I sincerely apologize if I should post this elsewhere, but I was unsure which category this really falls into as it's a combination of things. I'm in a state of utter desperation now. I am just hoping there is someone who can help me control/channel my visions...
I have had a lot of problems in my life, and attending long-term psychology therapy has enabled me to identify the issues behind my troubles. As a child I believe I was always aware of spirit presences, and lived in a house with a very strange aura. So strange in fact that many of my friends found it extremely 'spooky'. I saw the ghost of a man one evening in my parents' bedroom, a dark shadow of a man dressed in some kind of smart, classic style attire and wearing a top hat. At this time and continually until we moved out of the house, I experienced many feelings and was awoken several times during the night to the overpowering feeling of somebody sitting at the end of my bed or objects falling off shelves/chest of drawers etc. I have always wondered if one of the spirits was that of my late Grandfather (my dads' father) whom I never met. He died when my dad was 19 I believe, from a short cancer illness. Tragically, this was only a year after my Grandmother had died in mysterious/suspicious circumstances- her body was found in a river, and the coroner had ruled an open verdict. This is something my sister and I discovered many years later, when we found her death certificate.
Anyway, following the appearance of the mystery figure, I was extremely frightened and ran downstairs crying and told my parents. They simply laughed at me and I felt stupid and wondered if I was just being a kid with an overactive imagination. But the incidents following this one convinced me otherwise. However, I had nobody to talk to. I knew I couldn't say anything to my family for fear of being ridiculed, so I bottled it all up inside. I changed from a confident, fun-loving boy to a major introverted, painfully anxious and withdrawn teenager. I suffered depressive episodes and suffered from anorexia (never diagnosed, although I was 6 stone and 5"8-9ish for several years and got teased a lot at school. I began drinking heavily at the age of 14 to try and block out my 'psychic feelings' and the extremely powerful feeling of being observed by someone or something. This feeling has never gone away.
After suffering my 3rd major depressive episode (this time the worst) about 15 months ago following another failed relationship and the death of our beloved family dog, Toby. After his death there was a terrible dark feeling in the house (this not being the same house I had previously experienced so much. I had a trance-like vision a couple of months after his death, where I saw him in a lush green field full of sunshine and color with our previous Labrador (Toby was a Norfolk terrier), Heidi- who he loved hugely. She died a few years earlier. A couple of years after she died we had another dog, a rescue dog (lurcher) called Harry. Harry was deeply troubled for many months after Toby died, and would not sleep on his own. If he was left alone at night he would howl and dig up the carpet.
I knew the message from my vision was that he wanted to be freed to be with Heidi, not only for his sake but for the entire family's.
Interestingly, my sister was regularly attending sessions at a local spiritual church and she asked about Toby. She was told that his ashes must be removed from the place they were in the house. The night they were moved to the garage, Harry slept peacefully for perhaps the first time since Toby's death.
This was merely short-term, however, and the problems returned until I broke down and pleaded that we bury his ashes in the garden and give him a proper send off. Unbelievably my family agreed, as even my Mum felt his distressed presence regularly. Following the send-off things seemed much better, and we all felt an enormous sense of relief.
However, since then, I believe I have been opened up to something which is much greater than I could possibly ever have imagined. For many weeks I picked up on many messages on the news and strange coincidental events which kind of scared me a little. All the messages were linked to 'evil' and I have felt an overwhelming sensation of grief and human suffering, which has been absolutely heart breaking. A few weeks ago, the visions became so intense that I panicked and made a bad decision whereby I took an illegal drug (Ketamine- nasally). I am thoroughly ashamed. I had an intense out-of body experience whilst in my bed, and my parents and dog were all present. My parents were devastated, naturally, and I felt so much remorse. I was floating above my bed looking down at my crumpled body and the hunched figures of my parents, yet I couldn't get down to my body. What followed was an experience I will never forget. I was shown many things, first terrible, horrific events. I wasn't sure whether these were past events, present or future. They included an apocalyptic type typhoon in the East, a nuclear war between U.S and Russia, and unimaginable human suffering. My heart felt like it was bleeding to death. Then all of a sudden an incredibly bright light appeared and an illuminated figure who I couldn't make out appeared. I was able to communicate with him through my mind and I asked him 'Why?' The reply seemed to be that things in this world are not what they seem, and that we all have an urgent decision to make- to follow God's will or to reject it. I went on to ask about 9/11, and I was sent on another journey. What I saw shocked and frightened me... The people we are supposed to trust had tricked us. I still now (3 weeks on) know what I saw was true, and what I saw has been comprehensively backed up with research I have done since (on my own initiative, I have been careful not to allow myself to be influenced by rubbish on the internet, of which there is a great deal).
After this, I returned to my body from a set of gates where the bright light was. I was fully conscious and aware of things and my family around me. However, the house was an enormous dark, wet and cold stony walled building. I though I was dead, or at least when I closed my eyes- death was to follow. I eventually cried myself to sleep. Upon awaking the next day I looked out the window. Where before there was nothing but eerie darkness and frozen trees, there were birds EVERYWHERE and a beautiful clear sky. The sun was beaming down, and I felt so relieved.
In the weeks following this, however, my visions have continued (some occurring in trance-like states, others through amazingly vivid dreams) I have tried on many occasions to talk to my mum and sister about what I have been seeing, and they don't want to know. I know they are frightened, and don't believe me simply because I took this drug. But I have argued until blue in the face... I only took the drug because I was afraid, I wanted to banish these visions for good, especially as I had nobody to talk to about them. I have not felt any compulsion to take drugs or drink any alcohol since, until yesterday. The previous day my Mum broke down and said some things that will stay with me for the rest of my life. It became clear that I was blamed for everything bad that has happened within our family, and admittedly I guess I was. But nobody accepts that I have had my reasons- I am careful not to call them excuses, as they are not. So, yesterday, in a state of desperation I took the drug again- and a very similar experience ensued again. The horror was even worse this time, and much of what I have been 'seeing' now makes perfect, albeit harrowing sense.
I know I now have no chance of being understood at all. I do not wish, or have any inclination to take any illegal drug or get drunk through alcohol. I did what I did yesterday in retaliation and desperation, I am so sorry for it now. But I feel like I'm running out of options, and chances. My family is ashamed of me, as I am of myself for doing what I have done.
I just don't know who to go to help me with my experiences. It is ruining my life at the moment, and tearing my family further apart.
I pray to God, and I feel him with me sometimes... But I feel I desperately need a physical friend to talk to, who understands what I am going through, before it's too late.
Sorry for the essay, I didn't know how to keep this one short.