Last July 16, 2008, I dozed off while working on my computer. Then, I was awaken by a voice that said, "Look for me in the internet". For some reason, I immediately understood the "me" to be the boyfriend I had in 1972-1973, which was quite a long time ago.
Matter of factly, I looked for him in the internet. It was difficult to find him. It searched even until the wee hours in the morning. On the third day, I was brought to a site with around 7-8 pictures of someone who must be very sick. He was in a wheelchair and had this tube hanging on his neck, attended to by I presumed to be his wife, and had a couple of visitors. But I could not associate his face with my former boyfriend, so I continued my search.
Once in a while I would get back to that site and with my niece tried to discuss the story and discuss the sick man, too. Then, I thought about remembering some features of that old boyfriend and matching them with some features of this sick man in the wheelchair. Then, I came to the conclusion that this sick man and my former boyfriend were the same person. I left it at that. I thought that was over. I went to church and had a mass said for him as advised to me by my friends and relatives.
For some reason, I found myself in "discussion" in my mind with this former boyfriend who occurred while I was at work or just walking around. I discussed the "voice" with my office workers. They told me to have a mass again said for him. Perhaps, he was dead and would like some more prayers. I went to church again and had another mass said for him.
But the "mind" discussion continued. Then, one night (?), the voice told me to communicate with him? In my mind, I asked him how? I searched for his email in the internet but I couldn't find one. I went to the site of the sick man. I was brought to a list of email addresses of the members of the site. I randomly chose three email addresses. I told the recipients about this story. My emails were returned to my box as "error". In my mind, I told my boyfriend that I tried to communicate with him but to no avail. The voice instructed me to find his postal address in the internet.
I went to excite.com to search for his address. I found his name and his address, but there was a hitch. The man was only 54 years old, 5 years younger than what I thought was his age. So, I thought this couldn't be him. In any case, I was relieved. I didn't think I want to send him a letter by post. I thought it was over. I had to leave for another city to attend my high school's homecoming.
In the hotel, I found myself talking with the voice again. This time, he was more determined, and more insistent I should communicate with him or I might "regret" if I won't. I told the voice that I didn't know what to say and where to send it to. He said to send me a card. I told him what kind of card? A get well card? A sympathy card? A friendly card? What kind of card?
I went back to the computer and started to write the same story I wrote in those three emails that were returned to my box. I began my email with the words that I felt weird writing that letter and that I was not really sure what I was doing. I also said, that if my former boyfriend would not be well enough to read my letter to please whisper to him that "I forgive him for whatever it was that he did to me, and that I also asked forgiveness for whatever it was that I did to him a long, long time ago., that I had two masses already said for him and that if this letter would not make any sense to the receiver to throw it away or to please give me a response so I would know what was going on.
I went back to that site where I found his name. This time I thought it must be his correct address now. I found his age to be his possible correct age. He and his wife and children were living in New York. I was most surprised that when I was in New York for eight years, I did not even think of him. Even if I did, I thought I did not think I would write to him at all. I copied his address on my address book.
I went to a stationery store to find a card. I picked up a card about someone who had long suffered and that it was time for him to heal. I wrote his address on the envelope. The voice in my head wanted me to send it by fastest mail.
I went to the post office. The postal clerk told me that I had two choices, P750 which would take three days only or by airmail for only P120, which would take two weeks. In my mind, I told my former boyfriend that P750 was too expensive for a card that didn't make any sense to me. I sent it by airmail.
Two weeks later, I received an email from his wife telling me that her husband had been in comma since September, 2007, and that they were happily married for 24 years and that they had 3 children. His wife wrote that she was surprised with my letter and wouldn't have replied to it if not through the prodding of her children. I responded to the email and repeated the circumstances that led me to communicating with him/them and that I never met her husband during the last 24 years and wouldn't have recognized him if I met him in New York. I told her the story of my relationship with her husband. I told her what I could have done that must have hurt him in the past but I really couldn't remember anymore what wrong he did to me in the past, which would still matter now. I told his wife to please whisper to her husband just for the heck of it that "I am praying for him".
I don't know if the wife told him what I asked her to tell her husband.
That day, Saturday, his wife and children must have visited him at the hospital. The second email I received from his wife's email was to inform me that "he would not receive any medicine anymore". I emailed to his wife that I would have another mass said for him. A week after our last communication with his wife, his wife emailed me that her husband passed away. The family was now preparing for the funeral. I emailed a condolence letter. On my part, I thought the whole incident should now be over on my part. But to my dismay, the "story" continued.
I found myself having a discussion with him again. I was still helpless to stop. There was a time when I felt "he wanted me to join him". I was too tired mentally that at one time, I told him "to give me some more years as there were still other things I wanted to do". I discussed the matter with my cousins who advised me to pray for him and to light a candle for his soul. To date, I am no longer talking to a voice but I feel his presence hovering around me, especially when I am alone. But I don't feel scared. He now brings me memories of our past together, which I swear I could not have remembered without his help.
I want to move on now. I have done everything that I thought he wanted me to do. I had discussed the matter with two priests who both agreed with what I did for him. One priest told me to confront him, which I thought I already did. The other priest advised me to keep myself busy, which I thought I really am always busy. I am now going to church daily to bring the situation to God Himself.