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I Really Don't Know How To Explain It


First of all, I feel a bit out of place even posting this. Sometimes I think I am just a little bit crazy, and that my ex (that is relative to this) was just a little bit unusual. I have always had a feeling that is very hard to describe. Kind of like an itch on the edges of my subconscious. I get the feeling of someone looking over my shoulder when no one is there, I pick up quickly on people's emotions and can easily see through their masks they put on. People find it easy to talk to me and seem to share things with me that surprise even themselves. I have been told things that they will later say that they have never told anyone before in their lives.

I get gut feelings that work their way up and make my head tingle. My head tingle sometimes for no reason - no intoxication of any kind, no headache, just a feeling. I have always grown up wanting to be on the outskirts of large groups, feeling overwhelmed when I am the center of attention. Almost like all their energy is coming at me at once.

Then there was my last girlfriend. She had a gift. She had studied various crafts as a teenager and could manipulate her energy, see people's auras, and was very perceptive to the world around her. She would often tell me that my energy overwhelmed her, that I would cause her to "short-circuit" Other times, during the night, she would need me to hold her close so that she would stay grounded in the physical world. She would tell me that no one else was ever able to keep her grounded.

A lot of this made sense to me and still does. But I never fully understood everything. I know I have an energy inside of me, almost screaming to come out. Sometimes I feel the pressure of it wanting to make me just scream, and for no real reason. No outside influence; I am sometimes home alone and get the incredible urge to want to explode.

I recently decided to channel this energy into the physical world by training for a triathlon. I swim, bike or run 6 days a week. I physically exhaust myself to allow me to sleep. It mostly works except on that 7th day, when I get more antsy than ever.

I'm not on drugs. I don't smoke. I don't drink excessively. I can maintain a "normal" life. But when I am alone, with no distractions, I feel like I am losing my mind.

I need some advice, guidance, or anything. I don't know if this is anything other than me just being - well, me. I know I can be a bit weird. And I am currently 26 years old. This has been going on for a good decade. I have had various coping mechanisms throughout the years, but I am getting worn down. Sometimes I get to the point where I want it to stop, and used to come so close to jumping off the edge it's scary. Somehow I have always kept myself from doing it, with only 1 real attempt at ending it all when I was 22. It failed (obviously).

I scare myself sometimes with the thoughts and urges that go through my head. When I was with my ex, she kept me sane because I was always trying to help her with her own insanity (don't know if that is the right word for it). Now that we are no longer together I feel it all coming back to me. I feel like I am standing at the entrance to a dark alley. An alley I must pass through. Where there is something at the end I must get to. But I don't know what it is, or what is waiting for me.

More than anything, I think I really need a guide. Someone who understands what cannot be seen, and cannot be explained, but what we all know is there. Anyone who can help me?

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Comments about this clairvoyant experience

The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, taller1, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

Xameous (1 posts)
9 years ago (2013-03-22)
Hi, my name is Joseph I'm 19 and I don't know why but I feel like I was drawn to this page... I've experienced all the things you have.
However this has been going on since I was 14, and I'm not exactly sure how I got it in my head... I for some reason Thought that I was half-demon... And I thought that, that explained why I had this feeling of power inside me. I kept getting this feeling... I don't know exactly how to describe it and the picture in my head feels like a rode that leads through darkness to a certain destination. I too have tried and failed to end it... I never got through school because the pain was too much like all this energy was thrown at me, I was on overload. I tried so hard to keep going but now my life is at a standstill. Most days I feel like I'm going out of my mind, like all the energy in my body is about to explode out of me. I also feel like I'm here for a reason that there is something Important that I'm supposed to do. I've told my mom about this, but it was so hard to get through to her what I was trying to say.

Anyway, I thought I was the only one feeling these things, often hoping that no one else did because, I didn't want anyone to have to go through the same.
I honestly felt I was going crazy until I read this. I wish I could help but I too came here to seek help for the very same thing. If you learn anything can you let me know. I've been feeling more and more overwhelmed like when I was in school, but the difference is now... I'm feeling it when I am alone now.
Sorry for rambling, I can't help it.
hack (1 posts)
11 years ago (2011-05-31)
ok so I am 15 years old and I was trying to find out what the hell is wrong wit me so I asked google an your blog or watever this is poped up and I got that feeling agian like there is somthing inside me it was differnt tho this time it felt more exiting I guess is how I could put it but I have had many experances with thus feeling it keeps me up at niight when people make me mad. I cannot get sad because of it all sadness with me just turns to anger so I realy want to know wats going on.

