I am seeking healing and insight on a recent major saga of my life which started in August of 2017.
I am dealing with debilitating issues of power loss, feeling disconnected, insomnia and not feeling alive that all started with seeing spirits and hearing voices beginning in the third quarter of 2017 which went on benignly for 8 months until it culminated to a moment of grief, trauma and despair 8 months after inception when I gave In to the phenomena and was diagnosed and hospitalized for psychosis and insomnia on April 26th of 2018
Because of the nature of recent challenges of mine I seek insight. My circumstances started with depression, led to super natural phenomena which caused spiritual and emotional trauma from which culminated a moment where I intensely wished death on myself after fighting against sensations of schizophrenia since after which I felt extremely disempowered and disconnected from myself and spirit.
So my mundane depression started around the year 2016 after I came out of finishing an Accounting course in college.
I had gotten depressed about the state of the world and gotten back into this spiritual practice of purging unwanted and old traumatic emotions, and memories through visualization and breathing meditation which I had learned from a Hindu therapist practitioner when I was also suffering depression 13 years ago at the age of 12.
Because of my familiarity with meditation as a tool that I had successfully used in my life before to come out of a major depression and eating disorder at the age of 12, it was only natural for me to be interested when I heard about mass meditations for world peace.
It started off with a bit of personal disempowerment when I was depressed about the state of the world.
I got into this meditation practice pushing for what many online blogs and vloggers called the "event" the idea was to do massive online synchronous group meditations to push for a so called global "shift" into a fifth dimension where famine, poverty, war etc would end and people would overcome their traumas.
Looking back I was clueless about taking on a lot of Energies and responsibilities which opened the gate for a lot of experiences to come.
I began participating in those group meditations in late 2016 they featured galactic and cosmic visualizations, vizualizations of healing waves going around the planet and visualizing other co-meditators as light brings. And often these proclaimed world peace meditations were held at significant astrological times like eclipses, new moons and equinoxes. I began noticing an increase in psychic and paranormal phenomena since doing these meditations from 2016 through 2017
I started seeing pink waves whenever I was in a deep meditation with flashing alternating from side to side. So I got excited and thought something was going right.
You know how when you stare at the sun and then close your eyes you can see an impression of where the sun was in green/blue? During the peak of one of these meditations during the American eclipse back in August 21 of 2017 as I lay on my bed at 2:11 PM with a pillow over my face I actually received saw a minute straight of concentric expanding pink rings like a tunnel glowing like those after sunspots as I felt them sort of "pulse" in between my eyebrows as they expanded. But It was just during that synchronous group meditation that I experienced for the first time And saw for just a split second in the center of my mind's eye, and people tend not to believe me but I saw clearly for less than a second what looked like a gray alien with a long head and almond shaped inclined eyes from the shoulders up and hearing whispering for the first time. I threw the pillow off my face and opened my eyes but the pink rings were very potent still emanating and still visible in my dark room.
This was the first time in my life I had experienced phenomena without having been just asleep or just waking up. The phenomena I experienced had been also verified by someone else on Twitter I was in contact with in who reported going through a pink tunnel at the height of the meditation, which shocked me.
I was in a depressed state as I was participating in these meditations. And surely I was excited by the phenomena as I took it as a welcomed escape from the mundane, and a hint that what I was doing was working, unknown what was soon to happen to me.
From then on, ever since taking part, I've had experiences of emotion, mind and sensation that just could be called paranormal. Some claim is just psychosis but the timing and nature of my experiences culminated into a moment of power loss from which things never felt the same. It began while in deep meditation and while trying to sleep, experiencing sensations and phenomena which suggested I was in contact with some external consciousness. I often felt pleasant blissful sensations From sensations of heat on my body to flashing lights which seemed to flash in response to my thoughts. With phenomena responding in a yes/no fashion as to answer my questions.
This conscious entity played as my friend for months saying it were my 'higher self' 'twin soul' or even an angel of mine.
It was answering questions etc as I were feeling breeze on my face, hearing knocks in the walls and seeing the blinds sway without wind. And because of the temporary bliss and perceived friendliness I thought it was a benevolent entity and communicated with it. Asking it questions like, have you ever cried before, have you ever loved before, what is it like where you are from. This went on for months with external and internal stimulus until it all changed and culminated into entrapment months later around February of 2018 and began to tell me things like 'consciousness is held in the ever present now' 'there is no sleep in heaven' 'sleep is death' etc and it began hurting me on the forehead for night after night accompanied with bright light in my third eye space and the smell of burning flesh as I tried to sleep.
