My story begins in me not feeling like I belong in this world. Like I come from a whole other one. Of course, I feel many have felt this way, but at that time I felt like the only one. I don't really fit in with my peers, and have very small close relationships so far in my life. I began finding interest in spiritual areas these last three or so years. Discovering I felt I belonged underneath the moon and stars questioning life as a whole, than anywhere else in my life. I find the topics my generation find amusing to be more stupid than anything, and try studying others to figure out why humanity has come to be the way it is. I also like using tarot cards, reading my astrology horoscope, studying astrology (I am a Libra sun, and Pisces moon, moon signs mean to me a lot) and meditating (I forget a lot though, so not so often). I also light a lot of incense, and candles. I've been interesting in the Wicca religion, but have not looked into it enough to say I have any connection with it. I enjoy nature, and I feel a deep love for trees. This is me opening up to spirituality.
I often question life, and come up with theories often. I feel like there is something deeper going on, and am always thinking how strange it is to have a form, and to be able to think. Death scares me terribly, or at least, the one theory where it is all black, a deep nothing. This fear doesn't get to me unless I think about it though. I try thinking positive, and explore ideas I never thought I could.
The big area which I have experienced began when I was around the 11-13 age area. I was leaving my old house in the woods, and had a deep feeling in my chest. I could not explain it. I still can't explain it. Later, I tried focusing more on it. It seems to root deep in my chest. It developed into me feeling different feelings for different things. Like with some people, they give me different feelings. It is not only just people, but places, and times in my life. If I think about my past with feelings, I can remember and feel the feeling I had in that moment again. I have tried studying myself a lot. These feelings I cannot explain in words properly. I can only use terms like "sharp" or "calm" and stuff like that to describe them that seems right. It feels very spiritual than anything. Also, if I try imagining the feelings, I see a long line against black, and then depending on, it will go straight up and down, or tangle like string, or make a pattern, and looks like those heart monitors. It is very strange, and I was not really creating it, or thinking deep about it. It just seemed to form from the energy by itself. I don't really know what this is. But what really gets to me, is that I always remember these feelings, and can't really describe them. They can last on me for awhile, mostly because I don't want to let go of them. They mean something. I do have to focus sometimes to feel them though. Also, my dreams give me these weird explainable feelings every night, and when I wake up. Even without dreams.
I am extremely sensitive as well, and a lot of things upset me. I obsess over things in my mind. I was diagnosed with a mental disorder called bipolar as well. The most difficult thing for me, is getting used to people. As of this year I am closer to someone then I ever have been, and am terrified of getting hurt. It is also hard for me because I'm entering my spiritual journey, and this person, and people around me don't seem to connect with the spiritual parts. I try though, introducing it, and try accepting them. The person I'm close to, cares very deeply though, and this is good for me, also supporting my spiritual path. I crave talking about it though, and all of this kind of stuff.
I can't really think of anything else to say. I hope this isn't too scattered that it will be hard to understand. I am very new to this area of life, and am very curious in learning, and getting deeper involved. I feel for my bad emotional health, finding peace in my self, and getting into my spiritual self, will save me. Thank you for reading this. I am very curious what the feeling thing is.
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