I have had an experiance where I was geting bullied at school an I got in my moms car my eyes where watering an I was pissed I started to shake an kick an I punched the roof of the car an yelled at the top of my lungs I got home I ran to my room intantly satarted to hit everything... So I want to know what this is be 4 I get in a fight an seroiusly hurt somone... I am short an fat but I'm tough as stone (please exuse my text lingo) well I also have the same incounters with people as you do gypsywind poeple feel like they can trust me with anything and I see trew every one instantly an when I saw you post I knew I found somone who could sorta explain this menissing pain...
sarah12375 (6 stories) (106 posts)
11 years ago (2011-03-12)
After reading your story I couldn't help but noticing how I've been and some ways still am in the same situation you are in now... I can't really give you any advice other than to try to look inside yourself and find what makes you happy and hold on to it when things start to go bad. Always keep some faith, everything seems to happen for a reason:)
P.s We're all here for a reason, so never try to end it! Soon enough you'll figure it out, hopefully we both do:)
JupiterEmpath (3 stories) (22 posts)
11 years ago (2011-03-05)
I agree with GypsyWind 100%, but don't feel the same sense of getting drained easily. I've had my own spiritual battles to fight in the past and seem to be good at shielding and grounding myself. I also feel the same sense of not belonging even with my friends and family. As far as everything that can go wrong going wrong, that could also be your higher power (whether you choose to call it God or not) trying to push you in a certain direction or to a realization. With that though, you'd be the best judge of that. You might want to look into what starseeds are because you both sound like you could be one (I've seen two different psychics in the past which have told me they believe me to be one as well). That could be a possible explanation for the not fitting in and the desire to lash out at a world that may at times see very foreign to you even though you grew up in it (assuming that you didn't move to Cali from some place considered to be distant and exotic).
taller1 (1 stories) (1 posts)
11 years ago (2011-03-03)
Thanks Gypsywind. There is a lot of what you are saying that ties right into what I feel. I know exactly what you mean where you get this feeling of power beyond the physical, especially when you have someone pushing your buttons and making you angry. I get that feeling too, except I feel like there is a chained monster inside of me. Just pushing to get out and lash out at those who are trying to cause me distress. I have to force myself to quiet this feeling and push the beast back inside - and it is very hard sometimes. I have never let myself get out of control, even though sometimes it could be so easy to...

I just don't know what to do with myself some days tho. I sometimes feel there is someone around who is pushing my buttons from beyond the shadows. Sometimes it feels I can never get traction in life. Maybe that's just life throwing it's curve balls my way, but often times things can be going great and I would be making great progress on what I am doing then all of a sudden everything gets turned upside down. If it could go wrong, it does. I was told I had a shadow - a spirit who was a 'trickster' always playing pranks and messing with me. I have been trying to work on expanding my energy and keeping myself "charged up" in the attempt of keeping my shadow at bay. So far, it's been working - but this is going on month 3 of consciously trying to keep my energy up. But sometimes it is hard because people easily do pull me right back down.

And yes, I do feel there is a reason I am around. I will definitely check out those books.

Thanks for your response:)
Gypsywind (1 stories) (2 posts)
11 years ago (2011-03-03)
Hi there [at] taller1, wish I could say this response was going to contain some pearls of wisdom to share, but I'm afraid I can only say I have had similar experiences. I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in, never really feeling accepted because my peers found me weird. I get what you said about empathic ability as it's something I have always known as well, and it can be a real burden. Feeling other people's emotions and seeing them for who they really are behind the facade they display to the world can be exhausting as well as disillusioning. The best advice I have received regarding protecting yourself from other people's negative energy, or even protecting your energy from them; involves meditating/visualizing and creating a bubble like shield of your energy around yourself. It sounds rather unusual I admit, and when it was explained to me I'm pretty sure the look on my face was skeptical, but if you consider that science has shown humans have vibrational frequencies and that research has been done concerning the effects of these vibrations on our's not a huge leap to contemplate their effects on our emotions, depending on who we interact with.

As for the energy that you feel is struggling to get out... Does it feel as if it expands when you are extremely happy or angry? I've found that on the rare occasion when someone really pushes my buttons and I explode I feel like something inside me is breaking beyond the boundaries of my physical form, and makes me feel very powerful, to the point where it's like a craving to have that power. Then again like you described that pressured feeling can also occur when just sitting somewhere quiet. I used to see it in my mind as a medieval wooden door, behind which lies a part of who I am that I can sense, but not reach. I described this during a channeling session once and was told that the door is symbolic of the block that is in place between me and my higher spiritual awareness, or higher self.

I don't know if you believe in reincarnation, but they say that before we are reborn we set out a sort of life path, which enables us to learn the life lessons we need to in order to mature as souls. As I understand it we mature in stages, and the feelings of having this blocked energy within ourselves, will in time be resolved/freed when you reach that appropriate place in your life. This always makes me think of the old saying, 'Know Thyself'.

Regarding your dark alley, perhaps the start is symbolic of where you are now, the end of where you hope to be, and the darkness in-between how you feel about what it will take to get there. For years I had a reoccurring dream about running along a pitch-black tunnel towards a beautiful light. I was always exhausted in the dream, but would carry on running because I felt like there was something horrible behind me, and I was terrified of being caught. I may not ever fully understand it, but like I mentioned before perhaps these are ones fears about past, present and future.

Last but not least... You said that when you were with your ex you were so busy helping with her troubles you weren't focused on your own. To that I just wanted to say, don't forget about yourself, because sometimes you end up trying so hard to help someone that it leaves you a little broken. I've always tried to believe in humanity being inherently good, but when we are troubled it's easy to be selfish. Sometimes it comes down to whether or not that person wants to heal in the first place, and that happens from within them.

For now, hang in there... You are here for a reason, which is probably why your one attempt didn't work, inside yourself you sense a truth, even if you can't see it yet.

If you are interested there are two books, which have really had an impact on my thoughts.

The Camino A Journey of the Spirit
By Shirley MacLaine



The Secret of Shambhala:
In Search of the Eleventh Insight
By James Redfield

Take care,


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