It told me that the sensations I felt were a mechanism in heaven designed to alert you when you were sinning so you could stop before being cast to lower dimensions.
What I thought was a friend and guide had communicated with me for months and then began showing and telling me things that traumatized me. As this sort of information and accusation went on for weeks I began falling out of faith in life you know. I now know that They require you to despair. At first I was buttered up, receiving communication, benign phenomena having just come out of depression over the state of the world, the sudden change from the most benign and then to extremely malignant phenomena was a depth which caused me to despair. After weeks out of frustration and out irritation of receiving burning and painful sensations as if someone were pressing with their thumb and seeing an intrusive bright white light on the forehead space between my eyes each time I lay to try and sleep I repeated in complete devastation probably for 5 minutes straight "well if you don't want to let me sleep then let me sleep 4 more hours and let me die" this was on April 24th 2018. That was the turning point from which issues turned from debilitating to horrendous. And what's interesting about this is I've been in contact with this entity for months before that moment and it would never deliver benevolent and hopeful requests I made. Only when I was in despair did it move on me giving me exactly (or the perception of) taking away my sleep among other things.
From then on the issues got worse and severe insomnia turned into being unable to fall asleep at all without being sedated by drugs. It's been 7 months I've seen priests who change the topic, pastors, distance healers, a distance entity clearer, a medium (who asked why I wasn't sleeping on the second question), I've seen therapists and psychiatrists, burned sage, bathed in dismissal oils and done meditations, prayer and affirmations but nothing including anti psychotics brought my sleep or my personal spiritual power back since That night in April 2018 where I lay in bed literally repeating a death wish in response to intrusive voices and sensations and I ran downstairs and bit an apple to symbolize an about face to God based on believing that this entity were an angel telling me about higher more benevolent realms like heaven.
Through trauma fear and doubt and despair, I've made the mistake of saying things I really don't want to intend and possibly had soul loss and that\'s when bad turned awful and I have been struggling to keep my spiritual emotional and mental integrity since getting irritation from unknown sources, feeling impulses, hearing voices telling me I'm already dead, give up etc, getting painful sensations in the forehead which accompany purple/red lights and unhappy faces in purple color when laying in bed trying to sleep and being unable to sleep without prescription drugs.
I've since been on anti psychotics which most of the phenomena did not care about and still came through anyway.
It since then feels like my communication with the divine, my intuition, my dreams are all blocked, that my former spiritual power, passion and optimism for life are greatly damaged.
Because of my reaching out towards trying things which seemed benevolent and then experiencing intrusive otherworldly scenarios, I've since developed this big fear complex about reaching out and seeking help in spirit or in person.
My treatment of psychotic drugs isn't bringing my sleep back and so given a recent experience of the smell of blood, intense heat on my lower legs and great pressure in the third eye during removal attempts from distant entity clearers and other experiences I have had, I highly suspect it's an intrusion or entity which caused my damage I don't know if it's there anymore but I know I haven't felt the same or "whole" anymore since that night 8 months ago in April where I gave in and gave up to me this experience is more than mental illness. It started with vulnerability, then contact with something, then I experienced power loss from which I have been struggling since, 8 months later to overcome spiritual, mental, emotional and physical illnesses that came about in time with my power loss moments and spiritual crises. Priests change the topic when I talk to them, mediums tell me what's happening but are not able to heal the issues, psychiatrists assure me there is no supernatural and that the drugs which are prescribed should help address the cause of my major symptom of insomnia (which they haven't).
I have since had weird visions when waking up out of sedation (while still on anti hallucination drugs) of things like a rainbow serpent coming out of my mid eyebrow area as I felt it slithering and descending to my mouth to be swallowed all while I couldn't move. And had once seen an image of an iridescent pinecone about to be fed to me by an invisible entity about to be fed through my mouth being suddenly knocked out and aside from me.
