at work, my son off at school, and my daughter at daycare. I came home, and just could not stop crying. It all came out like a waterfall, and I can usually hold back the waterworks pretty well for an empath... most of the time. Not this time. I went upstairs and laid in bed, under the covers, and continued crying, even more dramatically, (I felt so ashamed that I was crying so hard) and eventually began wondering if I would die soon, or if maybe people in my life wouldn't be so bad off if I did. I know, pretty depressing.
Then I felt for a moment as if I stopped breathing, a breathless state came over me and I realized how serious it would be if that happened. Then I fell asleep. I had recently been pondering whether or not to get on meds for depression/anxiety, despite a horrible history of bad reactions to them. I've used herbs and diet and exercise, music writing and singing as antidepressants. I know what I'm doing with the herbs, I've studied in many apprenticeships with talented well-known herbalists. I'd just been kind of slacking off a bit in keeping up with things.
Finally stopped my weeping, went downstairs to maybe do laundry or something. Went on my computer to check my emails, when I saw his face on msn with the title "heath ledger found dead".
I felt this cold shock come over me like a wind. I always just assumed he was an awesome guy. I read on about the circumstances, then I realized he may have been struggling as well. Whether his death was accidental or intentional, he helped me somehow. Reading about how many meds he'd been on rekindled my fervor for not taking them myself, but also made me wonder whether he knew what he was doing somehow. Whether consciously or not. I was on zoloft from the ages of 13-16, on and off, was prescribed them by a doctor my foster mother took me too. When I was allowed back home with my real mom, there was no supervision. I shared my pills with friends because taking half a pill got us drunk faster. Eventually I spiraled into a suicidal rage filled hole, that has taken me years to get out of. Occasionally I find those thoughts creeping back in, but gods, goddesses, gurus, and guides have prevented them from getting bad enough to cause too much worry.
I can't say I know what heath was struggling with in the weeks before his death or at the moment. But I also know I don't believe in coincidences... Especially when they have to do with death. Though I did not know the man, or even many of his films, I know he helped me. Even if he did not know it. I wish I could thank him, only wish we'd have met. Maybe we'd have been helpful to each other... I could have helped him with herbs and introduced him to healers and brought him to sweat lodges. He could have help me with getting my music recognized. I guess being so affected by his death, despite the fact that I barely knew he existed besides seeing him from time to time in films, forced me to accept that when I die, hopefully far from now, it will hurt a lot of people a great deal.
Whoever reads this, I'm being as bluntly honest as possible right now. I need to be. If you think I'm a nutball. So be it. I know what happened will never be forgotten.
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