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I Can't Seem To Let Go Of My Past Lives


This is normally an incredibly touchy subject for me. I've done quite a bit of research as well, and this is the site I've noticed has quite a bit regarding past lives, after running into it a couple times on my searches. I'm still a bit unsure of myself as I type this, so please bear with me.

When I was in middle school~early high school, I started getting into spiritual and psychic matters due to the sensitive nature of my general family. We've always been able to see spirits (though sometimes it skips a generation, weirdly enough), experience precognition, whether big or small, in dreams, among a few other things, but it was also around then that I started noticing odd things during my at-school yoga classes in P.E. After yoga sessions, we always had a 10 minute cooldown, sometimes longer depending on the length of the class period, and since I felt so relaxed from all that stretching and breathing, I took it upon myself to meditate during those times. Since I was also following various things I found on the internet about finding spirit guides, I had imagined myself a nice little mindscape area, like an autumn clearing with endless forest surrounding my tiny area marked off with stones. There was a stone bench in the middle, weathered with age. Normally, it was just me and me alone, but one particular time, someone was there waiting for me. In the moment that I walked up to him, I felt much different, not at all like myself, and yet we danced together. It took a while for my friends to wake me up so I could go to my next class, but that experience, dancing with the tall stranger, was probably what did it for me.

From that day on I began to have odd feelings, particularly when talking to my best friend, my closest friend - even though our relationship was just an internet friendship. Something like familiarity, like I was missing something important, or like I wanted to tell her something, but whatever it was kept slipping my mind. And eventually, we began having the same dreams. Not dreamwalking or sharing our dreams, more like having similar dreams with different perspectives. The details escape me, but we ended up learning through those experiences that we've been closely tied by our pasts, and that in all the different lives we've remembered together (at most, three, but there's only two we know quite a bit about), we've always been together. All of them, most likely, as lovers.

(Somewhere along the line, I also developed an odd friendship with a spirit I came in contact shortly after that, as well. My friend, him, and I spoke extensively, and eventually it came out as he was the younger brother of my friend from one of our previous lives. He's been with me for years as of the time I'm writing this, and even now he helps figure some things out about our past, although there's a lot of information he won't (can't?) divulge. I can admit that I think of him as separate from my past in an odd way, so I know his presence is helping rather than hindering me.)

I was left behind by her a long time ago, which normally would not have bothered me so much. Up until this point in my life, I've been slow to learn as much about my past lives as opposed to my friend, who seemed to have things come to her almost frequently. Mostly just little things. But now, it seems like things have been reversed. She's let go of her past lives and has gone on without me already, but it feels like my soul is stuck in the past, almost. Like a detachment from my body, in a way - I know it's me, but at the same time, it almost feels as if I'm not. I can't help searching for things, as well, that would give me that sense of familiarity, a sense of returning to a home I know no longer exists. Being a very rational and disillusioned person, I tell myself time and time again that I should leave the past behind and move on like any normal person would after a while, but it's almost like I physically can't. Each time I try, I get sudden dreams about the past, odd feelings, and it feels like my soul is saying 'no. There's still something you need to do.'

Eventually, it frustrates me in areas such as romance the most. I can never forget my former best friend's previous incarnations, because they're always the ones featured in my dreams and visions. I'll relive our young deaths in one, or a random memory in another - discovering something new, most of the time. More and more becomes uncovered when I make an effort to forget and go on, and although I'm very used to it by now, it's a major roadblock in becoming a better person in some ways, mostly emotionally. I cannot bring myself to love anyone else - all my attempts at doing so have ended up feeling pretend, because I just don't feel the same way as the other person might. No emotional or physical reactions, unless perhaps a person that catches my eye ends up exhibiting traits of those of my past. However, those don't last long, either. Depression is another thing - I've led a nice life so far, so there's no chance of my depression stemming from that... It usually all circles back to my previous lives. I've lost a lot too early in them, and while some of my odd behaviours and traits and such could also arguably stem from there as well, this seems to almost inhibit me from some emotional / physical in the present, as if my soul is still secretly mourning. Like it can't let go just yet. It causes me to feel as if I should only 'watch' in this life, like while I'm meant to experience, I'm also mostly here to just observe and piece things together. I can't get rid of any of this I feel.

I'm not sure what I'm asking with posting this, but at the very least, I'm glad I was able to get it off my chest and into the open. Some things I've said might not make sense a bit considering it is very early in the morning, but I thank sincerely those that have read what I had to say.

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