I have been through a lot. My entire family has really. I know lots of others deal with a great deal as well, but sometimes I feel like I am cursed.
Looking back I was always different. I think I might have some psychic or clairvoyant abilities. I might have even been around in a past life. For some reason, the late 1890s-1920s seem like home to me. One of my earliest memories was when I was a preschooler. I questioned why I was in this body. It was as if I knew I wasn't who I was supposed to be. I really cannot explain it. Basically, it was the way I was questioning beyond the inquisitive preschooler phase. I knew something was wrong or not right. I sense things at times. It can be just a feeling or seeing colors. I saw rainbow auras or something for the first time after my youngest brother died. Growing up I became afraid of a lot of things. I had very graphic and frightening nightmares all my life. Often these nightmares caused phobias to develop. For example, I was a fantastic swimmer. I had many nightmares of the water and soon could not enter a body of water past my knees without fear. Swimming pools are ok, but to this day I cannot swim in a natural body of water such as a lake. This is one of many, many examples. I had many vivid dreams of the end of the world and so much more. Funny thing is I never watched a single horror movie until recently (I am in my mid-forties now). I always just get this sense of a haunted area or some kind of energy. I have seen many, many apparitions and had way too many unexplained situations than I can count. I could go on forever with examples.
One time in a jealous rage I even wished bad thoughts on someone and at that moment they had an accident at our work place. Their production dump truck caught on fire. As a young parent, I thought religion would be the answer I needed (we grew up without any). I searched but never found what I was looking for. Two years ago I started to think that maybe I was a witch all this time. I am still learning, but this might be my fit.
A few nights ago my heart broke. A family issue made me think some serious things. I was awake, but my eyes were closed as I sat on my bed in utter despair. I saw (with my eyes closed) my soul leaving my body. It was blue and had white too. I went on a long nightmare, though awake, of hell and heaven, I even got to see my brothers. They were colors. One was blue and one was green, but I knew it was them. I knew they were ok. This all took place in a short amount of time but was very detailed. I have been single for over 15 years. I often worry about never finding love or meeting my soul mate. In this recent episode that I mentioned, I got a glimpse of who it is. Sadly they are no longer alive, but it made me cry real tears of joy when I saw him. Maybe we will meet again.
I have been told by others in my tribe (I am Native American) that I have a spirit of a little girl following me. Seems like 9 out of 10 of the places I lived seemed haunted. When my grandfather passed away I was asleep during the day (midnight shifts) and woke to my name being called. Not too much later I was notified he passed around that same time I woke. I lost both of my brothers and only siblings to suicide. I have tried many times myself. Maybe I brought something back with me? I am better these days but just started using cannabis edibles for my chronic pain. Sometimes I wonder if this is something that can let you experience stuff or is it just nonsense trips. For example, I cannot recall most of the details of an incident that took place when I was 18. I might have been sexually assaulted. I keep trying to figure it out in therapy. Sometimes I am convinced that for some reason I made up the events after the blank spot and where the memory comes back. Maybe nothing happened. About 2 weeks ago on my medical cannabis, I saw the events that were blocked or lost. Is this possible? It was yellow and blurry but I heard myself screaming and seen some of it.
The house I live in now is haunted (I was told by the previous owner). I have seen my share of things and experience quite a few things here. This is my most active residence so far. One night I saw three black shadows at the foot of my bed. I think that was my first sleep paralysis though I can't be certain. I knew they wanted me to be afraid, but I wasn't. The middle one came closer and closer trying to get me to react. I didn't. Suddenly it popped and the tiniest, clearest, brightest looking angel fluttered off. Did I help aid in a crossover? I have so many experiences and so few answers. I tend to be goth and dark in nature, but I believe in balance and being a Gemini I believe that if I don't keep myself balanced I will be too light or too dark. I have always been a loner and into vampires before they were cool. I am certain I am an empath. What other labels (just a joke) can I attach to myself so I can figure out who I am and where my abilities lie?
Since I had a lot of areas to cover I kept it as short as I could. If anyone wants to ask or talk in detail about anything else I am willing to share more.