I suppose a lot of people if not most come here with the same questions. Hoping for advice. For a little guidance. Answers. Reassurance that they haven't completely lost it. I'm here for the same.
Beginning from the beginning is always logical. But I'd prefer to begin from 3 days ago. When I really started to question things. And then I'll fill you on on the rest. I've been to a few psychics in my day. The first time I had my tarot read I was about 17. I've spoken with mediums in the past as well. And quite frankly I was underwhelmed with the outcomes. It's not that I didn't believe. Anything but. I tried to pick out things that they could have been right about but nothing was every significant enough for my jaw to drop in awe at the power of our energy to intertwine in such a way that the person sitting across from me could know me so well. Well, that was until this weekend. While on vacation I decided to have my palm read. The price she charged was unbeatable compared to the high rates I've encountered in the past and even though I kept refusing my boyfriend eventually persuaded me. As our session began she started to tell me little details of my life and my relationship down to my past career path in the medical field and suggesting a new one in a creative artistic realm. Which obviously you wouldn't know this but art has always been my passion but I never thought I was talented enough to do anything with. She knew of my baby. She knew that I am always there for others but when I'm in need I always feel alone and she doesn't understand why because I have such positive energy. She was aware apparently the fact that I have few friends. Hardly any real friends at all. Which you wouldn't know to look at me. There were other various little details she gave me that assured me she was real. Not someone making a mockery of the word psychic. But it's what happened towards the end that has stuck with me. She looked at me in the eyes and told me I'm gifted. And that I already knew that. But told me I actually need to start listening to my intuition.
Naturally, I was flattered. And I'd have never admitted it to anyone else. But I do know. Or I thought at least. But to have this stranger look me in the eye and confirm that there is something more to me just sent chills through me. I tried to tell my friends and family and pretty much everyone has shrugged it off and made me feel ridiculous. So I did some research on my own.
I happened across a page with a list of characteristics found in most gifted people. Love of animals, art, nature, music. Very sensitive. People pleased who'd do anything to avoid confrontation. Bouts of depression and anxiety. High sex drive. Unable to function well in large crowds. The list goes on and on. But this is me. All of it. I am all of those things and more.
I guess now is a good time to start from the beginning. From the beginning of me and not the story.
I remember when I was a small girl. I couldn't have been more than 7. We went for a visit to my grandmothers in Delaware. An old Victorian home. The bedroom we stayed in was on the secand floor. I woke up mid night to use the rest room. I walked from the doorway and stepped into the hall and there she was. A small woman. Short hair. Large glasses. She saw me. I saw her. I looked directly into her eyes and she was startled. Startled I saw her. She pressed her back against the wall into the shadows. Trying to hide? I've never been quite sure why she didn't just disappear. Needless to say I ran and hid in my bed without ever using the restroom. In the morning after speaking with my mother and her mother they confirmed that woman I saw sounded much like the woman who lived their prior to my grandmother.
A year or two goes by. We move to a new home. And something in me starts to change. I lay awake at night with my pink thrift store bought radio tucked between me and the wall. And I cry. I cry and cry and cry. Drowning in sorrow with the radio trying to sing me to sleep. And I'm eight. I'm only eight. Why with no reason did I cry so much? Years later I would be told I'm manic depressive. Schizoaffective. A multitude of things were the culprit behind my nightly sobbing according to doctors. In this home I never felt alone. I never felt safe. Kitchen cupboards would open and close. The refrigerator. I felt this energy over me at night while I would cry. So I'd sob even harder.
As I got older we moved a few more times. Til we settled in PA when I was 12. At this point my sobbing at night still was ritual. I changed from the radio to relaxation cd's. Sounds of the wolves. My favorite. I never told a soul about it though. I attempted to write a journal at one point back when I was about 9. I talked about how I felt like an alien around everyone else. I felt alone. And felt like I'd never fit in. My sister found it and read it to her friends. I was mortified and felt like more of an outcast.
In PA as a pre teen it became apparent I felt I didn't fit in. My clothes changed. My music my opiunion on religion and fascination with witchcraft, the universe, power in nature. All these things that were 'wrong' by societal standards felt so right to me. I rebelled still not knowing what was wrong with me. Not understanding why I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders for no reason. I thought I was a freak.
By age 20 I was abusing drugs and alcohol. My outer appearance calmed down a lot. I started to dabble in tarot reading. Using psychadelics often. I was never an expert at trot but did a lot of readings and was fAirly accurate. Had I known what I was doing I may have been able to help a lot more people. But then something in me snapped. Maybe it was the lsd or mushrooms. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm empathic as I've now come to know it but I developed the worst anxiety in groups. I felt outside of myself. I felt overwhelmed. Uncomfortable. I swear I could sense that other people were uncomfortAble. My anxiety and depression would shoot through the roof. I'd think I was hearing messages hidden in what others were saying. I'd try to decipher and understand what was being said. But I couldn't.
I started to date a guy at this time who was clinically insane. He was actually a very bad person. But I started to notice myself spinning into this crazy realm myself. The closer we got I could feel his anxiety in me. I knew the instant it went off in him as my body would tense up and my heart would race. For the longest time I thought it was me. But I know it was him. Since our breakup and distancing myself from him my level of 'clinically diagnosed crazy' has pretty much gone. I don't hear messages in other people's conversations. Birds aren't trying to talk with me. I can communicate with other people. And I've always thought somehow I was absorbing his thoughts, emotions, behaviors. But I thought maybe that made me crazy to even assume that.
I still find myself very uncomfortable in big groups. And I still feel as though as soon as someone around me's mood changes a dark cloud just fills my heart and I'm overwhelmed with anger, being uncomfortable, anxiety, depression. Even with my current boyfriend as soon as I notice a difference in my mood. That dark cloud weighing down my heart I know something is on his mind. Even though he will never admit it. You can tell by his personality change and that's how I know it's real.
Aside from seeing spirits and thinking I'm feeling other people's emotions my dad always told me when I was very little even how intuitive I am. I can remember listening. Tp a particular song with him when I was about 7. I can't remember the name but I am sure most of you have heard it. It goes "please to meet you, hope you guessed my name". If you don't know it, it's about the devil. And at age seven my dad asked me if I knew his name and I said the devil. I knew that was who it was about. And my dad was amazed. I've always known things. Simple things. Like how a movie would end even at a young age when a a psychological thriller was beyond my comprehension at the time. I was in gifted class for a long time because I was so smart withnno real effort ever put into it. I've never had an "aha" moment though where I knew something would happen. And if so there smAll. Like knowing what someone was lying about and specifics of the lies. Knowing that my boyfriend had a puppy waiting inside for me before I even walked in the door. Knowing that a scratch off ticket would be a winner every now and again. But like I said nothing major. I just get the idea in my head. The answer. And I know. But it all could be coincidence and not being fooled easily. I'm sure there are a dozen things I could have been right about but I doubt myself most of the time. As the psychic said.
So here I am now. Unsure if I'm crazy. Unsure if I'm gifted. Unsure if I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm some sort of special as an excuse for my insanity and inability to fit in and feel normal. And if I do have a gift what is it? How do I use it better. Develop it. Or am I being ridiculous. I'm here for answers. Opinions. Advice. Where do I go from here?