I was always an outsider, never had real friends, always was getting bored of life etc.
I am originally from Bulgaria but I grew up in Greece. My whole life was a mess and I ended up not being able to complete any of my dreams/wishes. Now I am almost 21 and live in the UK because I had nowhere else to go, in Greece things are awful.
I am currently studying in college and want to go to university to study English literature. But something is wrong with me, something never let me be at peace. Since childhood I had problem to connect with other children or make friends, because the other kids didn't like me, I was jinxing them. I was seeing things, most probably imagining things like, the wind talking to me, or dreaming about strange beings seeking help from me. As I grew up I started getting normal but something worse happened. Many times I can just feel that something bad is going to happen and as soon as I open my mouth to warn the people around me, this bad thing happens. Everyone tells me that these things are happening because I said they will but I don't believe it. Even if I say nothing they still happen.
Also I have really bad time sleeping (I get fall asleep but I never get enough rest because I never stop moving and talking). My partner is always complaining about me moving and talking nonsense in my sleep. And I always get to see the most strange dreams that just make no sense. But the worse is that some times I dream something and it happens. A night before my cousin died I dreamt about him telling me that he has to go to a big faraway travel but I shouldn't worry for him. One night I saw that I was sitting outside my grandmother's house and I was loosing a tooth, I was afraid but then she came out and she said that a new one will come out; I was telling her to put some shoes on but she said she won't need them and then we started flying together, I was feeling the sun and air so realistic, next evening my grandmother died. I discussed my dreams with my mother, because she is an astrologist and believes in such things, she was mad at me and never believed me for some reason. Also once I dreamt in Greece long time ago (I was keeping notebooks of my dreams for 2 years because they were too strange to ignore) that I was walking on a bridge (that I had never seen before, and the environment didn't look familiar) and there was a woman with a baby that waved at me, it was night and I felt so beautiful and peaceful. A year later I ended up going in England because of the Greek crisis, I was living on the riverside and I lived that exact scene I dreamt. I was working in a restaurant and the owner's wife had a baby. One evening I saw her the time I was crossing the bridge and then I remembered the dream and felt awkward.
I always keep feeling that something is missing from me. I have way too strong imagination and I always feel sad when I am not using it. I can't control my mind to focus on anything else. I can't study, I can't do anything I should be doing and I am afraid that if I don't learn how to control it, I will end up failing this year and I don't want that because, this is my access year to university. I am freaked out and scared, all this is creepy! Something is happening to me and my mind don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to go to see a doctor or psychologist because I am afraid of them. I have this fear of going near doctors, I am afraid of losing blood, every time someone tries to take blood from me my veins somehow just shut, once they tried 5 minutes without benign able to extract a single drop no matter how much I tried to relax. I always panic and I can only fix it with numbing cream.
My body is freaking me out, everything is wrong with it, is just not what is suppose to be. I try to be normal to act normal, to study, to make my dreams come true but there is always this thing that blocks me from being myself. I can never concentrate on anything and, I always keep on falling sick and everything in me is a mess. Yet I feel a huge amount of energy in me wanting out but something is blocking me, I always need something sweet to eat, I easily get exhausted, while as child I was energetic, I am changing a bad way. Something is just wrong with me, I can feel it but I have no idea what or why? Does anyone knows anything better? Is all this just my imagination? Can anyone help me please? What is wrong with me? Why now on that critical moment of my life?