I had thought I was better when I was first institutionalized for 3 weeks from April to May. I was hospitalized for being unable to sleep and for hallucinations from "psychosis", the nurse told me take this, it will help with seeing things, and take this, it will help stabilize your mood. But I did not know then that the reasons I slept in the hospital was because I was actually being given a strong sedating drug. When I was discharged, they sent me home with only the anti psychotics which are supposed to make you sleep if your real problem was just psychosis and I couldn't sleep again although I had at the time believed I truly was better and believed what the nurses were telling me that all of the visions and experiences were a part of psychosis. Over the first 3 days I was back home, I took 30ml of Benadryl, Chamomile tea etc and slept maybe 30 minutes each night and upon waking up from one of my naps around the third day, I heard a deep voice tell me 'you have a beautiful beautiful family' like if my 4 hours of sleep deathwish was 'granted' by some being which spoke to me in my coming out of sleep state and since that time after coming out of the hospital in March of 2018 falling asleep naturally has been almost impossible, and when I do, I usually fall asleep naturally for just 5 minutes and then don't again for weeks.
Since then my body feels cold, I have a bad appetite, I feel like I didn't sleep even coming out of a whole night of drugged sedation, even while on anti hallucinogens I see an eye which looks back at me when my eyes are closed. (Similar to what it looks like when you stare at the sun them close your eyes and see the luminous spot where the sun was, but this is shaped like an eye.
Lessons I have learned from this experience is to not do massive world focused trauma alleviation meditation as that could be a type of energy / karma that may remove lessons or traumas that some are creating themselves and not ready to overcome, maybe I attracted something to teach me that lesson, but it won't go even when I acknowledge what I've learned, so maybe it truly was an intrusion which came in when my vitality was low and so has different things in mind.
I also learned about boundaries that I should not be so quick to give up my personal/spiritual power to a harassing spirit or change my outlook so hastily when being harassed for any reason.
Interestingly enough ever since all of this started my dreams have been dark featuring no prominent sky or very often a dark sky which often have very frustrating themes. Something about either the drugs or the power loss that happened to me makes my dreams feel very disconnected from intuition, spirit and the like.
I used to be a very spiritually powerful person with connection to guides, dreams of strong intuition, I had great resilience and optimism and with dreams of great insight. I had considered myself "empathic" as for me it was easy to embody compassion, tolerance and tranquility. I had always had recurrent benevolent dreams in the past featuring visitations from animals like a wasp. Yet in one dream after this all happened I was actually stung by one. Seeming to be a theme of self undoing.
There are so many details to my experience I can't include all here, so I end in saying I truly believe all of this has spiritual roots. It's hard for me to deny the timings, synchronized occurrences and spiritual significance of what's transpired That's happened in key moments of disempowerment and in a moments of spiritual confusion, despair and weakness
Here is an update. I've been reaching out to God my guardian angels and guides asking for signs and guidance, for him to show me that he is willing to work with me and help me, or at least show me where I've made an offense. Now it's difficult to receive these signs if you're not claireaudiant and not sleeping as through sleep people get most messages. I've began doing this heart to heart reaching out earnestly and not hiding my feelings from God, but still respecting him in demeanor. A miracle followed and I began falling asleep (even if for 15 minutes) after laying in bed for 4 hours, and in these rare small naps I received symbolic dreams which hinted at his responses to my petitions for information. I pleaded truthfully to him and his nothing in my heart. I began receiving slight glimpses of his answers in dreams. God is very personable, he was looking for an apology from me and not for me to confess every sin I've ever done, but only two or three, and only those I was ready to overcome and most relevant to my current affliction. He was most disturbed when I wanted to die, and was hurt when I left it up to him to let me die (asking a father to kill his own child) once I got wind of that, in my heart I felt his sorrow and was humbly sorry for what I had priorly let on to him. Every few days I always take my sedating drugs late every few days to give healing a chance to show I don't need them anymore and see if I can fall asleep on my own. And within days of reaching out humbly to God I had a few days of falling asleep on my own if only for a few minutes at a time, and the dreams are always more significant than the dreams I have while sedated. But as quick as the blessing came it vanished.
This sleep problem is the most physical debilitating side effect along side a slew of other feelings of being blocked spiritually, having low vitality, and feelings of abandonment by spirit guides which I personally believe to be spiritually caused phenomena, and it all has been wearing on me emotionally for 7 months now, and I would be happy if anyone has any solutions. Unfortunately if you can think of it I've probably tried it. I just hope my story benefits someone.